Daily Dilbert!? More like monthly - what a tool I've been

So my first post in a month - so what shall I do?
I could attempt something profound or I could just chuck up a load of those Dilbert cartoons that I meant to post daily and then just didn't.

Yeah that'll work....

(By the way I haven't tried to resize these comic strips so you'll have to click on one to be able to read it).

Daily Dilbert part 1

It's time to prove I'm as skilled as Alan Davis

Hello Everyone
I'm exceedingly busy so I'll have to be quick.
First of all it was the 2nd year birthday of this blog on the 18th April. An achievement I know. (that's got to be worth at least 100 gamer points (sorry that's an Xbox 360 joke)).
But in all seriousness if you do read this regularly (when I do bother updating) thanks. It is so awesome when people comment and help massage my bouncy Ollie (some fat kid when I was at school) sized ego.

Anyway Dilbert is a pretty famous cartoon in national newspapers across the world. Dilbert.com has a section where you can add the end box (or punchline) to the end of the daily updated comic strip. so for a few days I may be adding to this blog my own take on the crazy world of business (also I hope you can actually read the blurry text).
So enjoy.

This update is purely for informative purposes, normal service will resume shortly.

Youtube is running a comedy skit competition at the moment. The rules of the competition were to make a sketch that was about a roadtrip and somehow featured a musical instrument. I think the sketches were all done by amateaur members of the public (although some of them do look a little too professionally done).
So I've included the sketches which I thought were funniest on this blog.















The competition is in the semi-finals stage at the moment so members of the public (ie you) need to vote for sketches they like the most the winner gets an amount of money. Cick here or if that doesn't work www.youtube.com/sketchies2

Even if you don't vote you can always just watch these sketches just to piss some time away - and isn't that what's important here?

I think the only person this post is going to appeal to is future me, but tough.

The other day I was reading an article on Cracked.com entitled 5 Important Lessons Learned from Street Fighter 2 the article was mildly funny as per usual (I should point out there are some absolute brilliant comedy bits nestled deep in cracked.com which is why I have now added a link to this website in the sidebar).

Anyway about two thirds of the way down the article I found a picture of these guys.

These dudes are Kid n Play and they were a comedy rap duo from 1983-1993. The reason I bring them up is that they were in a cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid and it's taken me over 10 years to findout who the hell they are or were.
I won't explain the format of the cartoon but everytime I tried to explain it to anyone they told me kid was Vanilla Ice - people are such idiots.


That's the beginnning of a show and the into


That's the full song Rollin with Kid n Play

Also it must be said that Kid's hair is "off the hook".

Previously on pancake day

It seems to be the curse of the blogger that whenever they say "I'm going to update this blog more regularly" that infact what happens is they take the longest time possible to write a following update.
This has happened to yours truly and it is only now do I realise I haven't written a single update for February.... how annoying.

Still nevermind, we all have our crosses to bear and I'm sure I'll get over it.

Anyway February 5th (or Pancake day) saw Scottish band Biffy Clyro perform an impromptu acoustic gig which I was lucky enough to witness. And yes they were very good and stuff and I've included a couple of pictures for whoever it interested.







But this blog doesn't review gigs. Infact usually what happens is it complains about stuff. Which is what is about to occur:

1. The BBC are pissing licence fee money away on the TV programme Sound.
On Saturday afternoons there is this TV show called Sound which is basically the BBC trying to make a music show to engage with Teenagers. It's shite. Really shite. Nearly all the performances get interrupted with talking or they only show 30 seconds of the band playing. The Biffy Clyro acoustic gig was on Sound the following Saturday and featured only a fraction of the footage taken, (I know how much was filmed I was there in the audience having to put up with camera getting in my bloody way).
Also the male presenter Nick Grimshaw is an arsehole click here to see why you should hate him as much as I do.

2. Couples at gigs. I'm a sad bitter old man - that is a given but even when I was younger and hadn't had my heart crushed by a riotous stream of idiot bitches I hated couples at gigs. Why you ask? Because two people supposedly in love always seem to be lauding it over you - there's no hand holding, that's too subtle what we need is full on face suckering and always during the most inappropriate song.

For instance I like Glassjaw. Now I know for a fact that a load of the singers songs are about not being able to get a girlfriend due to his terrible bowel illness. It would be at a point during an "I'm so bitter, I keep pooing and can't get a girlfriend song" that the stupid couple in question would get off with each other.

So how would the singer in Glassjaw feel about that? It's just rubbing it in his face - and that is just spiteful.
So the next time you are enjoying a band with your girlfriend remember hand holding and cuddling is ok but a larger showing of affection is impudent behaviour.

Block Party

I'll start this with an apology (you wouldn't believe how often I have to say that).

I'm sorry I have not been updating this blog as regularly as I should have been, but in my defence I have been pretty busy. (Well busy in a watching movies and playing videogames kind of way).
But now I'm taking a stand and I'm going to update more regularly. (In all fairness I'm not expecting you to really care that much, but if I keep this lack of updating going you'll stop reading this blog and my ego will become hugely deflated).
So yes more regular updates.

Anyway....
Lego was 50 years old on the 28th of January and I have to say those blocks are ageing well, they don't look a day over 25, they haven't lost their shape, the sides are still firm and the nobbly bits on the top are still pert.
So to celebrate this momentous occasion I stole some videos off youtube which involve cool Lego things, so watch these and learn something:





1st did you see how quickly that elastic band gun fires? How cool is that?
2nd That level from Super Mario Brothers isn't quite correct but that must have taken ages to film, so I'll let him get away with the lack of accuracy.

The funniest thing to happen in the history of Australia

Oh yeah this is the 1st post of the New Year so Happy New Year.

So this 16 year old kid throws a party in Melbourne and 500 teenagers turn up. They all get drunk make loads of noise in the street.
The police get called, then have to retreat as the 500 teenagers throw bottles at them.
It takes 30 police, the police dog squad and a helicopter to restore calm. An estimate $20 000 (Austrailian money) worth of damage is done. But as amusing as all that is, it's this youtube video of the kid who threw the party that makes me laugh the most.



He is just such a little shit, who is clearly not sorry for anything that's happened. Still on the plus side those sun glasses are awesome.

You should have said no to Leon Jackson

This is by a band called Reuben and the song is called "Christmas is Awesome"
It also should have been Christmas no.1
I have to say I am a fan of their previous work (which kind of increases my enjoyment of this song).



Well all that is left to say is: Merry Christmas to you all.

Sequels that should exist: Part 2

Again they are making a an Indiana Jones 4 but I'd be grossly surprised if the film is going to be anything like my idea.

Indiana Jones: The Bronzed Kingdom of Connery



Plot synopsis: Indiana Jones is running away from some Nazis. (If you've seen any of the films you'll know he does this a lot). On this particular occasion he boards a small plane which then crash lands on Barbados in an uninhabited region (Indy doesn't know it's Barbados). When Indy finally finds civilisation on the island he finds that none other than Sean Connery (being Sean Connery not Indy's father) has taken this town and the whole island and is forcing the inhabitants to build a giant statue of himself. Most of the movie is taken up with Connery and Ford trying to beat each other in a game of wits (face it Harrison Ford is getting on I'm not sure I want him to do the more physical stunts). Anyway this game of wits escalates into Connery and Ford fighting on the open palm of the giant golden statue. The twist of the tale is Connery beats Ford and knocks him off the hand of the statue. Indiana Jones dies, Connery wins. No more delayed sequels can be made and I remain happy, the end.

Most memorable scene: When Indy fights Sean Connery on the open palm of the giant Sean Connery statue.
Moral: Harrison Ford is not as great as Sean Connery and this proves it.
Possible spin off: The crazy time traveling adventures of Lucas and Spielberg. These two giants of film go through the archives of their work trying to find old franchises they can re spark, if you're lucky maybe a sequel to Howard the Duck will get made (The Horror, The Horror).

Just some youtube videos to fill the time

I've been meaning to chuck these on here for absolutely ages but what can I say? I'm chronically lazy:



Ok so this is a guy called Tay Zonday who is 25 or something. And he didn't hear any modern music until he was 13 because his parents locked him up in a box (maybe). The point is I find his voice amusing. And he became an internet phenomenon about 6 months ago but I only heard about it recently.



That is the remix he did to help advertise Dr Pepper. Again listen to that voice.



Here he is destroying Christmas with that voice - show this video to a child and make them cry.



Mark Kermode of culture show fame reviews (slates) Pirates of the Carribean 3, oh how I laughed. He didn't however enjoy Tranformers (but that's a private matter between him and God).

So that's the videos.
On a final note have you seen the video for the Westlife song Home? I hate the song (obviously) but something about the video just fundamentally infuriates me, maybe it's the way it is edited or perhaps it's the way they stare through the camera trying to pierce my very soul with their eyes of persecuting evil.
If someone does work out what it is about this specific Westlife video that kills me a little do leave a comment. Cheers.

Sequels that should exist: part 1

I could write a film.
I know that's a pretty bold statement but I am absolutely convinced I could.
Whether it would be any good or not is another thing. But I could definitely write one.

So with that in mind and based on the fact that both Indiana Jones and Rambo are getting long delayed (unnecessary?) sequels. I've decided to sit down and list three films I would like to write the sequels to.

(Also note there is a new Jurassic Park in pre production and if this turns out to be the plot I'll be majorly surprised).

Jurassic Park IV: Sentient o Saurs



Plot Synopsis: Another Jurassic park, but this was one is set on the 1st island and is from the Dinosaurs point of view.
Thanks to the dinsosaurs all being created via cloning mass production they are starting to evolve rapidly (no scientific explanation needed)and now are able to think and communicate in dinosaur-ese (this is subtitled). Mathematician Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum)comes to the island to shoot the dinosaurs due to his new discovered love of big game hunting (again no explanation needed).
As the movie is from the dinosaurs point of view we see groups of them eating, craping and doing general animal stuff while conversing about the weather. Ian Malcolm turns up at random points (always leading to a big audacious fight). Malcolm kills a few of the hyper intelligent dinosaurs each time then disappears into the undergrowth.
Eventually the dinosaurs hatch a plan and trap Malcolm. They hold him captive for a year getting him to teach them English, mathematical mechanics and how human society works.
One day Malcolm awakes to find his Dinosaur captors gone, he leaves the cage and goes to try to find a way off the island (bothered on occasion by the stupid un evolved dinosaurs). He finds a boat escapes the island and heads for mainland America. When he gets to whichever city is geographically closest to the 1st Jurassic park island he finds the city partially destroyed and deserted.
Grabbed suddenly and pulled into a nearby building he looks on the face of some very troubled humans. He asks them "what is going on?" and explains how he has been away from civilisation. They tell him a chilling tale (shown in flashback) of how Dinosaurs came to the city in helicopters made of scrap and bombed the shit out of all the strategically important areas of the city. So now the Dinosaurs have full control of this city or perhaps the world.
The film ends with Ian Malcolm realising it is all his fault for teaching the Dinosaurs many things.

Most memorable scene: Either when the Dinosaurs are bombing the city or when Ian Malcolm has to teach the head Dinosaur how to speak English by singing that song from My fair lady.
Moral: Dinosaurs shouldn't learn mathematics for fear of them rising up against humanity.
Possible spinoff: Ian Malcolm Dinsosaur Hunter, it's like Planet of the Apes meets that bit in the Jungle book with King Louis the monkey.



P.S: I may write another one of these possible movies later or perhaps I'll decide they are too stupid and write something completely un related.

The Triforce Paradigm

A fair few weeks ago I saw some TV show about kids getting Asbos.
I've no recollection of what the show was.
Infact I've so little recollection and the memory seems so hazy it may even have been a dream.

Anyway the point is the show (or dream) told me that the reason kids are getting so many Asbos or getting into so much trouble is because they don't have any role models. Or if they do have role models they are trashy celebrities found in Heat magazine (Girls Aloud not withstanding in my opinion).

This got me thinking maybe the reason I'm such a rounded human being is because of the celebrities I perceive to be my role models. Strong male role models who have helped shape my moral outlook on life.

Lets take a look:

1. Sean Connery

A man who commands respect. Not only does he always steal scenes in a movie (The Rock and Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade being the best examples) but he was also Mr Universe which surely makes him king of the universe. Also he fights for Scottish Independence even though he lives in Barbados and no one questions this (because he'd punch them in the face). And he'd have your Dad in fight when infact Connery is an old man.

2. Christian Bale

Nearly every movie he does is a new breed of amazing. Plus he made a film (the Prestige) where magicians didn't look like absolute idiots. And he helped resurrect the Batman movies from being unwatchable messes (Forever and Robin) into the best comic book movie adaptations ever.

3. Optimus Prime

He's just so damn righteous and with an inbuilt respect for humanity. This can only be bettered by the fact he is a robot that turns into a lorry.

Now on it's own that information is interesting but not particularly useful. I mean surely everyone already knew this; Connery, Bale and Prime are exceedingly good role models. But if we take this data and try to pictorially display it (by putting it on the Triforce).

We now see that Connery becomes Power (because he is King of the Universe).
Bale is wisdom (he has the foresight to choose amazing films - or makes films amazing either way wisdom).
And Prime is courage (he preaches to the other Autobots about not killing humans even when it would make his goals of stopping the Decepticons easier).

So what's the moral of all this I here you ask, is it that the role models kids should have today to stop their destructive behaviour should balance power, wisdom and courage?

Nope the moral is kids should be made to play the Legend of Zelda because then they wouldn't be on the streets playing near my damn bins.

The key to sellling your product

So yer I haven't written on here in ages which I do apologise for.
However I don't apologise for how short and lame this post is going to be - that you'll have to put with.

Basically lifestyle product photography is shit and if you click here you'll see why.

You should really click that link and read that whole post because it is amazingly funny and sums up what's wrong with Lifestyle Photography in a much more precise way than I ever could.

Go on trust me, have I ever led you wrong before?

Arnie in Japan

Yes I know I've been neglecting this blog but a combination of nothing very interesting happening coupled with being kinda busy has led to a lack of updates.
Anyway a few people have said they enjoyed Arnie's adventures in Brazil so in the spirit of pleasing them I've added these Arnie japanese adverts - check them out they're mad.







It's just like Mr Sparkle well hopefully that'll tie you over until I come up with something interesting.

You're sick and twisted misses

Look at this photo



That was once a dog, now it's inhumanely been made to look like Leonardo the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you look into it's eyes I'm pretty sure you can see that it wants to die - still at least it raised a chuckle.

" Sierra? Sierra? "

Hello everyone.
I haven't written on here in a while due to nothing interesting happening. As per usual things have been a little dull.
Anywho I was lucky enough to be shown (by one of my friends) this incredible Arnie video.


I won't analyse the whole thing but pay close attention to Arnie trying to say cheers to that lady (in her native tongue) and later grabbing a lot of ladies arses - quite clearly without their permission.

Also just incase this blog ever becomes a piece of influential academic reference material in regard to the media; Ian Hislop Arnie is not the worst actor ever he was in Terminator 2 - a highly regarded classic (he was also in Total Recall, Predator, Terminator and True Lies, not definitives masterpieces of cinema but very good none the less). So there.

Also does anyone know what's happened to the website stupidfuckingcustomer@blogspot.com I miss its very existence.

How to make yourself look cooler than you actually are

Because I'm cool I play guitar.....

Actually scrap that, because I wanted to be cool/ and I liked At the Drive In/ and I wanted to write silly songs I learned to play guitar.

So anyway my 1st guitar was in a bit of a state (the electronics needed repairing, the paint at the bottom was chipped

and more importantly (due to my younger self attempting to customise it without the correct tools - damn you past me) the overall paint job was a bit screwed).

Well recently I was introduced to this bloke who happens to be mildly artly talented and customises guitars. So I've handed him my 1st guitar with the hope that he could fix up this visual disgrace and then assuming he did a good job I would pay him some money.

So here are the preliminary photos of what he has done (also note this is obviously not finished).





No your eyes do not decieve you that is indeed an unfinished Optimus Prime standing on my guitar, waiting for some sort of Decepticons invasion. I think it looks really cool and assuming all goes according to plan this should finish as an exemplary piece of awesome.

Also if you want something painting you can check out this guys work at: http://www.myspace.com/carillioncustom

Nuts TV update: Big Cook Little Cock

Well Nuts TV stoops to a new level by being presented by the bloke who plays little cook in Big Cook Little Cook.


As you can see in this photo he is flying on a broomstick.

I think the picture is pretty self explanatory on why that man is a fool. But my inner anger also comes from the fact he did a TV show for BBC 3 where he kept complaining on how having ginger hair was impeding his getting with girls.

What actually was impeding this girl related action was starring in big cook little cook, and being a tool.

Still on a lighter note Nuts TV was talking about broadsheet newspapers today so at least it was teaching people something which as you can see is funny.

The day that TV went wrong

Originally this update was going to be a list of TV shows that got canceled and how it was an actual disgrace. But now I have a televisual event that's even worse than all the shows I love getting thrown into the great rubbish bin of stuff I care about.

So last Wednesday Nuts TV began.

For all those who don't know Nuts is a lad mag, not just a lad mag probably the lowest common denominator lad mag that exists. Full of tales of how the editors get pissed up everynight and hang out with pretend lesbian glamour models. (Not that I don't like half naked girls or jokes and other such things but it's just so poorly handled, once I read an issue on a train journey and I was just so bored).

Anyway they've taken the Nuts format and turned it into a TV channel on Freeview. It runs from 9pm til 1am and it's so crap. Ball achingly crap infact.
It's presented so badly and it's so unfunny.
And then it ends with this:



It's Lucy Pinder reading Shakespeare.
Now I like Lucy Pinder she is hot. But that beautiful shell of a woman houses the most hideous voice and sorry to be so middle class (I'm not sorry) but her Shakespeare pronunciation is well off.
Disgusting.

On the plus side at least Nuts the magazine has made FHM look like a classier lads mag with better photo skill and funnier humour.