You think you've got problems

Jayz once gave the immortal line "If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son. I've got 99 problems but the bitch ain't one - hit me."

I'm pretty sure these were his problems.

99. His house has a squeaky door.
98. There is a leaky tap in his kitchen.
97. His Ipod is broken and therefore needs a new one.
96. The TIVO is full and he hasn't watched what is on it.
95. He needs to fill out an IRS form.
94. Wants to change his ISP as the customer service on AOL is poor.
93. Windows in the house need cleaning.
92. Cars all need a wash.
91. He hasn't bought Beyonce a birthday present.
90. 1 of the spinners on his Hummer spins in the opposite direction.
89. E-mails need archiving.
88. Needs a new portable hard drive -
87. To backup laptop hard drive.
86. Shoes could do with a clean.
85. His Xbox Live subscription needs renewing.
84. Been meaning to watch Boys in the Hood again.
83. Hasn't decided when to retire next.
82. Wants to change Windows XP over to Vista.
81. Could do with a shower.
80. He's been meaning to check his ebay account as there was this jacket he quite wanted, but it was getting expensive and he just wasn't sure if he wanted it that much.
79. Wants to shave head as it's getting quite stubbly.
78. He needs to renew subscription to TIME magazine.
77. The attic needs a clear out.
76. The Sceptic tank is overflowing.
75. The chandelier needs a polish.
74. The wooden floor in the hall needs a wax.
73. The driveway needs re - tarring.
72. The dog needs shampooing.
71. The cat needs it's nails clipped.
70. The hamsters need cleaning out.
69. The towels need a wash.
68. CDs need re - alphabetising.
67. He needs to shout at Beyonce's producer for ruining a single.
66. He wants to organise a guys poker game.
65. Needs a poker set ie cards and chips.
64. Needs food for game.
63. Needs drinks for game.
62. Needs smokes for game.
61. He wants beautiful women to be serving at the game.
60. He needs clear out the garage for the poker game.
59. He hasn't brushed teeth today.
58. He hasn't loaded the dishwasher.
57. He needs to soak the pasta bake dish - which won't clean in the dishwasher.
56. Make dentist appointment.
55. Make eye test appointment.
54. Return library books.
53. Return 50 Cent's pornography.
52. Buy more memory for digital camera.
51. Member of entourage is leaving and needs a retiring present.
50. Listen to the new Linkin Park album and see if he can cash in on it.
49. Watch needs a new battery.
48. He needs to make a copy of his house keys.
47. The bins need taking out.
46. He wants to buy a new house to be shown on cribs.
45. Been meaning to phone Chester from Linkin Park.
44. He wants to brew his own beer.
43. He has been meaning to write his own memoirs.
42. He wants to become 1st Black President.
41. He still hasn't and wants to visit all 50 states.
40. The house maybe haunted so needs exorcising by a priest.
39. Worried and confused about the buttered cat paradox.
38. He wants to get the southern states to accept him as an equal.
37. He is worried about potential debt problems.
36. He has signed up to neighbourhood watch and is worried people are judging him.
35. He is panicked about global warming and his carbon footprint.
34. He has been meaning post on a fan's website forum.
33. He needs to go to the gym.
32. Wants to buy This is Where the Fight Begins by the Ghost of a Thousand.
31. He needs to set himself up as a loan shark.
30. Needs to change the lightbulb in the basement of his house.
29. Jayz needs patenting as a brand.
28. He needs to get an equity card so he can register as an actor.
27. Wants to watch all 7 Police Academy movies.
26. Needs to then watch the animated series of Police Academy.
25. Then follow that with the live action Police Academy.
24. Start religious group based on Jayz brand.
23. Sort out his own videogame (50 Cent style).
22. Build time machine to -
21. Ensure he is best rapper ever.
20. Register Jayz monopoly.
19. Setup Jayz university.
18. Contact Tupac through a medium.
17. Invest money in kids with psychic abilities.
16. Destroy the magic circle.
15. Start his own channel on cable.
14. Get HBO to make a Jayz behind the man documentary,
13. Take Beyonce to the modern art exhibition she wants to go to.
12. Invent and patent the "Jayz dance".
11. Come up with title for new album.
10. Buy some guns.
9. Put money into R&D of new medicinal drug then brand it with Jayz.
8. Get new sponsorship to receive new trainers.
7. Clone self.
6. Do the voice in an animated Disney movie.
5. Buy a monkey.
4. Build a castle.
3. Put money into R&D of life size Transformer.
2. Become a Ghostbuster.
1. Worried about death and thus wants to live forever.