Didn't know what to write

Well another day another update
Oh what to talk about.....
Maybe I should write a real emo blog with how this morning I ate a piece of toast.
Then later I cried because my life is so awful. And how Hawthorne Heights (emo kings) are the only people who truly understand my pain.

Actually no we're going to talk about scenesters.
I still don't know what the dictionary definition of a scenester is.
I just know that I can spot those trendy little shites a mile off.
They always seem to turn up on the bandwagon after its been hurtling along for months or even years. The bandwagon could be for anything music, clothes, geek chic whatever but there they are some of them running behind, others sitting with their legs dangling off the back.

Anyway Guildford seems to be full of the buggers - you should all go visit.

One day I'll have an algorithm for scenesters and then I'll be able to spot them using a mathematical equation with maybe some kind of scenester genocide program involved.

A delayed observation

I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but I needed to load up photos for this update and they were upstairs and I was downstairs basically the point was photos were needed and I was feeling lazy.

Anyway a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of witnessing Alan Fletcher's band.
(For those who don't know Alan Fletcher plays Dr Karl Kennedy in Neighbours).



See there he is with his face and hands.

I'm not going to review the gig but pass on some observations.

Alan Fletcher has a really strong Australian accent - he sounds like Crocodile Dundee.
His band are called Waiting Room which clearly cashes in on him being a doctor in Neighbours.
Waiting Room consists of Alan Flecther and two guitarists (there is no bass or drums - those are recorded).
The core of their repertoire are covers or stereotypical Australian songs that sounds like Waltzing Matilda.
They have a song about Susan (Karl's ex wife in Neighbours).
One of the guitarists plays some of his own stuff and is really good, the other is some indie kid throw back.
They will be touring at a university near you.
Watching Alan Fletcher sing is like watching a middle aged man performing karaoke and having a nervous breakdown simultaneously.

The man with a thousand names (well, five)

Who is the best cameo actor ever?

No it's not Joe's mum in all those porn movies. (You know the ones I'm talking about catholic sluts go wild episodes 1 through to 7).

The answer is Eric Balfour here is a picture:



He truly is the cameo king appearing in all of your favourite American imports. I'll give a list of the stuff I've seen him in.

Buffy the vampire slayer season 1 episode 1 "Welcome to the hellmouth" as Jessie
Clueless (Tv series) as Pizza boy
Dawsons Creek as Warren Goering
The West Wing as Frat boy 3
American Sweethearts (film) as Security Guard
24 as Milo Pressman
Six Feet Under as Gabriel Dimas
The O.C as Eddie

He was also in the dreadful remake of the Texas Chainsaw masscre (there are just some films you don't try to remake).

Anyway in my household (until 5 mins ago) he was simply known as Milo Gabriel Jessie Eddie Monk. The first four names came from various TV shows (check the list above). (The Monk came from the fact his face was vaguely shaped like this guy I knew from school called Chris Monk).

He never carries a TV show, he is only ever in it for a couple of episodes and often his character is killed.
I implore all of you to watch for him.
Milo Gabriel Jessie Eddie Monk you truly are American TV's Wheres Wally.

A cartoon you may not remember

There was an old 80s cartoon on Channel 4 on Saturday mornings when I was a kid.
It was called Jayce and the wheeled warriors and as far as I remember it was absolutely da bomb.

Unfortunately my memories are often corrupted by years of hard videogame abuse so I went to do some research.

But I couldn't find any episodess to download (without using a torrent which are all set up on my pc which doesn't currently have internet access).
So instead I watched the shows opening theme and decided to give a judgement based entirely on this.

Here is the intro



I'll allow you to draw the key plot points of the show from it.
But I'll fill in the more subtle things you may have missed.
Like all great 80s cartoons the theme tune is an incredible with the singer really pushing his voice to extremes also they use synths which are the best instrument (they must be as they can create the sound of any other instrument).
There is a wizard with a beard in the show.
Plants are bad guys and machines are good guys. This is a good moral as nature causes problems and man fixes them (with machines). The proof of this is EVERY natural disaster that has ever happened.

So overall I'd say - Jayce is one of the best pieces of Tv ever produced by mankind.

Eurovision 2006

It's no secret that I have a passing interest in the Eurovision song contest.
Actually that is an understatement I think the Eurovision song contest is bloody brilliant.
The voting is beautifully predictable and the acts are hilharious.
Also you can play the game of which countries take it seriously and which don't.

Anyway this years contest was exceedingly enjoyable and I muchly enjoyed its goodness. A lot has been written about the winners Lordi (the hardcore knew about them at least a year ago).

But I would like to share with you my personal favourite song of the evening



It's Lithuania's entry and it's super superb because:
A) They all have stereotypical European accents
B) One verse is sung with a megaphone in a Muse stylee
C) There is an electric violin solo
D) A bald man with glasses does a "crazy" dance

Good times, good times.

Pizza challenge

This might be a very dull update as it is based in my life:
Me and a few chums ate enough pizza in 3 weeks to make a box tower which reaches from floor to ceiling, it was made from 48 boxes and you can see it here:



The pizza though not as good as Herbies where I live (closed down due to me and my mates being the only customers - it may have been a drugs front) was overall very good and came from Haworth and Ginos.

Then we threw all the boxes in the phone box under the stairs:



I dunno why we just did it.
Think we achieved something in these 3 weeks.

A gift for the people

I've been asked to put the funniest video ever.
It's this:



You see it's funny because:
A) Howard Moon (guy in green) has been ordered to come to Bob Fossil's (guy in blue) office. He has no inclination why, then Bob Fossil does a brilliant dance to I don't like Cricket and explains to Howard and that's why I don't like Cricket as if it explains everything. (See this is why jokes don't work if you explain them and why aspergers kids don't laugh.)
B) The dance is amazing and looks good on all dance floors.

Big Brother season 7 1st episode review

Just watched the opening episode of BB 7.

So which housemate do you think will win?
Who do you like?
Which housemate will the tabloids support?


SHUT THE HELL UP DAMMIT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

Every summer Channel 4 bloody put on Big Brother and ruin my viewing pleasure.
The summer is the one time of the year we all have time to watch TV and when I'm sitting up til 4am I want to watch a film I've never heard of or one of Channel 4's ever increasing ridiculous documentaries.
I don't want to see 13 horrible people argue and fornicate with each other in some vain misguided hope of kick starting their television careers because that's all they have the ambition/talent for.
Makes me furious.

I'm going to hell and some of you are coming with me

Please note: This only applies to a few people.
A while back I showed a few people a video I found out about on Google Video.
It was called GameLife and was a magazine show about videogames.
It featured this guy and his gimp.


His name is Andrew Rosenblum and the kid next to him is his gimp.

Like all videogame magazines (excluding Gamesmaster) it was piss poor and we all had a good laugh about how painful the whole thing was.

Well it turns out the kids who produce this show are actually mentally retarded. So technically we were laughing at handicapped kids. Bugger - that's a trip to hell right there.

Still it's nice to see retarded kids can produce the same level of videogames magazine as say Sky or ITV.

Another gift from YouTube

I wish I was making this up.
A lot of the time I'm asked "Do you remember that show with MC Hammer? - It was called Hammerman."
Yes I remember it and as if to prove it here is the intro (it contains a themesong about magical shoes).



Watch, enjoy, comment

Michelle Branch how little we knew ye

I just wanted to be happy today.
See all the episodes of Thundercats and everything would be good.
But no....
Somthing went wrong, something happened that was so terrible it must be documented.
Today was the day I saw the true dark side of modern pop.



This is Michelle Branch.
She is disgustingly attractive (and I won't be having you saying otherwise).

Back in the day the songs she used to write were beautifully angsty acoustic pieces the likes of which became the regular soundtrack to the melancholic set scenes of Dawsons Creek.

Then she got happy!
Marrying her damn husband and having a child made her happy!
When you have a kid you don't have the time or inclination to be angsty you're too exhausted. And kids and a family make you happy or something...

Then finally today she hurt me a little bit more. I introduce you to the Wreckers.



It's Michelle Branch and some other Ho-bag singing their little Country songs about trailer trash with mullets and moustaches having them in caravans.
You see I thought I understood you Michelle but I clearly never did.
You're a little bit country (read lower class) and I'm a bit rock and roll (read middle class) it would just never work.

Plus you never tour England.

You're just dead to me now Michelle Branch.

By Jaga I'm finished!

I just finished watching all 130 episodes of Thundercats and I feel as Lion-o must have done when he beat the other Thundercats trials and became the true Lord of the Thundercats (Season 1 Ep 61: Lion-o's anointment Final Day).
I don't know how many people in the world have seen every episode of Thundercats but I'm pretty damn proud of this achievement simply because A) Thats a lot of episodes and B) Thundercats is pretty tedious and a bit wank.
Finally I'd like to point out if each ep is 25mins long I have wasted 3250 minutes or 54 hours(ish) - I a thankyou.

Nerd Metal: Best sub genre ever!

Allow me (if you will) the time to talk to you about the funniest genre of music.

Nerd Metal...
But what is Nerd Metal? And which bands perform in this funniest of sub-genres?
Well sit here and I'll explain all.

The definition of Nerd Metal is: A technically proficient band performing songs about mythological elements or science fiction based tales. There may also be a concept album involved. Nerd Metal bands are former Warhammer players who picked up Ibanez guitars (this may not be true).
The fan base of nerd metal are nerds (duh). Long hair is a usual prerequisite as is wearing black T-shirts with a dragon/skeleton on it.

Well anyway the main issue with Nerd Metal are the bands themselves. I would count these few bands in Nerd Metal:

Iron Maiden - Songs based in mythology.
Dream Theatre - A psychology based concept album based about the singer having strange dreams.
DragonForce - Super speedy metal band from London.
Rhapsody - Medieval metal about elves and dwarves.
Coheed and Cambria - May not be Nerd Metal as they are slightly toned down speed playing (may be Nerd Rock). However they do have a concept career.

Disclaimer: Many people get angry when you mock the bands they like so as to avoid disaffecting people. I will say this:

Just watch these two videos I think they're hilharious.

Holy Thunderforce by Rhapsody


Through the Fire and Flames by Dragonforce


You can tell me they're technically amazing but if you take yourself too seriously you will get burned (by a thunderforce through flames).

To me to you

I've seen Noel Edmonds around a lot lately.
(Not in real life obviously, I mean on Tv).
His new show Deal or No Deal has been taking the post Countdown student world by storm.....

But this isn't about Noel Edmonds it's about Paul Chuckle.



He's the guy on the left.

This man, this legend, this Chucklebrother has no birth date.
I searched the internet and it was nowhere, not on Wikipedia and not on IMDB.
(It may actually be somewhere but if its not those sites then as far as I'm concerned it's not on the internet).

So if he doesn't have a discoverable birthdate what are the chucklebrothers hiding?
Is it a global conspiracy? Is he a robot/cyborg man? Is he the first clone (of Barry Chuckle) gone wrong? Or will Paul Chuckle live forever?

I don't know and I suggest you don't know either.

But I do know this 18 seasons of Chucklevison and counting is way too many.
Too many goddammit!

Just one question where are my pants?

I'm using this update as a warning to people and a reminder to my future self.

I watched Howard The Duck the other day.

(Now many of you will probably not know what this is so I'll give a brief description:
A film adaptation made in 1986 of a Marvel Comic.
The plot revolves around a sarcastic duck from another world being pulled into Cleveland in our world via a laser beam.
It stars Lea Thompson (Back to the Future) and the Principal from Ferris Bueller.
George Lucas produced it.)

It is actually one of the worst films ever. I really, truly mean this one of the worst films ever.
It's worse than Red Dawn and on par with such shit as Batman and Robin and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves (maybe just having a robin makes it god-awful).
I've seen it repeatedly and I always forget how much it makes me hate living.
So the next time I attempt to watch it (I'm sure I will make another attempt to watch it).
Please stop me. Whoever you are reading this stop me....
Howard the Duck destroys lives.



A DVD release is expected in August 2006.

Another Video due to popular demand

I lot of people (at least 3) have reported that they enjoyed the Undefeatable fight from Youtube.
This has encouraged me to put a few more videos up on this boundary pushing blog.
(I'm not sure what boundaries I'm pushing, possibly the ones of self indulgance.)
Anyway have a look at this:


Really somes up this whole "MySpace generation" crap.

Oh and some mindless self promotion - tell more people to read this blog, the more readers I have the more self important I feel - cheers.