Replacement swearing

I got this courtesy of xkcd.com I now post it here for your amusement.

One day I'll get round to posting something that's actually mine, but that day is not today.

Oh and from now on I'm counting both alfresco and bespoke as swear words. They just have that harsh sound to them, the same kind of harshness that all the extreme hardcore swear words contain.
So if you're looking for a new pair of swear words to replace F**k and C**t (yes I don't usally star them but somehow it makes it look more offesnive) may I suggest bespoke and alfresco to take their place.

Thinkb4youspeak (Hilary Duff)

Gah!
This hasn’t been updated in so long I’m not even sure people other than me will ever bother reading it. I have given myself an impossible situation to try to break free from – after a gap of so long what do I post as my comeback?
After all this needs to be my amazing comeback album of a post (not like Limp Bizkit’s Unquestionable Truth (Part 1) (also on the topic of Limp Bizkit they’ve got a new album planned for 2009, does anyone even care… really?)).

Anywho so what do I write about? Shall I circle jerk myself by going on about how my name features in the credits of a soon to be released videogame? No I shall not do that, because that would be vulgar (COUGH! - http://www.burnzombieburn.com/)

Instead I’ll let Hilary Duff do the talking:


Yes that’s right ladies and gentlemen Hilary Duff has opened my eyes. I’ll never be using the term gay in a derogatory form again….
I know the thinkb4youspeak campaign isn’t really aimed at me but shouldn’t time and money be put into something a bit more worth while? Like I dunno Transformers for under privileged kids? Also (as shown in these videos) gay is not being used in a abusive manner to the homosexual community it is being used to describe something as shit, so does that mean the word is taking on a new meaning (after all English is an ever developing language) so in turn does that mean by supporting this campaign Hilary Duff is standing in the way of progress? (The stupid luddite bitch). Anyway if homosexual people are really offended by the term “gay” (obviously being used in its slang meaning for shit) I am officially giving my permission for them to use Hetero as a retort. (Have to say though I’m not sure my permission has that much worth in the current global financial climate).

Well whatever I think Hilary Duff should write a song/album discussing the use of gay in a slang context and whether stopping its use would halt the developing language progress.

Also as a final thing I would like to state that I will be moving away from using the term “gay” to describe something bad and instead will be fully integrating “your mum” or that’s so – “shitstainedpissflapsfurryaxewoundcumdumpsterfundipHoudinicheesecakecajunstylespitro-astfootnoteofsocietymonkeymagichilaryduffisastuckupwhorebutIwould”

Oh and also someone left an anyonmous message on my last post recommending this:


If that were you thanks – I love midgets

By the way there's an Xbox 360 and Wii in my house

So the summer is almost over. And thus things might happen that'll actually get me writing again. However until this occurs console yourself with some shiny internet things I found (or was shown).

I found this amazing MSN article explaining to women what a guys choice in videogames console says about him. (I really wanted to find a copy of the article but it seems to have gone - and I can't seem to work out how to search just their articles on MSN.com (also that kinda rhymes so it must be true)).
Well basically the article broke it down that men who own PS3s are rich and need the latest gadgets. Guys who own a Wii are overly sensitive and full of fun and men who own an Xbox 360 are blood spilling potential psychos who are quite social with other muderous mentalists.
As far as I can see the whole article was devised using press releases and lifestyle photography. It was really funny and I'm sorry I cannot show you the article in all its glory.

Another great internet find is this video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl9VgSaCanI

Someone has made some really hardcore Super Mario Bros levels (using some kind of level editor). Anyway what's funnier than watching someone trying to play these levels through is listening to the song in the background basically explaining that Mario is attempting his entire quest to try and get laid.
This puts a completely new spin on the old "Who is cooler Mario or Sonic?" argument. I mean Sonic is just questing to beat up a guy with a ginger beard/moustache who tortures animals for poops and giggles. But Mario is a fat plumber trying to get his end away and he beats up the wild life just for looking at him funny.
Now tell me who is cooler...

Why was this not a sketch on Monkey Dust?

Well every year I write about Big Brother and complain about how it interferes with my Channel 4 viewing. (Just as a recap: late night Channel 4 is for weird documentaires about people with freak problems I don't understand and not for watching strangers sleeping). Well this year I didn't bother complaining about Big Brother as it has become such a non-event and more importantly it doesn't seem to be on that much. This leads me to believe that Big Brother is on the way out, after all Russell Brand doesn't do Big mouth anymore and Dermot O'Leary found the luck of the Irish was on his side when he got offerred the job of presenting Xfactor. And I'm probably right in thinking that Davina McCall said this was the last series she was going to present.

(Sorry just going off on a tangent here but I just read that Davina was the female voice dubber on the 1st series of Eurotrash - I miss that show, how else are teenagers supposed to learn that Europe has some really weird sex stuff going on and that the French guy who used to be on the Fruit Pastilles advert was actually a bit of a creepy pervert).

Right back to topic. Big Brother looks like it is dying and I'm rather happy about it but what I was thinking was that it should go for one more series but make it the most controversial series ever....

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Big Brother: 7 Deadly Sins

So there are 14 contestants to start with and people are only added in if someone leaves (leaves by choice ie not evicted) - there would be 10 public voted evictions (I'll explain why 10 in a minute).
So what happens is the people who are selected to be a contestants are people who embody one of the 7 deadly sins (Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Sloth, Vanity, Envy and Wrath). Obviously there are only 7 deadly sins but to make the number up to 14 there would be a male and female version of each.
I'm not sure I've explained this very well so I'll lay it out with a nice little list.

Gluttony - To represent Gluttony an obese man and obese woman would be contestants. (Obviously the people used would be fat of their own accord rather than have that disease where you can't stop eating).
Greed - Male and Female wallstreet traders or lawyers or perhaps a corrupt plastic surgeon. Someone who values money over everything else.
Lust - Male and Female serial adulterers.
Sloth - Male and Female stoners/wasters. One of those kids at school who was bright enough to achieve anything but just too lazy to go do it.
Vanity - Male and Female variants of someone who values beauty over everything. Perhaps an aspiring model or WAG.
Envy - (This was a bit of a shit to realise but I think I've got it). Someone who marries for money. They married for money because they wanted a richer lifestyle instead of their own. They didn't want to better themselves they were just envious of what others have. (Ok it's not brilliant but the best I could do).
Wrath - Failed attempt to murder cheating spouse (for extra controversy the cheating spouse could be the representative for Lust).

Anyway so as per usual the public votes out who they don't like (the people up for eviction are - again as per usual nominated by housemate votes) and contestants do tasks - this time inspired by stories from the Old Testament. Anyway when only 4 contestants are left in the house all the lights go low and Kevin Spacey is flown in via Helicopter onto the roof. Being a method actor he is in character of the guy he played in Seven. He creeps round the house with a tranquilizer gun and tries to shoot the contestants as they hide round the house. The last person to be shot wins and and Kevin Spacey is text clues about where different people are hidden via viewers at home (obviously the Big Brother producer has some say in which text messages Kevin Spacey actually recieves).

The usual winners ceremony follows but then it is revealed to the general public that actually it was a massive social experiment to see who the majority were prejudiced against (in all honesty probably fat people). Then Kevin Spacey gets 2 mins of plugging time to advertise his next play at the old vic.
Big Brother is then officially over forever and we all go on with our lives.
The day after this final a new series of Eurotrash is announced... The End.

Kid Rock vs Nickelback

So one of these songs is the worst song of the summer. (Although it should be pointed out that this Nickelback song has been kicking about for ages but I've only just heard it.).

Nickelback - Photograph


Kid Rock - All Summer Long


I thought (hoped) Kid Rock was dead or at least not producing "music". I have to say I wasn't sure this was even going to be released in the UK is there even a market for Kid Rock? I can't imagine that many people can relate to rock, rap and country mixed and All Summer Long even makes me dislike Sweet Home Alabama a bit which is clearly a hate crime in itself - that song was in Con Air for Gods sake.

I'm not going to complain about Nickelback as it's pointless all the usual critisicms apply only this time it is underpinned by me not being convinced the video is filmed in Canada (where they are from) and clearly the song is a nostalgic piece so that's just stupid.

The thing is these two songs take me back to an argument I had many years ago when the Lostprophets released Last Summer. One of my friends was arguing that the Lostprophets were corporate bastards for writing a song that was designed to cash in on the emotions of teenagers leaving their home for University. I counter argued suggesting they were merely writing a song form personal experience and it was up to the record labels as to when the song was released. This argument will clearly never be solved until I gain the ability to read minds. And when I do finally have that ability I won't be wasting it on Lostprophet based arguments. Instead I'll be finding out What women want - writing it down on a piece of paper then visiting Mel Gibson to explain how very wrong his movie was.

Anywho back to topic.
So what can we learn from Nickelback and Kid Rock's contribution to "music"? Both songs are clearly aimed at the youth pre - University cash in market, but that may be the label not the band(although it is pretty obvious that both Kid Rock and Nickelback love giant piles of money). I can also tell you for certain that - both songs contain some of the worst rhymes I have ever heard - so congratulations to both artists for that.

Also kids it is worth noting that there is no need to get nostalgic in the summer. The winter is actually the time to get nostalgic because the chances are that is when you will die. Because you'll be old and most old people die in the winter due to that year's flu.

On a cheerier note, check this video -



It appears robots have already invaded and rather than going for the Skynet evil I had heard so much about they are infact playing in a band. So that's good news for everyone worried about the robot invasion but bad news for Flight of the Conchords as they appear to have competition to their song The Humans are Dead.

Back in black

Well you'd probably thought I'd given up on this blog but you'd be wrong I was infact biding my time like a non political, non fictional Spider Jerusalem.
So there....

Anyway as you can see stuff has been changed; background colours have gone darker and pictureshave been added. Hopefully you can work out what the top two pictures mean (I plan to change them semi regularly). In the process of updating I lost the blog card which was made for me. This upset me greatly so to compensate I have added a Shenmue III placeholder - that game will exist one day - mark my words.

Another thing I'm thinking of adding on here is my own unique banner instead of the more Self Indulgent Than Myspace title so if you have any ideas send them in to the usual address (or as it is more likely you don't know where I live write in the comments section - if however you do know my address I'll accept suggestions on the back of a sealed stamped addressed envelope).

So what's been going on the world?
Well the Eurovision song contest happened. So here is my (belated) traditional Eurovision song contest rundown. The best entries (in no particular order) were Armenia, Ukraine and Greece. Here are their performances at the final:







So what have we learned?
If the UK are to stop scoring in the bottom three our entries need to feature quality drum rhythms, stupid noises and be sung by smoking hot brunettes. (Obviously I like all three of those things).

It should also be mentioned that Bosnia Herzegovina had the scariest entry.



I don't know what's going on but I think I saw something like this in a nightmare once - you know the kind of nightmare that's deeply deeply locked away in the subconscious and never spoken about for fear of re-occurring night terrors.

Daily Dilbert!? More like monthly - what a tool I've been

So my first post in a month - so what shall I do?
I could attempt something profound or I could just chuck up a load of those Dilbert cartoons that I meant to post daily and then just didn't.

Yeah that'll work....

(By the way I haven't tried to resize these comic strips so you'll have to click on one to be able to read it).

Daily Dilbert part 1

It's time to prove I'm as skilled as Alan Davis

Hello Everyone
I'm exceedingly busy so I'll have to be quick.
First of all it was the 2nd year birthday of this blog on the 18th April. An achievement I know. (that's got to be worth at least 100 gamer points (sorry that's an Xbox 360 joke)).
But in all seriousness if you do read this regularly (when I do bother updating) thanks. It is so awesome when people comment and help massage my bouncy Ollie (some fat kid when I was at school) sized ego.

Anyway Dilbert is a pretty famous cartoon in national newspapers across the world. Dilbert.com has a section where you can add the end box (or punchline) to the end of the daily updated comic strip. so for a few days I may be adding to this blog my own take on the crazy world of business (also I hope you can actually read the blurry text).
So enjoy.

This update is purely for informative purposes, normal service will resume shortly.

Youtube is running a comedy skit competition at the moment. The rules of the competition were to make a sketch that was about a roadtrip and somehow featured a musical instrument. I think the sketches were all done by amateaur members of the public (although some of them do look a little too professionally done).
So I've included the sketches which I thought were funniest on this blog.















The competition is in the semi-finals stage at the moment so members of the public (ie you) need to vote for sketches they like the most the winner gets an amount of money. Cick here or if that doesn't work www.youtube.com/sketchies2

Even if you don't vote you can always just watch these sketches just to piss some time away - and isn't that what's important here?

I think the only person this post is going to appeal to is future me, but tough.

The other day I was reading an article on Cracked.com entitled 5 Important Lessons Learned from Street Fighter 2 the article was mildly funny as per usual (I should point out there are some absolute brilliant comedy bits nestled deep in cracked.com which is why I have now added a link to this website in the sidebar).

Anyway about two thirds of the way down the article I found a picture of these guys.

These dudes are Kid n Play and they were a comedy rap duo from 1983-1993. The reason I bring them up is that they were in a cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid and it's taken me over 10 years to findout who the hell they are or were.
I won't explain the format of the cartoon but everytime I tried to explain it to anyone they told me kid was Vanilla Ice - people are such idiots.


That's the beginnning of a show and the into


That's the full song Rollin with Kid n Play

Also it must be said that Kid's hair is "off the hook".

Previously on pancake day

It seems to be the curse of the blogger that whenever they say "I'm going to update this blog more regularly" that infact what happens is they take the longest time possible to write a following update.
This has happened to yours truly and it is only now do I realise I haven't written a single update for February.... how annoying.

Still nevermind, we all have our crosses to bear and I'm sure I'll get over it.

Anyway February 5th (or Pancake day) saw Scottish band Biffy Clyro perform an impromptu acoustic gig which I was lucky enough to witness. And yes they were very good and stuff and I've included a couple of pictures for whoever it interested.







But this blog doesn't review gigs. Infact usually what happens is it complains about stuff. Which is what is about to occur:

1. The BBC are pissing licence fee money away on the TV programme Sound.
On Saturday afternoons there is this TV show called Sound which is basically the BBC trying to make a music show to engage with Teenagers. It's shite. Really shite. Nearly all the performances get interrupted with talking or they only show 30 seconds of the band playing. The Biffy Clyro acoustic gig was on Sound the following Saturday and featured only a fraction of the footage taken, (I know how much was filmed I was there in the audience having to put up with camera getting in my bloody way).
Also the male presenter Nick Grimshaw is an arsehole click here to see why you should hate him as much as I do.

2. Couples at gigs. I'm a sad bitter old man - that is a given but even when I was younger and hadn't had my heart crushed by a riotous stream of idiot bitches I hated couples at gigs. Why you ask? Because two people supposedly in love always seem to be lauding it over you - there's no hand holding, that's too subtle what we need is full on face suckering and always during the most inappropriate song.

For instance I like Glassjaw. Now I know for a fact that a load of the singers songs are about not being able to get a girlfriend due to his terrible bowel illness. It would be at a point during an "I'm so bitter, I keep pooing and can't get a girlfriend song" that the stupid couple in question would get off with each other.

So how would the singer in Glassjaw feel about that? It's just rubbing it in his face - and that is just spiteful.
So the next time you are enjoying a band with your girlfriend remember hand holding and cuddling is ok but a larger showing of affection is impudent behaviour.

Block Party

I'll start this with an apology (you wouldn't believe how often I have to say that).

I'm sorry I have not been updating this blog as regularly as I should have been, but in my defence I have been pretty busy. (Well busy in a watching movies and playing videogames kind of way).
But now I'm taking a stand and I'm going to update more regularly. (In all fairness I'm not expecting you to really care that much, but if I keep this lack of updating going you'll stop reading this blog and my ego will become hugely deflated).
So yes more regular updates.

Anyway....
Lego was 50 years old on the 28th of January and I have to say those blocks are ageing well, they don't look a day over 25, they haven't lost their shape, the sides are still firm and the nobbly bits on the top are still pert.
So to celebrate this momentous occasion I stole some videos off youtube which involve cool Lego things, so watch these and learn something:





1st did you see how quickly that elastic band gun fires? How cool is that?
2nd That level from Super Mario Brothers isn't quite correct but that must have taken ages to film, so I'll let him get away with the lack of accuracy.

The funniest thing to happen in the history of Australia

Oh yeah this is the 1st post of the New Year so Happy New Year.

So this 16 year old kid throws a party in Melbourne and 500 teenagers turn up. They all get drunk make loads of noise in the street.
The police get called, then have to retreat as the 500 teenagers throw bottles at them.
It takes 30 police, the police dog squad and a helicopter to restore calm. An estimate $20 000 (Austrailian money) worth of damage is done. But as amusing as all that is, it's this youtube video of the kid who threw the party that makes me laugh the most.



He is just such a little shit, who is clearly not sorry for anything that's happened. Still on the plus side those sun glasses are awesome.