Watch this please

Ed is back on Tv again.
(Channel 4 12:30pm (that's lunchtime in case I've mixed up PM and AM)).
If you have never watched I encourage you do so as it is exceedingly enjoyable and hilharious.

To try to persuade you to watch Ed I've decided to give a basic plot synopsis.

SO Plot Synopsis - There is this guy called Ed who is a top flight Lawyer. One day (seemingly at random from what I remember) he breaks up with his wife, returns to his hometown, buys a bowling alley and sets up his lawyer practice in this bowling alley (Stuckeyville bowl).
Each episode he either defends someone in a court case, tries to help a teenager, tries to win the affection of Carol Vessey (the local school teacher and head cheerleader from when he was at school) or tries to make his life better by looking at an incident in his past and improving upon it.
There's a cast of excellent sub characters (Phil who works in the bowling alley with his money making schemes, Mike the childhood friend who is a doctor, Warren Cheswick the troubled teenager, Molly the teacher who is overweight with a nice personality).

If that wasn't enough to convince you here is a breakdown of great things about Ed.

A) The theme tune is sometimes (depends on the season) "Next Year" by the Foo Fighters I like this song and thinks it's one of the only good songs on the album There is nothing left to lose.
B) Mike and Ed have bets with each on other which usually involve doing something embarrasing the bets are usually mightily bizzare.
C) Every episode has a moral and it is well implemented.
D) Ed is played by Tom Cavanagh who plays JD's brother in Scrubs.
E) Warren Cheswick is played by that guy who was the teenager in Dodgeball, the male lead in Jeepers Creepers and the Mechanic in the Herbie re make. He will forever play a teenager (just like Freddie Prinze jnr).
F) Carol Vessey is played by Julie Bowen who was a side character in Lost and one of Doctor Carter's girlfriends in ER.
G) Mike is played by this guy who was also a side character in Lost (I refered to him in Lost as Ed's mate).
H) Ed talks really quickly which is to be admired.
I) One of the side characters in the Stuckeybowl looks like John Goodman.
J) Ed got me through the summer of 2002.
K) The show lasted 83 episodes which a good amount (not too few or too many).
L) Ed ends with Ed marrying Carol Vessey so the show is completed (which doesn't happen that much on TV).
M) Ed's hometown is in Ohio and as everyone knows Ohio is the best state.
N) If you take the "T" from Stuckeyville it becomes Suckeyville this is intentional (maybe).
0) The guy who played Mike was also arrested on July 31, 2002 for allegedly smoking crack cocaine with a homeless man but charges were dropped.
P) Carol and Ed's wedding had a circus theme then halfway through the wedding they stopped (an the realisation it was a shit idea) and got married in the Stuckeyville bowl.
Q) There was a whole episode about a lucid dream Ed had after eating pickles.

I wanted to cover 26 (enough for the alphabet) great things about Ed but I ran out and started grasping at straws but don't let that put you off.
Watch Ed it breaks up the day.

Ed Stevens and Carol Vessey happiness that took just 83 episodes.

Bitesize chunks of literary goodness

It's Saturday so it's blog update time.
Usually this is where I'd tell you about something I've noticed or something I've deemed exciting. However this week has been dull, very very dull.

So rather than disappoint my future self (I'm the only one who reads these things or will re read these things). I'll do a series of small updates.

Ben Affleck - a man
Why is it he annoys me so? He mocks himself in real life (ok cinema - Kevin Smith films) but yet he makes me shout and rant. Please tell me why is he such a cock?

Buffy The Vampire Slayer - My Summer
In a month I've watched 3 seasons of Buffy and now I'm starting the 4th (the one where it gets a bit shit and they go to university). I'm a bit disappointed though that in my 1st year of uni I was not chased around and called a freshman. (Though I would've been if I'd joined a sports team (actually glad I chose videogames over being macho and sociable) ). Also there's never a mention of a university in Sunnydale before they have to choose a university - which is bizarre because it's a big area you would have thought Buffy would patrol there regularly.

Totally Frank - The blonde one
Have you seen this show? It's realy really shite. I'm not even gonna explain it just trust me really not very good. However I'm quite attracted to the blonde one (at least I would be if she didn't have such a horrible voice).
I can't get the link working for one of their videos where they are all burlesque dancers but if you go to
http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/T/totally_frank/video.html
then click on "Turn it up" Pop Version aka bad song great video.

Insert male sexist comment here (_______________)


Lostprophets - They finally reach the bigtime
Their new album has been reviewed in the Times which officially means they are recognised as a band by the general public. It scored 3/5 and the best song on it (obviously according to the reviewer) is Everybody's screaming. The reviewer is wrong.

Top of the pops - Cancelled

Pop Justice wrote: "This is partly a good thing because it is currently shit and none of the people you'll read a-blubbin' in tomorrow's press have actually watched it once in the last four years.But it is mostly a bad thing because - unlike Smash Hits - it could have been turned around. It wouldn't have been easy, but it was possible".

That sums up exactly how I feel but they put it more eloquently than I could. Oh and whoose fault it is for TOTP becoming shit it's Andi Peters for producing it and saying one line in Toy Story 2.

It's all your fault Peters and I can tell by your smile and the fact you jumped ship before the SS TOTP hit its iceberg of cancellation that you just don't care.

ANDI WHY WON'T YOU CARE!?

I don't find them attractive I just find them confusing

"Don't you wish your grilfriend was hot like me?" is not really a question many women ask me.

For a start I don't have a girlfriend which kind of makes the question irrelevant and more importantly I'd counter argue that in asking that question you probably have self esteem issues (you pretend to the world you're hot, but inside you're crying because you were the fat kid bullied at school) and I'm not interested as have enough issues of my own.

Anywho the ladies who came up with this question in the first place (or at least made it popular) are the Pussycat dolls. The thing is I recently realised than unlike most girl groups I haven't seen them interviewed or talking about themselves or decided whether they are attractive or not. (I know I mixed tenses there but if they are hot they will still be hot (present/future) but they were interviewed (past) - do you see?)
They only concrete thing I know about them is they used to be burlesque dancers. So I went and did a quick bit of research - I present my findings here.

Question 1: Do they have separate names?
Answer: Yes

Question 2: Please can you please tell me their names?
Answer: Only if you do a comical dance.

.......Actually screw that I'll do things seriously(ish) . Here are names and a brief description of each of them.

Nicole Scherzinger - Lead singer aka the mouthy one.
Carmit Bachar - Red head aka the ginger blokey one.
Ashley Roberts - One of the blondes aka the one who fades into the background.
Jessica Sutta - Brown haired one aka is she attractive?
Melody Thornton - The dark one aka the dark one
Kimberly Wyatt - One of the blondes aka the one with the "rock chick" look.

You can't actually find that much written about them individually (even the bio on their website talks about them as a group). They all seemingly want to be actresses or singers. So this leads me to ask the question are they a group entity? I think the answer is yes - basically whats happened is at school they were regarded as attractive so switched off their brains (they figured they could get away with just beauty) and now they rely on a group conscious state to answer questions and stay alive that's why they are all vaguely similar (socially), regarded as a group and have the same ambitions it would also explain why they do few interviews and why only one of them actually sings.

Anyway that was a side issue you don't want the Pussycat dolls for smarts. But the question remains are they actually hot - usually the video is so quick edited you only get quick shots of most of the girls (excluding the singer she gets the main focus) in the single "Buttons" they did look hot but that was the lighting they were using (I could tell even the ginger one looked alright and in real life (regularly lit TV) she is a skank).
Anyway I'm not gonna give any evidence of this but I've flicked through the internet and they are all vaguely attractive (except the red head one) and they sure can dance so yeah the Pussycat dolls are alright in not very clever, kind of attractive (sometimes), no dinner conversation kind of way.

I do like the way all their songs have a moment in where they do a sexy dance - in truth this is the one time where I would like Life to imitate Art I think it would be cool to have a moment everyday where suddenly music plays out of nowhere I'm there/hot girls turn up and we all do a sexy dance that would break the day up nicely.

And just as a quick fact they occasionally have had guests performing with them (actually as a Pusseycat doll) these include Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilera and Rachel Sterling (not that famous but uber hot).

Oh just to answer the Pussycat dolls lead question "Don't you wish you're girlfriend was hot like me?" Not really I need someone with dinner conversation.

Two completely unrelated topics

Rather than write two separate updates I've decided to write one update on two topics that have nothing in common with each other - maybe along the way they will link up or maybe not.

Anyway on with "the show"

Russell Brand seems to be all over the place at the moment (mainly in Magazines of Sunday newspapers) because apparently he's the cool new funny guy (now that he's been seen with Kate Moss).
But I just don't see why he's so popular or that quirky charmingness he is supposed to contain.
He's not that funny though I do admit he occasionally makes me laugh but that's more due to the output of words. (Pure probability states he will eventually put words together that make you laugh)
His retro stylings and "dark past" are a modern day cliche.
He has a really annoying voice.
Oh and he presents Big Brother's big mouth (which I've already told you) makes me furious.



Russell Brand I just don't like him.


Now onto bigger and better things. Actually scrap that make it more annoyingly retarded things.
I finally witnessed Resident Evil: Apocalypse
My god that film was a giant pile of asses. And not warm asses either big freezing cold asses (actually I don't know which would be worse - dammit why did you confuse me by bringing up asses). The point is Resident Evil: Apocalypse may be worse than the uninspired 1st attempt and heres a list of why.

1. It seemed to me like there was hardly any dialogue which led to a poor explaining of what was going on.
2. The whole thing contained a helleva lot of gun porn.
3. It wasn't tense.
4. It wasn't scary.
5. The fight scenes were poor, there weren't many scenes with hordes of zombies infact it just seemed like a whole load of scenes which were a big bunch of nothing.
6. It had a bollacks cliff hanger ending.
7. It was like an interpretation of Resident Evil 3 (the videogame) but where someone had taken out the interesting set pieces and swapped them with their own that they came up with 5 minutes before each scene. Then they took out all the dialogue which explained the story and replaced it with a wasteland of nothing.
8. The end song on the credits was Killswitch Engage "The End of Heartache" which just seemed to have nothing to do with anything.

So as a summary it was badly made, uninteresting, un intense, not scary, completely unengaging and worse than the 1st one. But don't worry they're making two more which gives plenty of time to get it right - or they could knock out two cheaper paler imitations - which do you think it will be? Answers on a postcard (or sealed envelope) to the usual address.

On a lighter note the girl who played Jill Valentine was hot.



The thing is I know it was in keeping with the videogame but that blue top is digustingly impractical - if you ever go fighting zombies take a jumper with zip up pockets to keep ammo, herbs and keys to obtuse puzzles in in then you won't have to visit chests so often.

Facts about Cents

Did you know when you are going out with/close to/dancing with members of the opposite sex you secrete more pheromones which makes you more attractive to them. So for example if you were a guy dancing closely with a girl you would give out more pheromones and other girls may take notice of you.

50 Cent knows this and thinks he understands it.

Mr Cent (or Fiddy as his loyal followers know him) can be seen in many of his music videos surrounded by beautiful women - usually in his rap he explains to us (the viewer) how he has had repeated intercourse with all these so called "stunning hotties."
It's at this point in his rap I usually raise an eyebrow.

You see I don't think he has. Mr Cent may be exceedingly rich and have what I would call a passe gangsta rap career but he boasts so much about all the women he has had I think he is overcompensating. But the question is overcompensating for what or why?

I think the answer lies in my opening statement - I believe Mr Cent wants to score a lot of "poon" becuase he hasn't had the time before (he was too busy building a rapping career to be interested in girls.) So what he has done in these videos is to surround himself with girls and talk big to try to encourage more girls to "get with him." Unfortuantely he hasn't taken into account our televisions not being smellevisions so no ladies are recieving his pheromones.

Either that or Mr Cent is a bit of a Robbie Williams.




Ladies and Gentlemen -> 50 cent a proverbial Bell-End.

Scenesters an update-me-do

I was going to leave doing anymore updates for tonight but then I remembered I had some more to say about scenesters.

I think the now agreed definition for a scenester is someone who: Hears about a band, buys their latest album then goes up to you pretending they've been into said band for ages and says "Have you heard of this band?" in a smug and inquisitive tone.

See the thing that started me off again on the whole scenester issue is I recently read that Taking Back Sunday said "they didn't like being called emo as it was a ridiculous and meaningless term." This bothers me.

TBS are one of the most emo bands I know going on the facts they were signed to Victory Records (a label where all so called emo bands go to) and they play (considering this is my definition of emo (with the help of pandora.com)) modern power chord based rock with interweaving vocal harmony heavy rhythm and lead guitar and emotional lead voice.

So do they not like the definition of emo because:
A) They think they're "above" genre definition this really winds me up. I hate it when bands say something along the lines of "we're beyond any genre" this doesn't happen with film. No-one says my film doesn't fall into any genre category infact it's completely beyond identification. They don't say it as it would be untrue and quite idiotic. Most films (music too) would be cross genre and I don't see what the big issue with being part of a genre is it's just another way of grouping similar things together.

or

B) They don't want to be seen as emo because there is a whole group of scenester kids who walk around saying "We're emo and cool look at me I'm so depressed." Then everyone else goes "you're an idiot piss off."

Personally I think TBS comment of "we're not emo" extends from the fact they don't want to be seen as leading these scenesters. This is a sad day for music when you're not even willing to be seen as part of a genre you are in.

So in conclusion scenesters make TBS cry.

Oh yeah on a side note TBS have lost quite a lot of members over the years. (Singer, Guitarist, Drummer and two Bass players) thats enough for a whole band with one left over. I don't think they're very happy.

Hollyoaks an exciting show for young people

The thing is Hollyoaks is great.
I mean you know you've found a good show when all the people in it are attractive and no-one can act. That is a sign of realism.
Also if you don't watch it for weeks then come back to it you know exactly what has happened even though all the characters have changed.
And you see that is another reason why Hollyoaks is great - actor turnover - I would absolutely love to have a look through the Hollyoaks financial records and see how many actors they've had on their books. People just seem to be chucked in that show and then written out in a bizzare manner. (I could give an example but I don't want to).

Also I've got a couple of mates from Chester who inform me its exactly like Hollyoaks - yet again proving its realism.

Actually I'm joking Hollyoaks is undescribeably inefficent as an exciting and original drama, however it is a good source of E-list celebrity.

I say "Bring back Heartbreak high now that was entertainment"



See here's Jodi Albert of Hollyoaks fame.

Just remember kids good things come to those who wait - if you wait long enough she'll be an even more washed up failure and then you can pick her up with your caring attitude and money - that's how love works.

A musical update

The music festival season officially starts this weekend (supposedly).
So I thought I'd celebrate this with some nice musical information.

(In all honesty I'm just passing information (to you) which you could quite happily find yourself but you'd have to sift through a lot of crap to find it - that's the beauty of the internet - the majority of it is crap).

Anyway there is this dreadful Norwegian boy band called BWY they look like this:

There name stands for Black White Yellow - how I laughed.
And just in case you are interested in them (why?) their website is
http://www.bwy.no/site_index_en.html

(Can't be bothered with a hyperlink for them just copy paste like the poor person you are).

Next more Norwegian music news I've read that this could be a bit of a summer anthem and as I've never been one of the "cool" kids I'd like to be part of a pop music craze.
So check this song out http://www.myspace.com/superjupitermusic

Maybe if you'll listen to it enough you'll like it - I just don't know.

Finally when it comes to Eurovision "Regionalism in the contest is a memetic epidemic" if you click http://jasss.soc.surrey.ac.uk/9/2/1.html you will see these amazing findings (complete with Venn diagrams and everything).

The thing is these results come from The Journal of Artificial Societies and Social Simulation which is hosted (and I assume researched) by the University of Surrey. So I think somehow I've helped in their research just by living in Surrey (my existence here has influenced them).

How I met your very average sitcom

There is this American sitcom that has started recently called How I Met Your Mother. And the thing is I really want to like it - but I can't because it is absolute shite.
I mean it's not Everbody loves Raymond (ironic title as everyone I speak to seems to hate the guy) bad but it is still pretty piss poor.

I mean there's alot of stuff about How I Met Your Mother that falls in its favour
A) An interesting premise (a guy in the future is telling his kids how he met their mother then each episode (in our present) he tries it on with a girl and fails miserably).
B) The lead guy Ted is a confused but excellent man some what similar to JD from Scrubs.
C) Alyson Hannigan (the nerds favourite thanks to Buffy) is in it (I met her she truly is funny and fit).
D) It has scored highly on TV.com somewhere in the 9.0 region

But I just can't seem to find it amusing. The jokes are obvious the situations themselves un- funny. Occasionally I think that would've been good if they'd written that differently and once I laughed pre emptively thinking there was going to be a hilhaious line that never materialised.

So you've probably read this and thought I'm never going to watch it again - you sir (or madam no sexism here) are grossly mistaken I'm going to watch this show until I find something funny in it. I've re read all the plus points I wrote about this show and I am convinced there is some hidden humour/message in it that I haven't seen - how else would it have scored 9.0 on tv.com?


(above) See this is the shows main publicity photo



(above) In this one they want to be the new "Friends." Well they can't as the scripts aren't funny enough and they haven't been on long enough for one of them to develop a hilharious ballooning weight /cough medicine addiction problem like Matthew Perry had.



(above) This unfortunately is not a publicity photo. This is a shot of the lovely (unfortunately married) Alyson Hannigan which I show you to remind you that everything has a plus point.

The Academy Awards

I saw the last 20 minutes of Police Academy the other night.
This event got me remembering that every single Police Academy is good in its own individual way.
Be it Police Academy 3: Back in Training with a biker with a hilharious voice to Police Academy: Mission to Moscow being so awful it's funny.

(It's at this point I'll tell you the truth I've only seen Police Academy 1,3,4 and 7 but thats over half so I feel I can give a full judgement).

Anyway 7 Police Academy films thats a lot of sequels, six in fact and I'm sure like me you are just as curious to know the whole list.

Police Academy
Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
Police Academy 3: Back in Training
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow

Notice No.5 has two colons in the title I'm not sure that's a legal English manoeuvre. Also No.7 has dropped the number, dunno why that is. Perhaps to stop people going "well there are 6 other not very good prequels on video lets not go see the 7th in the cinema."

Anyway the other thing that bothers me is who decided to pitch six sequels to Police Academy (obviously one at a time not all together). Then which crazy studio thought that making six sequels to Police Academy was a great idea? Oh the 80s what a forward thinking time for popular cinema.


Oh and just so you know I've read that an 8th Police Academy will be out in 2007, yet again proving that people in power don't learn from their predecessors mistakes.

Betty Curse a review of sorts

So I seem to have read a lot about Betty Curse recently.
(Can't remember where exactly but definitely in the dreadful publication that is Rock Sound).
Anyway the girl looked kinda hot (shes 19 so its ok) I was bored and curious so I went for a quick look on myspace.

(Just in case you don't know who Betty Curse is she dresses like a goth has a musical career and apparently has got a big fan base thanks to myspace).

So yeah I went to investigate her music. (Well that was the excuse I told myself) in truth I'd hoped I'd discovered a new Michelle Branch.

But no alas Betty Curse wasn't it. There was no acoustic guitar and sure the lyrics were depressing but not in the subtle way that I recall of Michelle Branch's earlier works. So there I was without a Michelle Branch alike.

However.....

On listening to her Rock Sound famed single "Excuse all the blood" I realised it sounded like that really quite shit one hit wonder band Shampoo! Remember them? They did a song to the 1st PowerRanger Movie then got famous in Japan.

The question is need I say anymore? Actually think I about covered it.