We've come a long way

So here we are.
You probably don't realise this but today marks not only the 100th "article" or post or whatever you want to call it but it's also the 1 year anniversary of when I started my blog.

You may however have noticed I've been posting a lot within the last 4 days and with this quantity there was a sharp decline in quality.
What infact happened was I noticed that the birthday of this blog was coming up and if I really pushed the quality I could make the 100th post on the birthday, so I did. Hence the lack of recent goodness.

Anyway I'm going to keep noting down ridiculous things because they are funny (even if I am not) and hopefully people will keep responding with such positive comments as "That was really funny when" or "I don't like it when you put videos on coz I can't watch them" or "None of that blog is funny - you're an idiot."

Well whatever the outcome I'll keep writing.



Also still no Um Bongo.

Hull: hyperborean for kingdom of the northern monkeys

Well people ask me about Hull all the time and what it's like to live in what is regarded as one of the worst places in the entire country so to satisfy people's curiosity I've put together a list of facts about Hull.

1) It's true there is no coloured sky just an absence of light.
2) Sometimes at night you can smell this weird smell of burning chocolate this is caused by the caramelising factory on an industrial estate.
3) It is illegal to fly a small plane under the Humber bridge.
4) One night the bridge did transform into a giant robot - 5 people died.
5) Scientific investigation proved water in the river Humber is twice as dirty as dirt.
6) The nightclub Spiders is run as a charity that is why it's so cheap.
7) The art museum in Hull contains a mural of the day Hull fought for independence from the rest of Yorkshire.
8) Next doors dog contains the spirit of Hull's love for the rest of humanity, that is why it's dying.
9) Once in the butchers we saw a headless carcass lying on the floor - it may have been a dead alsatian.
10) The people of Hull believe caramelised alsatian to be a delicacy.

Way down deep in the middle of the congo....the clawless otters were employed to package Um Ognob

Ok this is less an article more of a request.
Has anyone seen Um Bongo recently?
(The fruit juice drink usually in a carton).
I've been looking to get hold of some to be the basis of a fruit cocktail. I think it'd be awesome-o.

Anyway to stop me looking like some kind of information moocher I've sweetened the pill by giving you some Um Bongo facts courtesy of wikipedia.

"For a short period of time in the 1990s, Um Bongo was renamed Um Ognob as a marketing ploy.

Song Lyrics

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, a hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango. He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty tango.
The rhino said, "I know, we'll call it Um Bongo", Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo.
The python picked the passion fruit, the marmoset the mandarin. The parrot painted packets that the whole caboodle landed in.
So when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle, They all prefer the sunny funny one they call Um Bongo!

The song was sung by Tony Jackson, a member of the band 'Rage', best known for their 1992 number 4 chart hit, "Run to You". "

I've also loaded up a youtube video of the song sung by some bloke on xfm.

My new favourite show (part 2)

So kids part of my fascinating series on Tv now continues. I bet you can't wait.

Well my second new favourtie show is a little program called Heroes which is one of the most popular Tv extravaganzas in America at the moment.

I could go on about all the subtle little things that make it well worth watching but the main point is it's Lost meets the Xmen.

The hook of the show is ordinary people around the world are realising they have superpowers. What is causing this? Who has these crazy superpowers? Does the government know this is happening?

The story telling is pretty much the Lost style with a nice load of questions posed at the beginning and then more questions are added in later. However unlikeLost it seems to be pretty good at answering questions it sets up and more importantly doesn't waste all our time with crappy character flashbacks when we all know that what is currently happening in the characters lives is a lot more interesting.

I could go on about Heroes' characters and who has what power but that would kind of ruin the show (Peter Petrelli and Hiro have the best powers and are the coolest people in it by far).

I think it starts on BBC2 in June so try to watch it - and that's the end of that.

One of the best toys ever...

Before I begin on this one I'd just like to explain that I have a younger sister (9 years old) and that's how I know about current children's toys. I don't buy toys anymore I'm too old or something.
(Unless it was a reissue Optimus Prime in which case that would be acceptable).

So these toys are called Pixel Chicks and make the best use of the LCD screen I've
seen in quite a while (since the Gameboy probably).

The 1st one I saw looked like this:



It's a house, and when it's switched on the screen displays a person who lives in it
and you can interact with said person and feed them and plays games it's like the Sims in a toy.

Another one look like this:



It's a car and a little person appears driving the car on the screen. I can't remember what else it does but I do know that if you link the house and the car together the person walks out the door on the screen of the house and gets into the car.

Then there's this one:






It's a shop and the screen can be moved from the bottom to the top and the little person serves in the two separate shops. You serve customers and clean up and earn money to spend on clothes. It's great as it teaches my sister the responsibility of being 16 and having a job when she is infact 10.

Finally this one is exceedingly odd, when it's round this way:



a dog lives in the house and you feed, pet and groom it.

But when it's round this way:



The dog starts acting like it's on stage and playing a gig. The buttons then allow you to play some kind of musical mini game.

So to conclude: LCD screens are now being put to their best use by allowing kids to play the Sims in some kind of plastic house/shop/car/kennel thing.

Any respect I now have for Avril Lavigne is BECAUSE of Girlfriend

Here is more proof if needed that the current Avril Lavigne single (Girlfriend)is absolutely brilliant. Music is supposed to be a subjective and this has been proved by the fact that I have a friend who has a completely different musical taste to me. It is almost the case that anything I love he will hate and vice versa (obviously there are small exceptions to this).
However with the single Girlfriend both of us are really really into it. So I left him this message on his facebook wall:

"Ok check this facebook group:
Any Respect I Ever Had for Avril Lavigne is Now Lost Because of Girlfriend"
Ok so by enjoying that song does this mean we're weird and child like when we enjoy the cheap guitar licks and uninspiring drum rhythms coupled with the lyrics of a simplistic pre teen. Or does this mean we're adult and cool because we have seen and ignored her faux musings on love and relationships and instead embraced the bubble gum pop nuances of her 1st self penned single in these her early years of post matrimony?

You decide."

To which he replied

"I've spent a lot of time trying to work out why I love this song so much.

This is possibly because I'm in the library so much and going mad.

I do, however, think that it is genuine pop genius, and heir to a long line of heartbroken bravado in pop music. There's none of the bollocksy emoting of the previous stuff: if you looked at the lyrics on paper then they're basically desperately sad and insecure, but they're dressed up - like much good pop - in incredible bluster.

I think most immediately of Kelly Clarkson, but before that Talulah Gosh, even The Blue Nile, right back to motown stuff and the Shangri-Las. Also, the chord progressions shamelessly bite
'You Can Make Him Like You' by The Hold Steady, and that can only be a good thing.

All this proves that most people are idiots and can't identify good pop when it is pounding them in the face: also, some fucking wank rock group will probably do a ballady acoustic version for the FUCKING live lounge and completely...
...miss the point."

His reply was infact so long that it filled the entire Facebook character limit and he had to make two posts.

So there you go it "proves" Girlfriend is brilliant and more importantly has temporarily united mine and my friends musical tastes. Thus making me happy.

Case study - Danny Boyle vs Alex Garland: It's like that

Before I begin this I just want to say that I think Danny Boyle is actually a pretty damn good director. I would also like to state that for the record Alex Garland is also an exceedingly good writer and hugefan of Digitiser so well done to him for that.
Anyway this writing/directing duo have done several films together ofwhich I've only seen two. Interestingly both these films had not the same flaw but the same place in the movie where I got disinterested.

28 Days Later: Zombie film set in London. Cillian Murphy wakes up to find London
deserted (from human life at least) and with a few fast moving zombies kicking about. He finds some survivors and they head to Manchester. As of this point (1/3 through the movie) things get a bit silly with Cillian and the last few survivors held "hostage" in a slightly gay army base.

Sunshine: A team of astronauts have to detonate a nuclear bomb in the middle of our sun to stop it from dying. There are no aliens, the main threat comes from the sun itself (how do you fly a ship close to the sun without it bursting into flame?) The point is that the last 1/3 of the film it changes from a film of 2001esq wonder into some kind of horror movie with lots of running about in the dark. Cillian Murphy stars as one of the astronauts.

So the question is can Danny Boyle and Alex Garland not make the last 1/3 of a film consistent or does Cillian Murphy just ruin it intentionally?

Listen to this I'm facting you up

So let's have a simple conversation.
The national newspapers take a while to catch on to new technology and recently (and currently) "the buzz" has been over Myspace. The media seem to have a big thing about how Myspace is about building yourself as a brand and then selling yourself or your brand on Myspace.

Of course this is rubbish Myspace was designed to link people together with people writing details about themselves on their own Myspace page which others can see and their friends can link to.

The point is that Myspace is actually very very crap for networking and there is 1 hell of a better program out there to use for that sort of thing and it's called Facebook. So here are 8 reasons why Facebook is great and if you're into the whole networking with friends things you should really get on it:

8) You can leave messages on a persons virtual wall, for them to collect later.
7) Facebook started out as a tool for linking University friends together and
initially only universities could sign up so it has elitest beginnings.
6) You can make whole albums of photos from 1 occasion.
5) The amount of space to load photos is significantly larger than Myspace.
4) You can invite people to come to real life events.
3) All your friends are grouped sensibly by geographical areas.
2) You can make your own group up about anything then get people to join it.
So for instance if you like the fruity drink Um bongo you could start the Um bongo appreciation society and get friends to join it.
1) It never comes up with a server too busy message.

Please note this update is not supposed to be funny, it is factual. People occasionally need facts otherwise life would be some kind of living circus.

My new favourite show (part 1)

So I've been meaning to go on about this for ages but I haven't due to time constraints and apathy.
Anyway I've pretty much given up on watching English Tv as it's got really really terrible (with the exception of Peep show - which is so brilliant it may have to get its own blog entry at some point).
So instead of English Tv I've moved over to watching American shows pretty consistently. I still watch the obvious shows (Lost, South Park, Family Guy, Scrubs)But I also have two new favourite shows that may have slipped under the radar of a few people.

(Please note this blog entry is over two parts as I don't know when I'm going to be working on this next).

"A long time ago we used to be friends but I haven't thought of you lately at all."
That is the opening line to a Dandy Warhol's song (can't remember which one) and also the theme tune to Veronica Mars - my 1st new favourite show.

The overview of the 1st season is: Veronica Mars is best friends with Lilly Kane the most popular girl at Neptune High. One night Lilly is found murdered and it's up to Veronica's father (as town sheriff) to solve the crime. Unfortunately Keith Mars pins the crime on Lilly's father. Later someone else comes forward to admit to the crime (a man named Abel Koontz), the town revolts against Mr Mars previous decsion and he is sacked as sheriff.
Keith Mars decides to stay in Neptune and set up as a private detective. Veronica takes her father's side in the case and gets completely rejected by her so called friends.Then Veronica's mother can't cope with the stress of the situation and leaves
Veronica and Keith. Finally Veronica vows to properly solve her friend's murder.

And that is where the show starts with the main story arc being about Veronica trying to solve Lilly Kane's murder and smaller episodic stories with her helping her father and solving classmates injustices (if they're willing to pay anyway).

The point is what sounds as a disgustingly lame teen show turns out to be great with engaging characters, interesting stories and plot twists you can't guess.I do nothing but sing its praises even though it's pretty impossible to jump into half way through the season and it's a bit of a slow starter.

Basically if you get the chance to see it, do.

Also to add it's list of good deeds Steve Guttenberg (80s superstar from such movies as Police Academy and Short Circuit) guest stars in a load of episodes and Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon are in an episode each.

Subtext is for cowards

I'd like to warn you of Natasha Bedingfield's new video "I Wanna Have Your Babies" contained below this paragraph it contains a subtle and aggressive message to the youth of today.



What happens in this video (for those of you not able to watch it or whatever) is she dates an Asian guy, a blonde bloke who is clearly German, a black bloke then a plain looking English guy.
The 1st three (read foreigners or of foreign descent) she doesn't stay with or accept but the last guy, the English guy, she ends up staying with or marrying or really having kids with (it's all a bit confusing what's going on as it's a bit of a trippy video) anyway the point is the English bloke is the Baby bear to her Goldilocks.
I found this shocking. In these multi cultural times I was absolutely shaken to my very core that such blatant jingoism would be the basis of a modern pop video. I mean are other cultures not good enough or is this a social comment on mixed race children?

.....

Also the song is shit.

Briefly

I wish they'd re show Old School Byker Grove with PJ and Duncan.
I think it would be a useful exercise because:

1) It would show young people the danger of being blinded while playing paintball.
2) Hardhitting issues that affect the "kidz" would be on Tv again.
3) Gang crime would go down as gang members would see the shocking results of violent acts (this was covered repeatedly in Byker Grove).
4) I could make a joke about Geoff's beard and people would understand it.
5) The entire audience of Ant and Dec's saturday night takeaway could be shown (or reminded) where their hosts come from.
6) I could re learn how to speak Geordie as Byker Grove acted as some kind of self help book to learning foreign (Newcastle) languages.

Dear Diary...

In a bit you'll be able to read some of my recent thoughts.
What I've managed to do is link each point together rather tenuously.

1. I saw Michael J Fox and Julie Bowen (Carol Vessey in Ed) as a couple in Boston Legal - if they actually had children in real life they'd be beautiful.

So Julie Bowen (mentioned in point 1) starred in Ed. Once guest starring in Ed was the guy who did the noises in Police Academy. He obviously acted with Tackleberry (mentioned in point 2).

2. Big Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies were both in The Brady Bunch - I've watched a lot of stuff (read crap) and I figured those two had never acted again (after their appearences in those respective shows).

Marsha from the Brady bunch movie (mentioned in point 2) is married to Ben Stiller who is best friends with Owen Willson (mentioned in point 3).

3. If Armageddon was made today Owen Willson wouldn't die, infact he'd probably play Steve Buscemi's character.

Bruce Willis stars in Armageddon (mentioned in point 3) he also did a voice to the movie Over the Hedge. Avril Lavigne (mentioned in point 4) did a voice in the movie Over the Hedge.

4. Avril Lavigne currently looks like like Veronica Mars crossed with Jennifer Love Hewitt which makes her doubley hot.

Avril Lavigne (point 4) is married to one of the guys out the band Sum41. They provided a song to the movie the Santa Clause 2 which starred Tim Allen. Tim Allen does the voice of Buzz Light Year (point 5).

5. Why do all the Buzz Light years in Toy Story 2 (you know the ones, the packaged ones in the toy aisle). Why do they not know they are toys but all the other toys featured in Toy Story (packaged or not) know they are toys. Are Buzz Light Years brainwashed when they are manufactured?

Also in Toy Story 1 early on in that movie Andy doesn't play with Woody he only plays with Buzz (this is when Buzz and Woody don't get on). But later when Woody and Buzz are friends Andy starts playing with Woody and Buzz together and teams them up. So does that mean Woody and Buzz have psychological power over Andy?

And if that's the case what have my toys done to me?

Hey Hey You You I don't like your girlfriend and stuff

Sorry I haven't written on here in a while but seriously nothing has been going on, it's all been a little bit boring.
I have to say this Avril Lavigne video/song is a little bit brilliant.



Having watched that video you're probably wondering why it's good. Well it breaks down like this:

A) The opening line (Hey Hey You You I don't like your grilfriend) makes an excellent sentence to text people at random.
B) It reminds me of the Lolly version of Rocky Robin.
C) It's a bit silly.
D) Avril wrote it herself.
E) The video is completely morally bankrupt Miss Lavigne is absolutely horrible to some random nerdy girl with obvious self esteem issues. Infact she is playing a playground bully - welldone Avril this one is clearly for the kids.

One of my mates believes this song may be the start of a new pop music era. I hope so it'd be beautiful.