You should have said no to Leon Jackson

This is by a band called Reuben and the song is called "Christmas is Awesome"
It also should have been Christmas no.1
I have to say I am a fan of their previous work (which kind of increases my enjoyment of this song).



Well all that is left to say is: Merry Christmas to you all.

Sequels that should exist: Part 2

Again they are making a an Indiana Jones 4 but I'd be grossly surprised if the film is going to be anything like my idea.

Indiana Jones: The Bronzed Kingdom of Connery



Plot synopsis: Indiana Jones is running away from some Nazis. (If you've seen any of the films you'll know he does this a lot). On this particular occasion he boards a small plane which then crash lands on Barbados in an uninhabited region (Indy doesn't know it's Barbados). When Indy finally finds civilisation on the island he finds that none other than Sean Connery (being Sean Connery not Indy's father) has taken this town and the whole island and is forcing the inhabitants to build a giant statue of himself. Most of the movie is taken up with Connery and Ford trying to beat each other in a game of wits (face it Harrison Ford is getting on I'm not sure I want him to do the more physical stunts). Anyway this game of wits escalates into Connery and Ford fighting on the open palm of the giant golden statue. The twist of the tale is Connery beats Ford and knocks him off the hand of the statue. Indiana Jones dies, Connery wins. No more delayed sequels can be made and I remain happy, the end.

Most memorable scene: When Indy fights Sean Connery on the open palm of the giant Sean Connery statue.
Moral: Harrison Ford is not as great as Sean Connery and this proves it.
Possible spin off: The crazy time traveling adventures of Lucas and Spielberg. These two giants of film go through the archives of their work trying to find old franchises they can re spark, if you're lucky maybe a sequel to Howard the Duck will get made (The Horror, The Horror).

Just some youtube videos to fill the time

I've been meaning to chuck these on here for absolutely ages but what can I say? I'm chronically lazy:



Ok so this is a guy called Tay Zonday who is 25 or something. And he didn't hear any modern music until he was 13 because his parents locked him up in a box (maybe). The point is I find his voice amusing. And he became an internet phenomenon about 6 months ago but I only heard about it recently.



That is the remix he did to help advertise Dr Pepper. Again listen to that voice.



Here he is destroying Christmas with that voice - show this video to a child and make them cry.



Mark Kermode of culture show fame reviews (slates) Pirates of the Carribean 3, oh how I laughed. He didn't however enjoy Tranformers (but that's a private matter between him and God).

So that's the videos.
On a final note have you seen the video for the Westlife song Home? I hate the song (obviously) but something about the video just fundamentally infuriates me, maybe it's the way it is edited or perhaps it's the way they stare through the camera trying to pierce my very soul with their eyes of persecuting evil.
If someone does work out what it is about this specific Westlife video that kills me a little do leave a comment. Cheers.

Sequels that should exist: part 1

I could write a film.
I know that's a pretty bold statement but I am absolutely convinced I could.
Whether it would be any good or not is another thing. But I could definitely write one.

So with that in mind and based on the fact that both Indiana Jones and Rambo are getting long delayed (unnecessary?) sequels. I've decided to sit down and list three films I would like to write the sequels to.

(Also note there is a new Jurassic Park in pre production and if this turns out to be the plot I'll be majorly surprised).

Jurassic Park IV: Sentient o Saurs



Plot Synopsis: Another Jurassic park, but this was one is set on the 1st island and is from the Dinosaurs point of view.
Thanks to the dinsosaurs all being created via cloning mass production they are starting to evolve rapidly (no scientific explanation needed)and now are able to think and communicate in dinosaur-ese (this is subtitled). Mathematician Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum)comes to the island to shoot the dinosaurs due to his new discovered love of big game hunting (again no explanation needed).
As the movie is from the dinosaurs point of view we see groups of them eating, craping and doing general animal stuff while conversing about the weather. Ian Malcolm turns up at random points (always leading to a big audacious fight). Malcolm kills a few of the hyper intelligent dinosaurs each time then disappears into the undergrowth.
Eventually the dinosaurs hatch a plan and trap Malcolm. They hold him captive for a year getting him to teach them English, mathematical mechanics and how human society works.
One day Malcolm awakes to find his Dinosaur captors gone, he leaves the cage and goes to try to find a way off the island (bothered on occasion by the stupid un evolved dinosaurs). He finds a boat escapes the island and heads for mainland America. When he gets to whichever city is geographically closest to the 1st Jurassic park island he finds the city partially destroyed and deserted.
Grabbed suddenly and pulled into a nearby building he looks on the face of some very troubled humans. He asks them "what is going on?" and explains how he has been away from civilisation. They tell him a chilling tale (shown in flashback) of how Dinosaurs came to the city in helicopters made of scrap and bombed the shit out of all the strategically important areas of the city. So now the Dinosaurs have full control of this city or perhaps the world.
The film ends with Ian Malcolm realising it is all his fault for teaching the Dinosaurs many things.

Most memorable scene: Either when the Dinosaurs are bombing the city or when Ian Malcolm has to teach the head Dinosaur how to speak English by singing that song from My fair lady.
Moral: Dinosaurs shouldn't learn mathematics for fear of them rising up against humanity.
Possible spinoff: Ian Malcolm Dinsosaur Hunter, it's like Planet of the Apes meets that bit in the Jungle book with King Louis the monkey.



P.S: I may write another one of these possible movies later or perhaps I'll decide they are too stupid and write something completely un related.

The Triforce Paradigm

A fair few weeks ago I saw some TV show about kids getting Asbos.
I've no recollection of what the show was.
Infact I've so little recollection and the memory seems so hazy it may even have been a dream.

Anyway the point is the show (or dream) told me that the reason kids are getting so many Asbos or getting into so much trouble is because they don't have any role models. Or if they do have role models they are trashy celebrities found in Heat magazine (Girls Aloud not withstanding in my opinion).

This got me thinking maybe the reason I'm such a rounded human being is because of the celebrities I perceive to be my role models. Strong male role models who have helped shape my moral outlook on life.

Lets take a look:

1. Sean Connery

A man who commands respect. Not only does he always steal scenes in a movie (The Rock and Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade being the best examples) but he was also Mr Universe which surely makes him king of the universe. Also he fights for Scottish Independence even though he lives in Barbados and no one questions this (because he'd punch them in the face). And he'd have your Dad in fight when infact Connery is an old man.

2. Christian Bale

Nearly every movie he does is a new breed of amazing. Plus he made a film (the Prestige) where magicians didn't look like absolute idiots. And he helped resurrect the Batman movies from being unwatchable messes (Forever and Robin) into the best comic book movie adaptations ever.

3. Optimus Prime

He's just so damn righteous and with an inbuilt respect for humanity. This can only be bettered by the fact he is a robot that turns into a lorry.

Now on it's own that information is interesting but not particularly useful. I mean surely everyone already knew this; Connery, Bale and Prime are exceedingly good role models. But if we take this data and try to pictorially display it (by putting it on the Triforce).

We now see that Connery becomes Power (because he is King of the Universe).
Bale is wisdom (he has the foresight to choose amazing films - or makes films amazing either way wisdom).
And Prime is courage (he preaches to the other Autobots about not killing humans even when it would make his goals of stopping the Decepticons easier).

So what's the moral of all this I here you ask, is it that the role models kids should have today to stop their destructive behaviour should balance power, wisdom and courage?

Nope the moral is kids should be made to play the Legend of Zelda because then they wouldn't be on the streets playing near my damn bins.

The key to sellling your product

So yer I haven't written on here in ages which I do apologise for.
However I don't apologise for how short and lame this post is going to be - that you'll have to put with.

Basically lifestyle product photography is shit and if you click here you'll see why.

You should really click that link and read that whole post because it is amazingly funny and sums up what's wrong with Lifestyle Photography in a much more precise way than I ever could.

Go on trust me, have I ever led you wrong before?

Arnie in Japan

Yes I know I've been neglecting this blog but a combination of nothing very interesting happening coupled with being kinda busy has led to a lack of updates.
Anyway a few people have said they enjoyed Arnie's adventures in Brazil so in the spirit of pleasing them I've added these Arnie japanese adverts - check them out they're mad.







It's just like Mr Sparkle well hopefully that'll tie you over until I come up with something interesting.

You're sick and twisted misses

Look at this photo



That was once a dog, now it's inhumanely been made to look like Leonardo the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you look into it's eyes I'm pretty sure you can see that it wants to die - still at least it raised a chuckle.

" Sierra? Sierra? "

Hello everyone.
I haven't written on here in a while due to nothing interesting happening. As per usual things have been a little dull.
Anywho I was lucky enough to be shown (by one of my friends) this incredible Arnie video.


I won't analyse the whole thing but pay close attention to Arnie trying to say cheers to that lady (in her native tongue) and later grabbing a lot of ladies arses - quite clearly without their permission.

Also just incase this blog ever becomes a piece of influential academic reference material in regard to the media; Ian Hislop Arnie is not the worst actor ever he was in Terminator 2 - a highly regarded classic (he was also in Total Recall, Predator, Terminator and True Lies, not definitives masterpieces of cinema but very good none the less). So there.

Also does anyone know what's happened to the website stupidfuckingcustomer@blogspot.com I miss its very existence.

How to make yourself look cooler than you actually are

Because I'm cool I play guitar.....

Actually scrap that, because I wanted to be cool/ and I liked At the Drive In/ and I wanted to write silly songs I learned to play guitar.

So anyway my 1st guitar was in a bit of a state (the electronics needed repairing, the paint at the bottom was chipped

and more importantly (due to my younger self attempting to customise it without the correct tools - damn you past me) the overall paint job was a bit screwed).

Well recently I was introduced to this bloke who happens to be mildly artly talented and customises guitars. So I've handed him my 1st guitar with the hope that he could fix up this visual disgrace and then assuming he did a good job I would pay him some money.

So here are the preliminary photos of what he has done (also note this is obviously not finished).





No your eyes do not decieve you that is indeed an unfinished Optimus Prime standing on my guitar, waiting for some sort of Decepticons invasion. I think it looks really cool and assuming all goes according to plan this should finish as an exemplary piece of awesome.

Also if you want something painting you can check out this guys work at: http://www.myspace.com/carillioncustom

Nuts TV update: Big Cook Little Cock

Well Nuts TV stoops to a new level by being presented by the bloke who plays little cook in Big Cook Little Cook.


As you can see in this photo he is flying on a broomstick.

I think the picture is pretty self explanatory on why that man is a fool. But my inner anger also comes from the fact he did a TV show for BBC 3 where he kept complaining on how having ginger hair was impeding his getting with girls.

What actually was impeding this girl related action was starring in big cook little cook, and being a tool.

Still on a lighter note Nuts TV was talking about broadsheet newspapers today so at least it was teaching people something which as you can see is funny.

The day that TV went wrong

Originally this update was going to be a list of TV shows that got canceled and how it was an actual disgrace. But now I have a televisual event that's even worse than all the shows I love getting thrown into the great rubbish bin of stuff I care about.

So last Wednesday Nuts TV began.

For all those who don't know Nuts is a lad mag, not just a lad mag probably the lowest common denominator lad mag that exists. Full of tales of how the editors get pissed up everynight and hang out with pretend lesbian glamour models. (Not that I don't like half naked girls or jokes and other such things but it's just so poorly handled, once I read an issue on a train journey and I was just so bored).

Anyway they've taken the Nuts format and turned it into a TV channel on Freeview. It runs from 9pm til 1am and it's so crap. Ball achingly crap infact.
It's presented so badly and it's so unfunny.
And then it ends with this:



It's Lucy Pinder reading Shakespeare.
Now I like Lucy Pinder she is hot. But that beautiful shell of a woman houses the most hideous voice and sorry to be so middle class (I'm not sorry) but her Shakespeare pronunciation is well off.
Disgusting.

On the plus side at least Nuts the magazine has made FHM look like a classier lads mag with better photo skill and funnier humour.

The crazy world of comedy

A couple of weeks ago I saw Knocked Up at the cinema.
I have to say I enjoyed it. Actually I really enjoyed it.
It wasn't the funniest comedy I'd ever seen, it just had this weird sense of realism, some of the scenes you could actually imagine happening (or at least being vaguely similar in real life). Also the humour swung from stoner, gross out stuff to observational comedy.
The final thing that really did it for me was seeing a load of actors from Judd Apatow's (the directors) previous work (Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared and the 40 year old virgin) in new roles, it was an entertaining case of recognise the cameo.
So in conclusion Knocked Up = good times.

A couple of days before that I saw Evan Almighty.
It was shite.
I had heard as much but I was hoping that Steve Carell could still make it amusing to me. The problem with that movie turned out not to be the cast or the ridiculous but hilarious premise but the fact the writers had forgotten to put any jokes in. How do you make a comedy without jokes? I dunno, maybe this was originally intentioned as a documentary, possibly? Yer that's right a documentary about a senator becoming the reincarnation of Noah.
Anyway the only thing I drew from this film is that Morgan Freeman would make an excellent God.

Finally the IT Crowd has been on Channel 4 for a few weeks now and so far this second series has been really funny (even though they did kill of Chris Morris who is a bit of a legend). I fully recommend you watch the next few episodes or get hold of them on 4OD.
Just so you know what to expect I'll tell you that tonights episode covered those crappy piracy info-ads, German cannibals and the smoking ban now making smokers feel like persecuted Russians under a communist dictators regime, well I thought it was funny even if you don't.

You never get remixes like this for songs from the UK.

This absolutely proves to me that Avril Lavigne is cool.



Now which is the emoticon for knowing cynicism or irony?

The curse of Thandie Newton

Hey everyone how have you been?
You've probably noticed I haven't updated this in weeks, that's because I haven't had anything to say - you see nothing interesting has happened it's all been very boring.

That was until today when I went to the cinema, where (as well as seeing a film) I also saw a trailer for Simon Pegg's new movie Run Fat Boy Run.
Now I find Simon Pegg a funny guy. I also find Dylan Moran who he is co starring with a funny guy. But the trailer looked remarkably unfunny and I couldn't work out what could ruin the comedic combination of Pegg and Moran.


And then I saw it - Thandie Newton.

Now I'm not saying that Thandie Newton is a terrible actress who can't act in films - that's just mean - I'm just saying any film she is in becomes crap. She is like the albatross from the Rime (spelt correctly) of the Ancient Mariner (you shoot her with a camera (not crossbow) and immediately your film becomes cursed).

Anyway enough of that let's look at the body of evidence to back up my theory (please bear in mind I'm only using films I've actually seen).

2006 The Pursuit of Happyness - Will Smith plays on human emotions and tries to win an Oscar.

2005/2004 ER - Yes that's right she starred in the TV show ER, infact she conveniently appeared opposite Dr Carter just as ER started to go downhill, coincidence?

2004 Crash - A film about how racism is bad and effects many different classes of society in everyday situations - Holy Shit really? I thought racism only occurred in prison on the feast of Scotchtoberfest.

2004 The Chronicles of Riddick - Pitch Black was good this was really bad, but in all fairness that was probably also down to Vin Diesel being self indulgent.

2000 Mission Impossible 2 - 1 and 3 are actually rather good. This movie is overly simplistic and clearly built around a poxy motorcycle chase, it's best described as mucky.

1994 Interview with a vampire - This didn't suck, but that's probably because the combined efforts of Brad Pitt, Christian Slater and Tom Cruise kept it afloat. Yes even Antonio Banderas half arsed acting can't ruin this.

So there we have it that's my theory. Now for once I'm not absolutely certain in my convictions instead I ask you the question:

Thandie Newton albatross of cinema or some random actress?

I stole this from popjustice.com

This is the Girl Aloud press release for their greatest hits.



It is probably one of the greatest contemporary things I have ever ever read. And supposedly it was written by Nicola (the ginger one). SO with this in mind I hereby declare this: Nicola Roberts I've always found you attractive (even though my friends claimed you looked sickly and had a fish head) but I figured we were mentally incompatible. If you did indeed write that press release we are in fact very compatible and I will actually marry you - FACT.

(Disclaimer: If on the other hand someone from the marketing department wrote that, then congratulations you have smashed the delicate illusion I envisaged around Girls Aloud and I'll never trust a televisual manufactured pop band again - ever).

Uber quick update

A) Transformers was great - an over solid 8/10 - yer it was flawed but it was really cool and visually arresting, so go see it. Oh and even if you hate the cheesey bits you'll have to admit that special effects wise it's spectacular.
B) The Simpsons movie was well plotted but just not as funny as it should have been 6/10.
C) Kate Nash' single Foundations must be absolutely blindingly brilliant as pretty much every person I've spoken to loves it (even some of my metal head friends) so well done her 8/10.
D) Turns out Waitrose Tropical fruit juice is an excellent Um Bongo substitute (it tastes exactly the same) so thus the problem was solved.

That is all.

Robot Week: The Killer 7th

Robot No.7 HK47



When George Lucas invented Star Wars all those years ago he probably didn't realise that A) Droids would be on the light and dark side of the force and B) Star Wars videogames would get so shit and find so little inspiration from the prequels they were supposed to tie in with that the best Star Wars game in years would be completely removed from the original world Lucas envisaged.

Anyway droid HK47 is a droid on the Dark side of the force who regards humans as meat bags and is a little head mental. (I'd quote it but I can' remember of the funny key lines). The point is HK47 is not humanities last hope just a random orange psycho.

Strengths: The Dark side is strong in this one.
Weaknesses: The Dark side is strong in this one.
Stuff it's been in that's great: Knights of the old Republic I and II

Robot Week: 666

This robot may not have as many weapons as Metal Gear but is still pretty terrifying. It also has less of a sense of moral decency than Bender.

Robot No.6 Paris Hilton


I'm pretty convinced Paris Hilton is a robot it would explain a lot. Like why she is so dead behind the eyes or what her actual function is in life.
Obviously being a robot is not an actual function in life, but being a sex-bot is.
I'm not one for conspiracy theories but I'm pretty sure Paris Sex-bot Hilton was sent in by some minor foreign nation to infiltrate the USA's social "elite". She was programmed to get in the pants of these tycoons young male offspring and thus manipulate (son to father to government) benefits for this foreign nation.

Strengths: She can manipulate the financially strong and mentally weak.
Weaknesses: Like Bender Paris gets her energy from alcohol.
Stuff she's been great in: Uh nothing counts as a choice, maybe.

Robot Week: 5

Robot No.5 EVA 01



It's huge, purple and green and humanities only hope (that's definitely a pattern in robots).

Strengths: It has a sonic knife for stabbing, access to giant automatic weaponry and something called an AT field which is basically a massive inbuilt shield. Also once it regenerated a limb.
Weaknesses: Although it has a battery to power it this only lasts 5 minutes, to be fully functional the Evangelion has to be plugged into the mains.
Stuff it's been in that's great: Neon Genesis Evangelion a morality tale about modern society and big robots.

Robot Week: Part 4

Moving away from the Robots in videogames thing.

Robot No.4 Bender



He's a smoking, drinking, swearing, stealing, manipulating machine that has a desire to kill all humans. But yet he does have a bizarre personal sense of moral decency.

Strengths: He can bend stuff.
Weaknesses: Alcohol provides him with the strength to work.
Stuff he's been in that's great: Futurama - probably my favourite animated comedy show. Yes I prefer it to the Simpsons it's a load of the jokes about videogames and Tron and the 80s and The Beastie Boys, it's as if Matt Groening made a show specifically for me.

Robot Week: Threes

I just posted the Probotector bit and realised due to the time I was one post down. So here we go again:

Robot No.3 Metal Gear



In the future we'll all have one of these to drive to work.

This is what Metal Gear Rex looks like in Lego form - you can see more of this guys work here


The little known Metal Gear Gander. Sorry I'm going on about this but I just think robots are neat.

(By the way: I don't know if the very definition of a robot means artificial intelligence is involved and as I'm too lazy to find out I'll just pretend it doesn't).

Metal Gear is a great big walking tank, that likes to shoot things. There are many different versions/iterations but the important things to note are A) It's bigger than you B) It has more weapons than you and C) It can't think for itself, but it probably does hate you.

Strengths: Lots of weapons (rail gun, laser, mini gun, missiles and Nuclear capable) and some form of quality radar system, Metal Gear Ray can swim.
Weaknesses: Requires someone to operate it (so may not technically be a robot). A single man with a rocket launcher can destroy it if he knows wear to shoot it. Also I'm not sure it's legs are that stable.
Stuff it's been in that's great: I very much recommend Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation (or Gamecube remake) and Metal Gear Solid on the Game boy Advance.

Robot Week: Part Deux

Robot No. 2 Probotector


The 2 gun approach is the way to help rebuild a post apocalyptic future.

America had Contra - a videogame series where a Rambo type bloke and a Schwarzenegger in Predator type bloke shot robots and aliens in the face. When it came to a European release (possibly because Germany had very strict videogame laws) Konami changed all the graphics of the Rambo guys (and some of them more human looking enemies) into Robots. So Rambo and Predator guy became robots called Probotectors and unsurprisingly they are humanities last hope in an Alien War (well at least in no.3 which is the best one).

Strengths: Probotectors carry two guns which have different firing and ammo modes depending on the power up collected. They also seem to be able to pull off excellent ending poses at the end of each mission.
Weaknesses: They get hit once and they die. If you were building humanities last hope would you really make them so on the cheap?
Stuff they've been in that's great: Probotector 1,2 on the NES and Super Probotector: Alien Rebels (or Probotector 3) on the SNES.

And so Robot Week begins

In celebration of the Transformers movie being in cinemas from Friday the 27th I have deemed this week robot week. Now this means I'll be writing a feature on a robot each day (if I can remember) for at least a week.

Now many of you have probably thought why don't you start this epic robot related extravaganza on Friday and then do it up to the day the Transformers movie is officially released. The answer is twofold: 1. I'm away for some of next week. 2. Previews for "possibly the best Michael Bay film ever" start next Tuesday.

Robot No.1 Astro boy/Megaman



Put a shirt on you'll catch a virus.


You'd be happy to if you were blue like that.

These two little guys count as one choice because it is obvious they are infact the same robot. It's just one was created in the 50s then the other one ripped off the one from the 50s in the 80s.

Strengths: Astroboy can fly, Megaman is Blue. Both have a gun in their arm. Megaman has a cool theme tune.
Weaknesses: Astroboy is plagued by weird men (that's what happens when you're a child and don't wear a shirt, and do wear shorts), Megaman relies too much on his dog.

Stuff they've been in that's great: The Astro boy TV series from 2004. Any show that features a line (that ws something like) "that robot ate the Rollercoaster and the Super Safari ride, by this time tomorrow the town will be flooded with unemployed hippobots" deserves a mention.
Megaman games are selectively good, I personally enjoy Megaman 2 , 7 and X (that's an X not a 10, there has never been a Megman 10.)

Staring into the Abyss

I've literally just reached the end of the internet it looked like this:


Or this:



Or perhaps this:


Infact when I searched "then end of internet" there were so many pages, so I was a bit confused as to which was the real one. But one of these must be... probably.

You are what you see (on Tv)

I know I've been using too many videos recently but I saw these and I just knew that you would want to see them.



This song is a Girls Aloud B-side.


I'm not going to pretend there is any hidden meaning to these two videos they are what they are, but they did keep me amused.

Also today I saw probably the 2nd best music video cameo I had ever seen. I was watching the video for Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas) song Big Girls Don't Cry and who did I see? None other than Peter Petrelli of Heroes fame (he was playing a greasy Mexican bloke).

One day I may tell you about the greatest music video cameo I ever saw but that is a tale for another time (like when I haven't written a blog update in weeks and I need a filler).

Talking of filler, to pass some of the time I've been watching a bit more TV than usual. How in the 7 levels of hell does MTV continue to produce such vapid shit? Seriously I can watch almost anything beginning to end but Laguna Beach has shot me down time and time again. Ir's supposedly the real OC but these kids really do nothing, they sit and complain about who fancies who then cop of with each others respective partners, whilst clearly spending loads of money that has been given to them by their parents. I'm starting to think the real reason this show exists is because one of the executives who commissioned it is one of the kids parents and he was fed up with them lounging round the house:

"Here Jason, here's your own camera crew, make a show about your own life, just get out the damn house, I'm fed up with your lounging and complaining. Also if you see your mother while you're out tell her to come home soon, we're having guests over tonight and I'm gonna need a partner if we're to play the car keys in the hat game. "

40,000 signatures why won't they make another one?

Well I was hoping I could welcome you all back to this blog with an exciting story of how I met Mr Biffo (for all those who don't know he is this bloke who pretty much shaped my comedy outlook. He wrote a set of videogames pages on Teletext that I read everyday for 5 years during my "idiotic" teenagehood). He is a personal hero of mine and one day I will write an entry on here on why he is brilliant. Anyway instead of hanging out with him at a signing of his new book Confessions of a Chatroom Freak I was stuffing envelopes in a factory/warehouse type place. I won't tell you how many I did because it'll just make me sound petty - but believe me it was a fair few.

So while I was doing that one of my good chums set up a Facebook group to celebrate the beauty and all round goodness of Ellie the hot female presenter of Newsround. If you have a Facebook account I suggest you add it as one of your groups. I suggest this not just because Ellie explains the news in a simple but eloquent manner but because she deserves to be recognised as a master crafts woman. A woman whose job it is explain to children that people are dying in conflicts all around the world and to this end she does a very good job. So go search (on Facebook) Ellie Crisell (the fit one from Newsround) Appreciation Society to get involved in the cult.

If you look to the right of my posts you'll see a list of links of websites I read. Now one of them ickle computer people has suggested that a really cool new craze to start would be blog cards. The idea would be that every blog would feature a blog card that could then be saved as and collected. (Yes I am aware there would be millions). Now as I have come from the collection generation (Pogs, Go gos and Pannini sticker collections) I thought this was a bandwagon I wanted to be part of. Hence why sitting on the right hand side is a big "Blog Card".



The face of my blog card is Ryo Hazuki probably the greatest fictional character of the past 10 years, he appeared in both Shenmue games on the Dreamcast. I could go on about the importance of the character and what relevance he bears to our society and how infact he is actually a post ironic metaphor of our 21st century lifestyles, but here is what you need to know:

1)The game Shenmue cost millions and was the final nail in Sega's massive bloated coffin.
2)Once Ryo went "Looking for some sailors", he then beat the crap out of them in a bar fight.
3)He has a mysterious plaster on his face.
4)In his wardrobe are 10 sets of identical clothes and shoes.
5)What the hell was actually going on in Shenmue is a giant Xfiles esq mystery, and somewhat like the Xfiles there will probably never be a satsfactory conclusion.
This is also the reason why there is a 43,784 signature petition to make Shenmue 3 kicking round the internet.

To be honest Ryo Hazuki and Shenmue represent this blog really well. A massively ridiculous self indulgent mess that to the casual observer looks like it doesn't know where it's going and doesn't really make any logical sense, but in spite of these flaws 40,000 people want a sequel to be made - oh no wait that doesn't work as a clever comparision.

The summer starts here

So the lack of regular updates recently would suggest that the summer has started.
This doesn't however mean I've run out of things to talk about (that'll kick in about July) it instead means I've been too busy to sit down and write something.

Anyway I'm going away for a couple of days so instead of writing a load of blog updates over a series of days I will instead just dove tail a load of crap together in a quick and meaningless chunk of information for you to digest.

This is the 2nd trailer for the Transformers movie (27th July UK).


I think this movie looks absolutely amazing and more importantly they had the Transforming sound (listen to when Optimus Prime transforms) from the 80s movie. As far as I'm concerned the only way this could possibly be messed up is if the pacing was Star wars episode 2 style (leave all the action to the last half an hour and feature an embarrassing chicken run style sequence (that bit in the robot factory)). Dialogue is a complete irrelevance with this kind of movie too so theoretically (and I'm really hoping here) Michael Bay should have knocked out a really fun ridiculous movie with lots of spectacular destruction and no Armageddon style failings (oh and of course no Ben Affleck).

I WARN YOU from here on in this article is muchly sinking into the realms of videogames so if you are adverse to such things you may want to leave the rest of this article.


Still here?

Good I'll carry on then. Today I was reading in Edge about Sonic Xtreme which was going to be a 3D esq Sonic game on the Saturn, then while surfing the net (reading something completely unrelated) I came across some videos of it (in its early stages).





Then I went and found this a 3D section of Sonic Jam on the Saturn (a compilation of old Mega Drive Sonic games with a 3D world map section to swap between games).



Now my point is how come these ancient 3D Sonic games all have a working 3D camera and the new games are all feature a very broken buggy mess of a camera system. Also I hate the way the new games are set in the real world - what's wrong with patchwork brown and orange escapism?

Finally on a completely unrelated non-Sonic note if the Big Brother house this year had started full of men instead of women would the men have taken the bath out the living room and instead re plumbed it in the bathroom? Then put the fridge back in the kitchen? All in the same night of course. And then by the end of the week added a loft and balcony to the house?

That's nothing against women I'm just saying that in all likely hood the men going in would know a trade and have brought power tools as their luxury items.

It was literally the greatest thing I had ever seen, well at least the greatest thing I saw that day

I was shown this a couple of days ago.
I think I may have actually weeped a bit.

The press sensationalises everything

So I read today that an Orangutan had escaped from it's cage at a zoo in Taiwan and was wrecking up the place. It sounded really exciting with claims that "it picked up and threw a motorbike" and "ran about in a riotous fashion".
So obviously I wanted to said exciting Orangutan shenanigans and this is what I saw:



Running about!? It's moseying about at best (or strolling about at worst) and a motorcycle was thrown? More like a scooter was pushed over.

It just find it depressing that my hopes were built up, and then dashed, by someone who just obviously doesn't appreciate the comedy and excitement that a riotous monkey relative can cause.
I mean I understand that when you're reporting you have to try to make the event interesting but surely for the majority of people the single line description of Orangutan escapes cage and dosses about would have been enough to get people engaged. Then I wouldn't have been so disappointed with the relatively mundane monkey outcome (alright I know it's not a monkey but I fancied some alliteration).

Anyway I'm off to watch Dunston checks in or Every which way but loose. Now those Orangutans knew how to be funny.

2007 will be a golden age of Eastern European music

I know I've been exceedingly slow to jump on this one but the two best songs of the 2007 Eurovision song contest were:

Georgia's entry: Visionary Dream


and Russia's entry: #1


For those unable to access the videos, Visionary dream starts off sounding like the opening operatic piece of a Final Fantasy game and then spirals off into a muddled mix of synths and dance beats (which Eastern Europe likes apparently). It's a bit different and I think quite interesting.

#1 is classic Girls Aloudesq stuff. Eg. dirty bass line and cheeky vocals. Nothing to complicated really.

On a side note Popjustice.com also decided that Russia's entry #1 was the best song at the Eurovision song contest. This proves to me that my ability to make my own decisions has been eroded away due to years of Videogame abuse and I now make my decisions by pre-empting what my favourite websites are going to write.

Anyway the main point still is that neither of these songs won.

Sigue Sigue Sputnik were actually good.

Ok so I haven't updated this properly in ages.
The reason being I've been exceedingly busy, also as I wrote 10 posts in a pretty short space of time (granted they were at varying degrees of goodness) I figured I'd written enough for a while.
Anyway the point is I'm back and it's time for me to learn you something.

I now have actual proof that the 80s was the greatest decade for pop music.
The proof comes in the form of this: I have recently purchased the soundtrack to the Breakfast club and The Transformers movie. Now both albums contain the lowest common denominator pop music of the time (obviously that isn't shocking). What is shocking is that pretty much every track is amazing. (You'll have to trust me on this as it would be impossible for a mere mortal to describe how good these songs are).

So this means that if the shittest pop music (always found on film soundtracks) of the decade is superb then the best pop music of that decade must be the greatest ever made.

Now usually I would end this post with a picture of Optimus Prime looking glorious, but I've decided to take this blog in a more adult direction.



That's Hot Rod he became leader of the Autobots after Optimus Prime.
Interestingly a lot of kids were so upset that Optimus Prime died in the Transformers movie (which is why Hot Rod became leader (Ultra Magnus doesn't count)) that they locked themselves in their rooms and cried because they were so upset.

They went in as boys, but came out as men - and that is what being an adult is about - accepting death. Be it the death of a fellow human being or the death of a 10ft tall robot who transforms into a red lorry.

Will they actually perform the school musical this time?

High School Musical 2 - Seeing this promo photo proves to me we're in for a great summer.

We've come a long way

So here we are.
You probably don't realise this but today marks not only the 100th "article" or post or whatever you want to call it but it's also the 1 year anniversary of when I started my blog.

You may however have noticed I've been posting a lot within the last 4 days and with this quantity there was a sharp decline in quality.
What infact happened was I noticed that the birthday of this blog was coming up and if I really pushed the quality I could make the 100th post on the birthday, so I did. Hence the lack of recent goodness.

Anyway I'm going to keep noting down ridiculous things because they are funny (even if I am not) and hopefully people will keep responding with such positive comments as "That was really funny when" or "I don't like it when you put videos on coz I can't watch them" or "None of that blog is funny - you're an idiot."

Well whatever the outcome I'll keep writing.



Also still no Um Bongo.

Hull: hyperborean for kingdom of the northern monkeys

Well people ask me about Hull all the time and what it's like to live in what is regarded as one of the worst places in the entire country so to satisfy people's curiosity I've put together a list of facts about Hull.

1) It's true there is no coloured sky just an absence of light.
2) Sometimes at night you can smell this weird smell of burning chocolate this is caused by the caramelising factory on an industrial estate.
3) It is illegal to fly a small plane under the Humber bridge.
4) One night the bridge did transform into a giant robot - 5 people died.
5) Scientific investigation proved water in the river Humber is twice as dirty as dirt.
6) The nightclub Spiders is run as a charity that is why it's so cheap.
7) The art museum in Hull contains a mural of the day Hull fought for independence from the rest of Yorkshire.
8) Next doors dog contains the spirit of Hull's love for the rest of humanity, that is why it's dying.
9) Once in the butchers we saw a headless carcass lying on the floor - it may have been a dead alsatian.
10) The people of Hull believe caramelised alsatian to be a delicacy.

Way down deep in the middle of the congo....the clawless otters were employed to package Um Ognob

Ok this is less an article more of a request.
Has anyone seen Um Bongo recently?
(The fruit juice drink usually in a carton).
I've been looking to get hold of some to be the basis of a fruit cocktail. I think it'd be awesome-o.

Anyway to stop me looking like some kind of information moocher I've sweetened the pill by giving you some Um Bongo facts courtesy of wikipedia.

"For a short period of time in the 1990s, Um Bongo was renamed Um Ognob as a marketing ploy.

Song Lyrics

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, a hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango. He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty tango.
The rhino said, "I know, we'll call it Um Bongo", Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo.
The python picked the passion fruit, the marmoset the mandarin. The parrot painted packets that the whole caboodle landed in.
So when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle, They all prefer the sunny funny one they call Um Bongo!

The song was sung by Tony Jackson, a member of the band 'Rage', best known for their 1992 number 4 chart hit, "Run to You". "

I've also loaded up a youtube video of the song sung by some bloke on xfm.

My new favourite show (part 2)

So kids part of my fascinating series on Tv now continues. I bet you can't wait.

Well my second new favourtie show is a little program called Heroes which is one of the most popular Tv extravaganzas in America at the moment.

I could go on about all the subtle little things that make it well worth watching but the main point is it's Lost meets the Xmen.

The hook of the show is ordinary people around the world are realising they have superpowers. What is causing this? Who has these crazy superpowers? Does the government know this is happening?

The story telling is pretty much the Lost style with a nice load of questions posed at the beginning and then more questions are added in later. However unlikeLost it seems to be pretty good at answering questions it sets up and more importantly doesn't waste all our time with crappy character flashbacks when we all know that what is currently happening in the characters lives is a lot more interesting.

I could go on about Heroes' characters and who has what power but that would kind of ruin the show (Peter Petrelli and Hiro have the best powers and are the coolest people in it by far).

I think it starts on BBC2 in June so try to watch it - and that's the end of that.

One of the best toys ever...

Before I begin on this one I'd just like to explain that I have a younger sister (9 years old) and that's how I know about current children's toys. I don't buy toys anymore I'm too old or something.
(Unless it was a reissue Optimus Prime in which case that would be acceptable).

So these toys are called Pixel Chicks and make the best use of the LCD screen I've
seen in quite a while (since the Gameboy probably).

The 1st one I saw looked like this:



It's a house, and when it's switched on the screen displays a person who lives in it
and you can interact with said person and feed them and plays games it's like the Sims in a toy.

Another one look like this:



It's a car and a little person appears driving the car on the screen. I can't remember what else it does but I do know that if you link the house and the car together the person walks out the door on the screen of the house and gets into the car.

Then there's this one:






It's a shop and the screen can be moved from the bottom to the top and the little person serves in the two separate shops. You serve customers and clean up and earn money to spend on clothes. It's great as it teaches my sister the responsibility of being 16 and having a job when she is infact 10.

Finally this one is exceedingly odd, when it's round this way:



a dog lives in the house and you feed, pet and groom it.

But when it's round this way:



The dog starts acting like it's on stage and playing a gig. The buttons then allow you to play some kind of musical mini game.

So to conclude: LCD screens are now being put to their best use by allowing kids to play the Sims in some kind of plastic house/shop/car/kennel thing.

Any respect I now have for Avril Lavigne is BECAUSE of Girlfriend

Here is more proof if needed that the current Avril Lavigne single (Girlfriend)is absolutely brilliant. Music is supposed to be a subjective and this has been proved by the fact that I have a friend who has a completely different musical taste to me. It is almost the case that anything I love he will hate and vice versa (obviously there are small exceptions to this).
However with the single Girlfriend both of us are really really into it. So I left him this message on his facebook wall:

"Ok check this facebook group:
Any Respect I Ever Had for Avril Lavigne is Now Lost Because of Girlfriend"
Ok so by enjoying that song does this mean we're weird and child like when we enjoy the cheap guitar licks and uninspiring drum rhythms coupled with the lyrics of a simplistic pre teen. Or does this mean we're adult and cool because we have seen and ignored her faux musings on love and relationships and instead embraced the bubble gum pop nuances of her 1st self penned single in these her early years of post matrimony?

You decide."

To which he replied

"I've spent a lot of time trying to work out why I love this song so much.

This is possibly because I'm in the library so much and going mad.

I do, however, think that it is genuine pop genius, and heir to a long line of heartbroken bravado in pop music. There's none of the bollocksy emoting of the previous stuff: if you looked at the lyrics on paper then they're basically desperately sad and insecure, but they're dressed up - like much good pop - in incredible bluster.

I think most immediately of Kelly Clarkson, but before that Talulah Gosh, even The Blue Nile, right back to motown stuff and the Shangri-Las. Also, the chord progressions shamelessly bite
'You Can Make Him Like You' by The Hold Steady, and that can only be a good thing.

All this proves that most people are idiots and can't identify good pop when it is pounding them in the face: also, some fucking wank rock group will probably do a ballady acoustic version for the FUCKING live lounge and completely...
...miss the point."

His reply was infact so long that it filled the entire Facebook character limit and he had to make two posts.

So there you go it "proves" Girlfriend is brilliant and more importantly has temporarily united mine and my friends musical tastes. Thus making me happy.

Case study - Danny Boyle vs Alex Garland: It's like that

Before I begin this I just want to say that I think Danny Boyle is actually a pretty damn good director. I would also like to state that for the record Alex Garland is also an exceedingly good writer and hugefan of Digitiser so well done to him for that.
Anyway this writing/directing duo have done several films together ofwhich I've only seen two. Interestingly both these films had not the same flaw but the same place in the movie where I got disinterested.

28 Days Later: Zombie film set in London. Cillian Murphy wakes up to find London
deserted (from human life at least) and with a few fast moving zombies kicking about. He finds some survivors and they head to Manchester. As of this point (1/3 through the movie) things get a bit silly with Cillian and the last few survivors held "hostage" in a slightly gay army base.

Sunshine: A team of astronauts have to detonate a nuclear bomb in the middle of our sun to stop it from dying. There are no aliens, the main threat comes from the sun itself (how do you fly a ship close to the sun without it bursting into flame?) The point is that the last 1/3 of the film it changes from a film of 2001esq wonder into some kind of horror movie with lots of running about in the dark. Cillian Murphy stars as one of the astronauts.

So the question is can Danny Boyle and Alex Garland not make the last 1/3 of a film consistent or does Cillian Murphy just ruin it intentionally?

Listen to this I'm facting you up

So let's have a simple conversation.
The national newspapers take a while to catch on to new technology and recently (and currently) "the buzz" has been over Myspace. The media seem to have a big thing about how Myspace is about building yourself as a brand and then selling yourself or your brand on Myspace.

Of course this is rubbish Myspace was designed to link people together with people writing details about themselves on their own Myspace page which others can see and their friends can link to.

The point is that Myspace is actually very very crap for networking and there is 1 hell of a better program out there to use for that sort of thing and it's called Facebook. So here are 8 reasons why Facebook is great and if you're into the whole networking with friends things you should really get on it:

8) You can leave messages on a persons virtual wall, for them to collect later.
7) Facebook started out as a tool for linking University friends together and
initially only universities could sign up so it has elitest beginnings.
6) You can make whole albums of photos from 1 occasion.
5) The amount of space to load photos is significantly larger than Myspace.
4) You can invite people to come to real life events.
3) All your friends are grouped sensibly by geographical areas.
2) You can make your own group up about anything then get people to join it.
So for instance if you like the fruity drink Um bongo you could start the Um bongo appreciation society and get friends to join it.
1) It never comes up with a server too busy message.

Please note this update is not supposed to be funny, it is factual. People occasionally need facts otherwise life would be some kind of living circus.

My new favourite show (part 1)

So I've been meaning to go on about this for ages but I haven't due to time constraints and apathy.
Anyway I've pretty much given up on watching English Tv as it's got really really terrible (with the exception of Peep show - which is so brilliant it may have to get its own blog entry at some point).
So instead of English Tv I've moved over to watching American shows pretty consistently. I still watch the obvious shows (Lost, South Park, Family Guy, Scrubs)But I also have two new favourite shows that may have slipped under the radar of a few people.

(Please note this blog entry is over two parts as I don't know when I'm going to be working on this next).

"A long time ago we used to be friends but I haven't thought of you lately at all."
That is the opening line to a Dandy Warhol's song (can't remember which one) and also the theme tune to Veronica Mars - my 1st new favourite show.

The overview of the 1st season is: Veronica Mars is best friends with Lilly Kane the most popular girl at Neptune High. One night Lilly is found murdered and it's up to Veronica's father (as town sheriff) to solve the crime. Unfortunately Keith Mars pins the crime on Lilly's father. Later someone else comes forward to admit to the crime (a man named Abel Koontz), the town revolts against Mr Mars previous decsion and he is sacked as sheriff.
Keith Mars decides to stay in Neptune and set up as a private detective. Veronica takes her father's side in the case and gets completely rejected by her so called friends.Then Veronica's mother can't cope with the stress of the situation and leaves
Veronica and Keith. Finally Veronica vows to properly solve her friend's murder.

And that is where the show starts with the main story arc being about Veronica trying to solve Lilly Kane's murder and smaller episodic stories with her helping her father and solving classmates injustices (if they're willing to pay anyway).

The point is what sounds as a disgustingly lame teen show turns out to be great with engaging characters, interesting stories and plot twists you can't guess.I do nothing but sing its praises even though it's pretty impossible to jump into half way through the season and it's a bit of a slow starter.

Basically if you get the chance to see it, do.

Also to add it's list of good deeds Steve Guttenberg (80s superstar from such movies as Police Academy and Short Circuit) guest stars in a load of episodes and Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon are in an episode each.

Subtext is for cowards

I'd like to warn you of Natasha Bedingfield's new video "I Wanna Have Your Babies" contained below this paragraph it contains a subtle and aggressive message to the youth of today.



What happens in this video (for those of you not able to watch it or whatever) is she dates an Asian guy, a blonde bloke who is clearly German, a black bloke then a plain looking English guy.
The 1st three (read foreigners or of foreign descent) she doesn't stay with or accept but the last guy, the English guy, she ends up staying with or marrying or really having kids with (it's all a bit confusing what's going on as it's a bit of a trippy video) anyway the point is the English bloke is the Baby bear to her Goldilocks.
I found this shocking. In these multi cultural times I was absolutely shaken to my very core that such blatant jingoism would be the basis of a modern pop video. I mean are other cultures not good enough or is this a social comment on mixed race children?

.....

Also the song is shit.

Briefly

I wish they'd re show Old School Byker Grove with PJ and Duncan.
I think it would be a useful exercise because:

1) It would show young people the danger of being blinded while playing paintball.
2) Hardhitting issues that affect the "kidz" would be on Tv again.
3) Gang crime would go down as gang members would see the shocking results of violent acts (this was covered repeatedly in Byker Grove).
4) I could make a joke about Geoff's beard and people would understand it.
5) The entire audience of Ant and Dec's saturday night takeaway could be shown (or reminded) where their hosts come from.
6) I could re learn how to speak Geordie as Byker Grove acted as some kind of self help book to learning foreign (Newcastle) languages.

Dear Diary...

In a bit you'll be able to read some of my recent thoughts.
What I've managed to do is link each point together rather tenuously.

1. I saw Michael J Fox and Julie Bowen (Carol Vessey in Ed) as a couple in Boston Legal - if they actually had children in real life they'd be beautiful.

So Julie Bowen (mentioned in point 1) starred in Ed. Once guest starring in Ed was the guy who did the noises in Police Academy. He obviously acted with Tackleberry (mentioned in point 2).

2. Big Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies were both in The Brady Bunch - I've watched a lot of stuff (read crap) and I figured those two had never acted again (after their appearences in those respective shows).

Marsha from the Brady bunch movie (mentioned in point 2) is married to Ben Stiller who is best friends with Owen Willson (mentioned in point 3).

3. If Armageddon was made today Owen Willson wouldn't die, infact he'd probably play Steve Buscemi's character.

Bruce Willis stars in Armageddon (mentioned in point 3) he also did a voice to the movie Over the Hedge. Avril Lavigne (mentioned in point 4) did a voice in the movie Over the Hedge.

4. Avril Lavigne currently looks like like Veronica Mars crossed with Jennifer Love Hewitt which makes her doubley hot.

Avril Lavigne (point 4) is married to one of the guys out the band Sum41. They provided a song to the movie the Santa Clause 2 which starred Tim Allen. Tim Allen does the voice of Buzz Light Year (point 5).

5. Why do all the Buzz Light years in Toy Story 2 (you know the ones, the packaged ones in the toy aisle). Why do they not know they are toys but all the other toys featured in Toy Story (packaged or not) know they are toys. Are Buzz Light Years brainwashed when they are manufactured?

Also in Toy Story 1 early on in that movie Andy doesn't play with Woody he only plays with Buzz (this is when Buzz and Woody don't get on). But later when Woody and Buzz are friends Andy starts playing with Woody and Buzz together and teams them up. So does that mean Woody and Buzz have psychological power over Andy?

And if that's the case what have my toys done to me?

Hey Hey You You I don't like your girlfriend and stuff

Sorry I haven't written on here in a while but seriously nothing has been going on, it's all been a little bit boring.
I have to say this Avril Lavigne video/song is a little bit brilliant.



Having watched that video you're probably wondering why it's good. Well it breaks down like this:

A) The opening line (Hey Hey You You I don't like your grilfriend) makes an excellent sentence to text people at random.
B) It reminds me of the Lolly version of Rocky Robin.
C) It's a bit silly.
D) Avril wrote it herself.
E) The video is completely morally bankrupt Miss Lavigne is absolutely horrible to some random nerdy girl with obvious self esteem issues. Infact she is playing a playground bully - welldone Avril this one is clearly for the kids.

One of my mates believes this song may be the start of a new pop music era. I hope so it'd be beautiful.

The Majestic Silver Marvel

I meant to tell you this weeks ago but I didn't as I forgot.
Basically you remember back when I started this Blog I was going on about a roundabout that was vaguely near where I live?
You don't?
I'll reiterate - I said this:

This is near where I live...
It's a roundabout
Sometime in the distant future a giant statue of a chicken is to be placed on it.
I literally cannot wait until that happens it will clearly be one of the funniest/pointless things that I have ever witnessed.
On a more serious note this will have cost the council thousands of pounds. This money should have gone on more worthwhile causes, like that overdue operation to have that big stick forcibly removed from all council members arses.
I don't usually comment on politics but this might be a worthwhile cause.

Well now the chicken is on said roundabout and it looks like this:








Also nothing to do with anything but I was hoping that Enter Shikari got their name from a combination of Shinji Ikari the Hero from Neon Genesis Evangelion.
It turned out they didn't.