In 10 years we'll have a prequel trilogy

Did you know it's coming up to the 10th anniversary of the first Matrix movie? (Well in the UK at least). So with that in mind I started having a think about the trilogy as a whole and how it could of been improved (because now is the time to face facts that it wasn't the best trilogy of films ever - even though I'm pretty sure Keanu Reeves personally promised me that it would be in some deleted scene).

So without further a do, my own personal revisions to the Matrix trilogy.

Not made Morpheus such a damn pussy
I can't exactly remember how old I was when I first saw the original Matrix movie but I can remember one of the major thoughts I had. "If Morpheus wasn't chained down and being pumped full of drugs. I bet he'd be rocking the shit right now. The 2nd one of these movies is going to be awesome". Now granted I've paraphrased a bit there. I wouldn't have said rocking the shit as I had't heard that phrase then. But still the sentiment was there.
So cut to the Matrix: Reloaded and Morpheus hardcore-ness was missing. Granted he did have quite a cool fight on top of a lorry. But organising a rave in a cave? That's just not how I imagined things would be. I thought he'd be more like Leonidas in 300 (which is quite impressive as that film was many years from production when I orignally had these thoughts), but with bigger metaphorical balls and more windmilling suckers in the face.

Stopped the Architect from talking like such a prick.
The scene where Neo met the Architect for the first time in the Matrix: Reloaded was one of the most important scenes in the entire trilogy. It wasn't the best scene in the world (far from it) but it was one of the first scenes with any real explanation of what had been going on in the Matrix and what Neo's next possible move would be. So taking into account that the scene is critical and had to explain plot points and contain a metaphorical level of remainders, anomolies, human consciouness and computer science. So why the fuck would the architect pepper his speech with such complex wordplay? Because the Wachowskis hate you - that's why.

Actually put a plot twist at the end
In the months that led up to the release of Matrix: Revolutions I can remember several magazines and websites running possible plot twist endings to the Matrix trilogy. "Everyone" or losers like myself were betting there would be some big plot twist(s). But instead there wasn't one, which actually struck me as pretty lazy. I remember one possible twist which suggested that all the renegades who thought they were human (Neo, Morpheus, Trinity et al) were infact computer viruses and all the agents trying to stop them would be human beings who dealt in anti virus software. I don't quite know how Zion would've played into this, but it would've been better than the actual ending involving an old lady on a bench and an evil old bastard who had complex verbal diarreah.

Made Neo and Smith less powered so their fights actually meant something
It took comic books a surprising amount of time to learn the lesson "don't overpower your Heroes or Villians". If you had broken that rule, you would get fight sequences where protagonists and antagonists can smash each other in the face but it wouldn't matter due to them being infinitely powered. The Matrix: Revolutions completely stacked it, and fell face first into this trap; it wouldn't matter how much flying around Neo and Smith did, or how many kicks or punches landed, it ultimately doesn't matter as neither Neo or Smith could be killed in that fashion. Luckily Matrix: The Path of Neo (the videogame) learned this lesson so instead of an overpowered Smith, Neo fights a collection of consumer objects (ie washing machines) which join together to form a giant Smith. And yes that was as retarded as that sounds.

Made a prequel movie about how Morpheus came to be
To be honest this probably wouldn't have made the trilogy any better but it would've been cool. If someone took all the footage of Laurence Fishburne acting in other films and then edit it down to make a prequel movie of Morpheus origin. The starting footage would be from Apocalypse Now (Larry Fishburne aged just 14) and would continue all the way through (Boyz in the Hood, Event Horizon) to the beginning of the Matrix. A voice over would provide a description of what was happening (just like audio description soundtracks on a DVD) and any scenes in the zion world (which wouldn't be covered by film footage) could be provided in the form of cartoon stickmen. I think it would be a winner

New Post Coming Soon

The Oscars 09

Over the previous month I've been running an event on Facebook that involved trying to see as many of the films that would be nominated for Oscars as possible. Unfortunatley Facebook is a tool and the event is closing in a few days -> this is because a facebook event cannot exceed a month and this event is going to last longer than that.
So rather than set up a new event I have decided to move all activities into this blog post, which I'll continue to edit. Hopefully by the end I'll have put the films into an order of preference and written a small review for each one.

The following information is copied directly from the Facebook page:

Ok so it works like this.
I've been looking through a variety of media and noticed that a huge amount of excellent films are coming out pre - Oscar season. The majority of these movies are in all likelyhood going to be Oscar nominated.

So my suggestion is that every week, (between 11th of Jan and 20th Feb) "we" go to see 1 or 2 of these films at a variety of different cinemas.
We do this for three reasons:
1. It'll will increase our overall highbrow-ness and overall smug-oscity.
2. It'll make Mark Kermode proud.
3. Most of these films will be amazing.

So the films (complete with release dates)
Che part 1, 2nd Jan
Che part 2, 20th Feb
The Wrestler, 16th Jan
Doubt, 6th Feb
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 6th Feb
The Reader, 2nd Jan
Revolutionary Road, 30th Jan
Slumdog Millionaire, 9th Jan
Australia, 26th Dec
Milk, 23rd Jan
Gran Torino, 20th Feb
Valkyrie, 23rd Jan

General information:
1. If you don't know what each film is about look it up on IMDB.com.
2. The earlier released movies we might not get a chance to see - just because they may have left the cinema by the time we start.
3. I don't expect everyone to go see all these movies. Although I'm going to try to.
4. If I've invited you to join this group and your at University and can't make it to Surrey, this is light handed suggestion that you get on the Oscar 09 bandwagon.
5. Valkyrie is only in this list because it's one of those crazy "cursed" films as pretty much everything that could have gone wrong on the production of that film has.

This event actually starts on the 11th of January and ends on the 20th but because Facebook is an idiot it can't cope with an event that goes over 31 days.

I just thought I'd give a progress report on what I've seen.

Australia
The Reader
Valkyrie
The Wrestler
Frost/Nixon
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire
The Curious case of Benjamin Button
Revolutionary Road
Doubt
Gran Torino

Che part 1 escaped before I could see it but I'm hoping some cinemas will screen it with Che Part 2.
Also I'm in two minds whether to see Rachel getting married because I personally believe that Anne Hathaway is one of the shittest actresses of our time and even though she is being nominated for an Oscar I just can't see how she can possibly be any good. But on the other hand it is an Oscar nominated performance which is the objective of this little venture.
If anyone has seen Rachel getting married I could do with an opinion, just write it on the wall.
Che Part 2 is not being screened anywhere - I don't think any cinema near where I live could be bothered with it. Both Part 1 and 2 are out together on DVD in June.

It is always darkest before the Twighlight

If this were another blog (and luckily for you it is not), the first post after the New Year would be a run down of all the excellent stuff that happened in that previous year.
Unfortunately I've pretty much forgotten what exciting advances in entertainment happened in 2008 and what exciting advances happened in 2007.

Although I think I may remember the key ones:

• The band formerly known as Guns and Roses finally released Chinese Democracy. I have to say I haven't listened to it (I'm waiting until Duke Nukem Forever comes out so I can enjoy the two simultaneously) but that album has been in production so long that it really would have to be one of the greatest albums ever for it to be anywhere near worthwhile.
• The Dark Knight was good.
• Iron man was good.
• Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skulls was absolutely dia-fucking-bolical. It was so bad that it made the idea I put down on this very blog look good, and that idea featured Indiana Jones fighting the real Sean Connery which in turn makes more sense that anything that happened in the actual movie.
• Twighlight didn't make me want to stick pins into my eyes which was a plus. That doesn't mean it was good though. Look I know it wasn't aimed at my demographic but a movie and book that were written/directed by women should not have the overarching message of teenage girls should submit to older men, that my friends is morally dubious. Also the vampires skin went sparkly when they were in direct sunlight, you know instead of bursting into flame - so that age old visual metaphor was ruined for a generation of teenagers. It's at times like this I miss Buffy/Angel at least they had vampires that ate people, set on fire in sunlight and had bumpy foreheads. My other problem with Twighlight (excluding the complete lack of sexual tension between the leads) is that it never pushed the idea that being 17 forever would be absolutely shite, I mean you wouldn't be able to drink in a bar (which is the best place to find people to eat), you're right on the cusp of 16 and 18 so you'd be constantly asked for ID to get a lottery ticket. Finally you'd never be hit on by an older woman because Cougars tend only to pray on men 18 and above. So yeah it would suck. I don't want to end this dissection of Twighlight too negatively so I'll tell you this - in the movie there is an old American Indian guy in a wheelchair who really looks like he can really "rock the shit" out of anyone in that movie. If he teams up with Bella's Dad who is a sheriff with a shotgun I think there is potential for an awesome spin off of Twighlight. Something along the lines of both of them travelling round America shooting vampires in the face. Now that would be film of the year.

Replacement swearing

I got this courtesy of xkcd.com I now post it here for your amusement.

One day I'll get round to posting something that's actually mine, but that day is not today.

Oh and from now on I'm counting both alfresco and bespoke as swear words. They just have that harsh sound to them, the same kind of harshness that all the extreme hardcore swear words contain.
So if you're looking for a new pair of swear words to replace F**k and C**t (yes I don't usally star them but somehow it makes it look more offesnive) may I suggest bespoke and alfresco to take their place.

Thinkb4youspeak (Hilary Duff)

Gah!
This hasn’t been updated in so long I’m not even sure people other than me will ever bother reading it. I have given myself an impossible situation to try to break free from – after a gap of so long what do I post as my comeback?
After all this needs to be my amazing comeback album of a post (not like Limp Bizkit’s Unquestionable Truth (Part 1) (also on the topic of Limp Bizkit they’ve got a new album planned for 2009, does anyone even care… really?)).

Anywho so what do I write about? Shall I circle jerk myself by going on about how my name features in the credits of a soon to be released videogame? No I shall not do that, because that would be vulgar (COUGH! - http://www.burnzombieburn.com/)

Instead I’ll let Hilary Duff do the talking:


Yes that’s right ladies and gentlemen Hilary Duff has opened my eyes. I’ll never be using the term gay in a derogatory form again….
I know the thinkb4youspeak campaign isn’t really aimed at me but shouldn’t time and money be put into something a bit more worth while? Like I dunno Transformers for under privileged kids? Also (as shown in these videos) gay is not being used in a abusive manner to the homosexual community it is being used to describe something as shit, so does that mean the word is taking on a new meaning (after all English is an ever developing language) so in turn does that mean by supporting this campaign Hilary Duff is standing in the way of progress? (The stupid luddite bitch). Anyway if homosexual people are really offended by the term “gay” (obviously being used in its slang meaning for shit) I am officially giving my permission for them to use Hetero as a retort. (Have to say though I’m not sure my permission has that much worth in the current global financial climate).

Well whatever I think Hilary Duff should write a song/album discussing the use of gay in a slang context and whether stopping its use would halt the developing language progress.

Also as a final thing I would like to state that I will be moving away from using the term “gay” to describe something bad and instead will be fully integrating “your mum” or that’s so – “shitstainedpissflapsfurryaxewoundcumdumpsterfundipHoudinicheesecakecajunstylespitro-astfootnoteofsocietymonkeymagichilaryduffisastuckupwhorebutIwould”

Oh and also someone left an anyonmous message on my last post recommending this:


If that were you thanks – I love midgets

By the way there's an Xbox 360 and Wii in my house

So the summer is almost over. And thus things might happen that'll actually get me writing again. However until this occurs console yourself with some shiny internet things I found (or was shown).

I found this amazing MSN article explaining to women what a guys choice in videogames console says about him. (I really wanted to find a copy of the article but it seems to have gone - and I can't seem to work out how to search just their articles on MSN.com (also that kinda rhymes so it must be true)).
Well basically the article broke it down that men who own PS3s are rich and need the latest gadgets. Guys who own a Wii are overly sensitive and full of fun and men who own an Xbox 360 are blood spilling potential psychos who are quite social with other muderous mentalists.
As far as I can see the whole article was devised using press releases and lifestyle photography. It was really funny and I'm sorry I cannot show you the article in all its glory.

Another great internet find is this video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl9VgSaCanI

Someone has made some really hardcore Super Mario Bros levels (using some kind of level editor). Anyway what's funnier than watching someone trying to play these levels through is listening to the song in the background basically explaining that Mario is attempting his entire quest to try and get laid.
This puts a completely new spin on the old "Who is cooler Mario or Sonic?" argument. I mean Sonic is just questing to beat up a guy with a ginger beard/moustache who tortures animals for poops and giggles. But Mario is a fat plumber trying to get his end away and he beats up the wild life just for looking at him funny.
Now tell me who is cooler...