The Triforce Paradigm

A fair few weeks ago I saw some TV show about kids getting Asbos.
I've no recollection of what the show was.
Infact I've so little recollection and the memory seems so hazy it may even have been a dream.

Anyway the point is the show (or dream) told me that the reason kids are getting so many Asbos or getting into so much trouble is because they don't have any role models. Or if they do have role models they are trashy celebrities found in Heat magazine (Girls Aloud not withstanding in my opinion).

This got me thinking maybe the reason I'm such a rounded human being is because of the celebrities I perceive to be my role models. Strong male role models who have helped shape my moral outlook on life.

Lets take a look:

1. Sean Connery

A man who commands respect. Not only does he always steal scenes in a movie (The Rock and Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade being the best examples) but he was also Mr Universe which surely makes him king of the universe. Also he fights for Scottish Independence even though he lives in Barbados and no one questions this (because he'd punch them in the face). And he'd have your Dad in fight when infact Connery is an old man.

2. Christian Bale

Nearly every movie he does is a new breed of amazing. Plus he made a film (the Prestige) where magicians didn't look like absolute idiots. And he helped resurrect the Batman movies from being unwatchable messes (Forever and Robin) into the best comic book movie adaptations ever.

3. Optimus Prime

He's just so damn righteous and with an inbuilt respect for humanity. This can only be bettered by the fact he is a robot that turns into a lorry.

Now on it's own that information is interesting but not particularly useful. I mean surely everyone already knew this; Connery, Bale and Prime are exceedingly good role models. But if we take this data and try to pictorially display it (by putting it on the Triforce).

We now see that Connery becomes Power (because he is King of the Universe).
Bale is wisdom (he has the foresight to choose amazing films - or makes films amazing either way wisdom).
And Prime is courage (he preaches to the other Autobots about not killing humans even when it would make his goals of stopping the Decepticons easier).

So what's the moral of all this I here you ask, is it that the role models kids should have today to stop their destructive behaviour should balance power, wisdom and courage?

Nope the moral is kids should be made to play the Legend of Zelda because then they wouldn't be on the streets playing near my damn bins.

The key to sellling your product

So yer I haven't written on here in ages which I do apologise for.
However I don't apologise for how short and lame this post is going to be - that you'll have to put with.

Basically lifestyle product photography is shit and if you click here you'll see why.

You should really click that link and read that whole post because it is amazingly funny and sums up what's wrong with Lifestyle Photography in a much more precise way than I ever could.

Go on trust me, have I ever led you wrong before?

Arnie in Japan

Yes I know I've been neglecting this blog but a combination of nothing very interesting happening coupled with being kinda busy has led to a lack of updates.
Anyway a few people have said they enjoyed Arnie's adventures in Brazil so in the spirit of pleasing them I've added these Arnie japanese adverts - check them out they're mad.







It's just like Mr Sparkle well hopefully that'll tie you over until I come up with something interesting.

You're sick and twisted misses

Look at this photo



That was once a dog, now it's inhumanely been made to look like Leonardo the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you look into it's eyes I'm pretty sure you can see that it wants to die - still at least it raised a chuckle.

" Sierra? Sierra? "

Hello everyone.
I haven't written on here in a while due to nothing interesting happening. As per usual things have been a little dull.
Anywho I was lucky enough to be shown (by one of my friends) this incredible Arnie video.


I won't analyse the whole thing but pay close attention to Arnie trying to say cheers to that lady (in her native tongue) and later grabbing a lot of ladies arses - quite clearly without their permission.

Also just incase this blog ever becomes a piece of influential academic reference material in regard to the media; Ian Hislop Arnie is not the worst actor ever he was in Terminator 2 - a highly regarded classic (he was also in Total Recall, Predator, Terminator and True Lies, not definitives masterpieces of cinema but very good none the less). So there.

Also does anyone know what's happened to the website stupidfuckingcustomer@blogspot.com I miss its very existence.

How to make yourself look cooler than you actually are

Because I'm cool I play guitar.....

Actually scrap that, because I wanted to be cool/ and I liked At the Drive In/ and I wanted to write silly songs I learned to play guitar.

So anyway my 1st guitar was in a bit of a state (the electronics needed repairing, the paint at the bottom was chipped

and more importantly (due to my younger self attempting to customise it without the correct tools - damn you past me) the overall paint job was a bit screwed).

Well recently I was introduced to this bloke who happens to be mildly artly talented and customises guitars. So I've handed him my 1st guitar with the hope that he could fix up this visual disgrace and then assuming he did a good job I would pay him some money.

So here are the preliminary photos of what he has done (also note this is obviously not finished).





No your eyes do not decieve you that is indeed an unfinished Optimus Prime standing on my guitar, waiting for some sort of Decepticons invasion. I think it looks really cool and assuming all goes according to plan this should finish as an exemplary piece of awesome.

Also if you want something painting you can check out this guys work at: http://www.myspace.com/carillioncustom

Nuts TV update: Big Cook Little Cock

Well Nuts TV stoops to a new level by being presented by the bloke who plays little cook in Big Cook Little Cook.


As you can see in this photo he is flying on a broomstick.

I think the picture is pretty self explanatory on why that man is a fool. But my inner anger also comes from the fact he did a TV show for BBC 3 where he kept complaining on how having ginger hair was impeding his getting with girls.

What actually was impeding this girl related action was starring in big cook little cook, and being a tool.

Still on a lighter note Nuts TV was talking about broadsheet newspapers today so at least it was teaching people something which as you can see is funny.

The day that TV went wrong

Originally this update was going to be a list of TV shows that got canceled and how it was an actual disgrace. But now I have a televisual event that's even worse than all the shows I love getting thrown into the great rubbish bin of stuff I care about.

So last Wednesday Nuts TV began.

For all those who don't know Nuts is a lad mag, not just a lad mag probably the lowest common denominator lad mag that exists. Full of tales of how the editors get pissed up everynight and hang out with pretend lesbian glamour models. (Not that I don't like half naked girls or jokes and other such things but it's just so poorly handled, once I read an issue on a train journey and I was just so bored).

Anyway they've taken the Nuts format and turned it into a TV channel on Freeview. It runs from 9pm til 1am and it's so crap. Ball achingly crap infact.
It's presented so badly and it's so unfunny.
And then it ends with this:



It's Lucy Pinder reading Shakespeare.
Now I like Lucy Pinder she is hot. But that beautiful shell of a woman houses the most hideous voice and sorry to be so middle class (I'm not sorry) but her Shakespeare pronunciation is well off.
Disgusting.

On the plus side at least Nuts the magazine has made FHM look like a classier lads mag with better photo skill and funnier humour.

The crazy world of comedy

A couple of weeks ago I saw Knocked Up at the cinema.
I have to say I enjoyed it. Actually I really enjoyed it.
It wasn't the funniest comedy I'd ever seen, it just had this weird sense of realism, some of the scenes you could actually imagine happening (or at least being vaguely similar in real life). Also the humour swung from stoner, gross out stuff to observational comedy.
The final thing that really did it for me was seeing a load of actors from Judd Apatow's (the directors) previous work (Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared and the 40 year old virgin) in new roles, it was an entertaining case of recognise the cameo.
So in conclusion Knocked Up = good times.

A couple of days before that I saw Evan Almighty.
It was shite.
I had heard as much but I was hoping that Steve Carell could still make it amusing to me. The problem with that movie turned out not to be the cast or the ridiculous but hilarious premise but the fact the writers had forgotten to put any jokes in. How do you make a comedy without jokes? I dunno, maybe this was originally intentioned as a documentary, possibly? Yer that's right a documentary about a senator becoming the reincarnation of Noah.
Anyway the only thing I drew from this film is that Morgan Freeman would make an excellent God.

Finally the IT Crowd has been on Channel 4 for a few weeks now and so far this second series has been really funny (even though they did kill of Chris Morris who is a bit of a legend). I fully recommend you watch the next few episodes or get hold of them on 4OD.
Just so you know what to expect I'll tell you that tonights episode covered those crappy piracy info-ads, German cannibals and the smoking ban now making smokers feel like persecuted Russians under a communist dictators regime, well I thought it was funny even if you don't.

You never get remixes like this for songs from the UK.

This absolutely proves to me that Avril Lavigne is cool.



Now which is the emoticon for knowing cynicism or irony?

The curse of Thandie Newton

Hey everyone how have you been?
You've probably noticed I haven't updated this in weeks, that's because I haven't had anything to say - you see nothing interesting has happened it's all been very boring.

That was until today when I went to the cinema, where (as well as seeing a film) I also saw a trailer for Simon Pegg's new movie Run Fat Boy Run.
Now I find Simon Pegg a funny guy. I also find Dylan Moran who he is co starring with a funny guy. But the trailer looked remarkably unfunny and I couldn't work out what could ruin the comedic combination of Pegg and Moran.


And then I saw it - Thandie Newton.

Now I'm not saying that Thandie Newton is a terrible actress who can't act in films - that's just mean - I'm just saying any film she is in becomes crap. She is like the albatross from the Rime (spelt correctly) of the Ancient Mariner (you shoot her with a camera (not crossbow) and immediately your film becomes cursed).

Anyway enough of that let's look at the body of evidence to back up my theory (please bear in mind I'm only using films I've actually seen).

2006 The Pursuit of Happyness - Will Smith plays on human emotions and tries to win an Oscar.

2005/2004 ER - Yes that's right she starred in the TV show ER, infact she conveniently appeared opposite Dr Carter just as ER started to go downhill, coincidence?

2004 Crash - A film about how racism is bad and effects many different classes of society in everyday situations - Holy Shit really? I thought racism only occurred in prison on the feast of Scotchtoberfest.

2004 The Chronicles of Riddick - Pitch Black was good this was really bad, but in all fairness that was probably also down to Vin Diesel being self indulgent.

2000 Mission Impossible 2 - 1 and 3 are actually rather good. This movie is overly simplistic and clearly built around a poxy motorcycle chase, it's best described as mucky.

1994 Interview with a vampire - This didn't suck, but that's probably because the combined efforts of Brad Pitt, Christian Slater and Tom Cruise kept it afloat. Yes even Antonio Banderas half arsed acting can't ruin this.

So there we have it that's my theory. Now for once I'm not absolutely certain in my convictions instead I ask you the question:

Thandie Newton albatross of cinema or some random actress?

I stole this from popjustice.com

This is the Girl Aloud press release for their greatest hits.



It is probably one of the greatest contemporary things I have ever ever read. And supposedly it was written by Nicola (the ginger one). SO with this in mind I hereby declare this: Nicola Roberts I've always found you attractive (even though my friends claimed you looked sickly and had a fish head) but I figured we were mentally incompatible. If you did indeed write that press release we are in fact very compatible and I will actually marry you - FACT.

(Disclaimer: If on the other hand someone from the marketing department wrote that, then congratulations you have smashed the delicate illusion I envisaged around Girls Aloud and I'll never trust a televisual manufactured pop band again - ever).

Uber quick update

A) Transformers was great - an over solid 8/10 - yer it was flawed but it was really cool and visually arresting, so go see it. Oh and even if you hate the cheesey bits you'll have to admit that special effects wise it's spectacular.
B) The Simpsons movie was well plotted but just not as funny as it should have been 6/10.
C) Kate Nash' single Foundations must be absolutely blindingly brilliant as pretty much every person I've spoken to loves it (even some of my metal head friends) so well done her 8/10.
D) Turns out Waitrose Tropical fruit juice is an excellent Um Bongo substitute (it tastes exactly the same) so thus the problem was solved.

That is all.

Robot Week: The Killer 7th

Robot No.7 HK47



When George Lucas invented Star Wars all those years ago he probably didn't realise that A) Droids would be on the light and dark side of the force and B) Star Wars videogames would get so shit and find so little inspiration from the prequels they were supposed to tie in with that the best Star Wars game in years would be completely removed from the original world Lucas envisaged.

Anyway droid HK47 is a droid on the Dark side of the force who regards humans as meat bags and is a little head mental. (I'd quote it but I can' remember of the funny key lines). The point is HK47 is not humanities last hope just a random orange psycho.

Strengths: The Dark side is strong in this one.
Weaknesses: The Dark side is strong in this one.
Stuff it's been in that's great: Knights of the old Republic I and II

Robot Week: 666

This robot may not have as many weapons as Metal Gear but is still pretty terrifying. It also has less of a sense of moral decency than Bender.

Robot No.6 Paris Hilton


I'm pretty convinced Paris Hilton is a robot it would explain a lot. Like why she is so dead behind the eyes or what her actual function is in life.
Obviously being a robot is not an actual function in life, but being a sex-bot is.
I'm not one for conspiracy theories but I'm pretty sure Paris Sex-bot Hilton was sent in by some minor foreign nation to infiltrate the USA's social "elite". She was programmed to get in the pants of these tycoons young male offspring and thus manipulate (son to father to government) benefits for this foreign nation.

Strengths: She can manipulate the financially strong and mentally weak.
Weaknesses: Like Bender Paris gets her energy from alcohol.
Stuff she's been great in: Uh nothing counts as a choice, maybe.

Robot Week: 5

Robot No.5 EVA 01



It's huge, purple and green and humanities only hope (that's definitely a pattern in robots).

Strengths: It has a sonic knife for stabbing, access to giant automatic weaponry and something called an AT field which is basically a massive inbuilt shield. Also once it regenerated a limb.
Weaknesses: Although it has a battery to power it this only lasts 5 minutes, to be fully functional the Evangelion has to be plugged into the mains.
Stuff it's been in that's great: Neon Genesis Evangelion a morality tale about modern society and big robots.

Robot Week: Part 4

Moving away from the Robots in videogames thing.

Robot No.4 Bender



He's a smoking, drinking, swearing, stealing, manipulating machine that has a desire to kill all humans. But yet he does have a bizarre personal sense of moral decency.

Strengths: He can bend stuff.
Weaknesses: Alcohol provides him with the strength to work.
Stuff he's been in that's great: Futurama - probably my favourite animated comedy show. Yes I prefer it to the Simpsons it's a load of the jokes about videogames and Tron and the 80s and The Beastie Boys, it's as if Matt Groening made a show specifically for me.

Robot Week: Threes

I just posted the Probotector bit and realised due to the time I was one post down. So here we go again:

Robot No.3 Metal Gear



In the future we'll all have one of these to drive to work.

This is what Metal Gear Rex looks like in Lego form - you can see more of this guys work here


The little known Metal Gear Gander. Sorry I'm going on about this but I just think robots are neat.

(By the way: I don't know if the very definition of a robot means artificial intelligence is involved and as I'm too lazy to find out I'll just pretend it doesn't).

Metal Gear is a great big walking tank, that likes to shoot things. There are many different versions/iterations but the important things to note are A) It's bigger than you B) It has more weapons than you and C) It can't think for itself, but it probably does hate you.

Strengths: Lots of weapons (rail gun, laser, mini gun, missiles and Nuclear capable) and some form of quality radar system, Metal Gear Ray can swim.
Weaknesses: Requires someone to operate it (so may not technically be a robot). A single man with a rocket launcher can destroy it if he knows wear to shoot it. Also I'm not sure it's legs are that stable.
Stuff it's been in that's great: I very much recommend Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation (or Gamecube remake) and Metal Gear Solid on the Game boy Advance.

Robot Week: Part Deux

Robot No. 2 Probotector


The 2 gun approach is the way to help rebuild a post apocalyptic future.

America had Contra - a videogame series where a Rambo type bloke and a Schwarzenegger in Predator type bloke shot robots and aliens in the face. When it came to a European release (possibly because Germany had very strict videogame laws) Konami changed all the graphics of the Rambo guys (and some of them more human looking enemies) into Robots. So Rambo and Predator guy became robots called Probotectors and unsurprisingly they are humanities last hope in an Alien War (well at least in no.3 which is the best one).

Strengths: Probotectors carry two guns which have different firing and ammo modes depending on the power up collected. They also seem to be able to pull off excellent ending poses at the end of each mission.
Weaknesses: They get hit once and they die. If you were building humanities last hope would you really make them so on the cheap?
Stuff they've been in that's great: Probotector 1,2 on the NES and Super Probotector: Alien Rebels (or Probotector 3) on the SNES.

And so Robot Week begins

In celebration of the Transformers movie being in cinemas from Friday the 27th I have deemed this week robot week. Now this means I'll be writing a feature on a robot each day (if I can remember) for at least a week.

Now many of you have probably thought why don't you start this epic robot related extravaganza on Friday and then do it up to the day the Transformers movie is officially released. The answer is twofold: 1. I'm away for some of next week. 2. Previews for "possibly the best Michael Bay film ever" start next Tuesday.

Robot No.1 Astro boy/Megaman



Put a shirt on you'll catch a virus.


You'd be happy to if you were blue like that.

These two little guys count as one choice because it is obvious they are infact the same robot. It's just one was created in the 50s then the other one ripped off the one from the 50s in the 80s.

Strengths: Astroboy can fly, Megaman is Blue. Both have a gun in their arm. Megaman has a cool theme tune.
Weaknesses: Astroboy is plagued by weird men (that's what happens when you're a child and don't wear a shirt, and do wear shorts), Megaman relies too much on his dog.

Stuff they've been in that's great: The Astro boy TV series from 2004. Any show that features a line (that ws something like) "that robot ate the Rollercoaster and the Super Safari ride, by this time tomorrow the town will be flooded with unemployed hippobots" deserves a mention.
Megaman games are selectively good, I personally enjoy Megaman 2 , 7 and X (that's an X not a 10, there has never been a Megman 10.)