Briefly

I wish they'd re show Old School Byker Grove with PJ and Duncan.
I think it would be a useful exercise because:

1) It would show young people the danger of being blinded while playing paintball.
2) Hardhitting issues that affect the "kidz" would be on Tv again.
3) Gang crime would go down as gang members would see the shocking results of violent acts (this was covered repeatedly in Byker Grove).
4) I could make a joke about Geoff's beard and people would understand it.
5) The entire audience of Ant and Dec's saturday night takeaway could be shown (or reminded) where their hosts come from.
6) I could re learn how to speak Geordie as Byker Grove acted as some kind of self help book to learning foreign (Newcastle) languages.

Dear Diary...

In a bit you'll be able to read some of my recent thoughts.
What I've managed to do is link each point together rather tenuously.

1. I saw Michael J Fox and Julie Bowen (Carol Vessey in Ed) as a couple in Boston Legal - if they actually had children in real life they'd be beautiful.

So Julie Bowen (mentioned in point 1) starred in Ed. Once guest starring in Ed was the guy who did the noises in Police Academy. He obviously acted with Tackleberry (mentioned in point 2).

2. Big Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies were both in The Brady Bunch - I've watched a lot of stuff (read crap) and I figured those two had never acted again (after their appearences in those respective shows).

Marsha from the Brady bunch movie (mentioned in point 2) is married to Ben Stiller who is best friends with Owen Willson (mentioned in point 3).

3. If Armageddon was made today Owen Willson wouldn't die, infact he'd probably play Steve Buscemi's character.

Bruce Willis stars in Armageddon (mentioned in point 3) he also did a voice to the movie Over the Hedge. Avril Lavigne (mentioned in point 4) did a voice in the movie Over the Hedge.

4. Avril Lavigne currently looks like like Veronica Mars crossed with Jennifer Love Hewitt which makes her doubley hot.

Avril Lavigne (point 4) is married to one of the guys out the band Sum41. They provided a song to the movie the Santa Clause 2 which starred Tim Allen. Tim Allen does the voice of Buzz Light Year (point 5).

5. Why do all the Buzz Light years in Toy Story 2 (you know the ones, the packaged ones in the toy aisle). Why do they not know they are toys but all the other toys featured in Toy Story (packaged or not) know they are toys. Are Buzz Light Years brainwashed when they are manufactured?

Also in Toy Story 1 early on in that movie Andy doesn't play with Woody he only plays with Buzz (this is when Buzz and Woody don't get on). But later when Woody and Buzz are friends Andy starts playing with Woody and Buzz together and teams them up. So does that mean Woody and Buzz have psychological power over Andy?

And if that's the case what have my toys done to me?

Hey Hey You You I don't like your girlfriend and stuff

Sorry I haven't written on here in a while but seriously nothing has been going on, it's all been a little bit boring.
I have to say this Avril Lavigne video/song is a little bit brilliant.



Having watched that video you're probably wondering why it's good. Well it breaks down like this:

A) The opening line (Hey Hey You You I don't like your grilfriend) makes an excellent sentence to text people at random.
B) It reminds me of the Lolly version of Rocky Robin.
C) It's a bit silly.
D) Avril wrote it herself.
E) The video is completely morally bankrupt Miss Lavigne is absolutely horrible to some random nerdy girl with obvious self esteem issues. Infact she is playing a playground bully - welldone Avril this one is clearly for the kids.

One of my mates believes this song may be the start of a new pop music era. I hope so it'd be beautiful.

The Majestic Silver Marvel

I meant to tell you this weeks ago but I didn't as I forgot.
Basically you remember back when I started this Blog I was going on about a roundabout that was vaguely near where I live?
You don't?
I'll reiterate - I said this:

This is near where I live...
It's a roundabout
Sometime in the distant future a giant statue of a chicken is to be placed on it.
I literally cannot wait until that happens it will clearly be one of the funniest/pointless things that I have ever witnessed.
On a more serious note this will have cost the council thousands of pounds. This money should have gone on more worthwhile causes, like that overdue operation to have that big stick forcibly removed from all council members arses.
I don't usually comment on politics but this might be a worthwhile cause.

Well now the chicken is on said roundabout and it looks like this:








Also nothing to do with anything but I was hoping that Enter Shikari got their name from a combination of Shinji Ikari the Hero from Neon Genesis Evangelion.
It turned out they didn't.

The day the Earth stood quizless

Well I hope your happy ITV play has got cancelled and it's all your fault!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that I'm just a bit shaken up by the whole business.

For those of you not aware ITV has cancelled ITV Play (the service of premium rate phone in Tv quizzes) so now I don't get to watch The Mint or Make Your Play, I mean sure there is Glitterball but it's just not the same.

I sense you might be confused by this so I'll explain:

What - ITV ran a series of quizzes presented by hot girls (and gay Brian from Big Brother) where people at home phoned in to win cash. Most of the time the presenters just meander about talking crap. The games are mostly word games (like fill in the blanks) except Glitterball which is a series of Anagrams which I'm really rubbish at.
When - From late at night to stupid o'clock in the morning.
Where - Channel 3 on Terrestrial
Why - ITV Play has been cancelled because "officially" there were "commercial" reasons. I'm sure it didn't help that a week earlier the service had been suspended after concerns were raised that viewers phoning in could be losing money.

Anyway the point is no ITV Play so that means
A) No early morning word games that inevitably become ridiculous things you've never heard of.
B) No fake mansion sets.
C) No presenters telling rubbish life stories.
D) No attractive female presenters.

For gratuitous reasons here's what we'll all be missing out on:



Debbie King from Quizmania (she hasn't been on TV for ages but it's always worth mentioning)



Cat Porter from the Mint (she wears evening dresses and would make lovely dinner middle class conversation about different types of jam.)



Kat Shoob from the Mint (she's quite funny and stuff)



Alex Kramer from Make your Play (She's on my legendary written document "the list").

Anyway I'm sure you all see now that ITV Play was an amazing Tv service and we should all be as upset as I am that now it's gone.

In all seriousness I'll stop going on about it now.

Myspace is consistently rubbish

1) Read the title
2) Look at the picture
3) Draw a conclusion


Some updates write themselves.

You think you've got problems

Jayz once gave the immortal line "If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son. I've got 99 problems but the bitch ain't one - hit me."

I'm pretty sure these were his problems.

99. His house has a squeaky door.
98. There is a leaky tap in his kitchen.
97. His Ipod is broken and therefore needs a new one.
96. The TIVO is full and he hasn't watched what is on it.
95. He needs to fill out an IRS form.
94. Wants to change his ISP as the customer service on AOL is poor.
93. Windows in the house need cleaning.
92. Cars all need a wash.
91. He hasn't bought Beyonce a birthday present.
90. 1 of the spinners on his Hummer spins in the opposite direction.
89. E-mails need archiving.
88. Needs a new portable hard drive -
87. To backup laptop hard drive.
86. Shoes could do with a clean.
85. His Xbox Live subscription needs renewing.
84. Been meaning to watch Boys in the Hood again.
83. Hasn't decided when to retire next.
82. Wants to change Windows XP over to Vista.
81. Could do with a shower.
80. He's been meaning to check his ebay account as there was this jacket he quite wanted, but it was getting expensive and he just wasn't sure if he wanted it that much.
79. Wants to shave head as it's getting quite stubbly.
78. He needs to renew subscription to TIME magazine.
77. The attic needs a clear out.
76. The Sceptic tank is overflowing.
75. The chandelier needs a polish.
74. The wooden floor in the hall needs a wax.
73. The driveway needs re - tarring.
72. The dog needs shampooing.
71. The cat needs it's nails clipped.
70. The hamsters need cleaning out.
69. The towels need a wash.
68. CDs need re - alphabetising.
67. He needs to shout at Beyonce's producer for ruining a single.
66. He wants to organise a guys poker game.
65. Needs a poker set ie cards and chips.
64. Needs food for game.
63. Needs drinks for game.
62. Needs smokes for game.
61. He wants beautiful women to be serving at the game.
60. He needs clear out the garage for the poker game.
59. He hasn't brushed teeth today.
58. He hasn't loaded the dishwasher.
57. He needs to soak the pasta bake dish - which won't clean in the dishwasher.
56. Make dentist appointment.
55. Make eye test appointment.
54. Return library books.
53. Return 50 Cent's pornography.
52. Buy more memory for digital camera.
51. Member of entourage is leaving and needs a retiring present.
50. Listen to the new Linkin Park album and see if he can cash in on it.
49. Watch needs a new battery.
48. He needs to make a copy of his house keys.
47. The bins need taking out.
46. He wants to buy a new house to be shown on cribs.
45. Been meaning to phone Chester from Linkin Park.
44. He wants to brew his own beer.
43. He has been meaning to write his own memoirs.
42. He wants to become 1st Black President.
41. He still hasn't and wants to visit all 50 states.
40. The house maybe haunted so needs exorcising by a priest.
39. Worried and confused about the buttered cat paradox.
38. He wants to get the southern states to accept him as an equal.
37. He is worried about potential debt problems.
36. He has signed up to neighbourhood watch and is worried people are judging him.
35. He is panicked about global warming and his carbon footprint.
34. He has been meaning post on a fan's website forum.
33. He needs to go to the gym.
32. Wants to buy This is Where the Fight Begins by the Ghost of a Thousand.
31. He needs to set himself up as a loan shark.
30. Needs to change the lightbulb in the basement of his house.
29. Jayz needs patenting as a brand.
28. He needs to get an equity card so he can register as an actor.
27. Wants to watch all 7 Police Academy movies.
26. Needs to then watch the animated series of Police Academy.
25. Then follow that with the live action Police Academy.
24. Start religious group based on Jayz brand.
23. Sort out his own videogame (50 Cent style).
22. Build time machine to -
21. Ensure he is best rapper ever.
20. Register Jayz monopoly.
19. Setup Jayz university.
18. Contact Tupac through a medium.
17. Invest money in kids with psychic abilities.
16. Destroy the magic circle.
15. Start his own channel on cable.
14. Get HBO to make a Jayz behind the man documentary,
13. Take Beyonce to the modern art exhibition she wants to go to.
12. Invent and patent the "Jayz dance".
11. Come up with title for new album.
10. Buy some guns.
9. Put money into R&D of new medicinal drug then brand it with Jayz.
8. Get new sponsorship to receive new trainers.
7. Clone self.
6. Do the voice in an animated Disney movie.
5. Buy a monkey.
4. Build a castle.
3. Put money into R&D of life size Transformer.
2. Become a Ghostbuster.
1. Worried about death and thus wants to live forever.

Pre 2000 the world was a simpler place

Sometimes things are so painfully obvious they don't need an explanation.
And that is why I hope that by reminding you of the scene in Armageddon where Bruce Willis gives the speech to the colonel about how he can plant that bomb in the asteroid you'll remember how great that film is:

OK so I'll set the scene.
Bruce Willis has been sent into space to blow up an asteroid which is going to hit the Earth. To achieve this he has to dig a hole (in said asteroid) and put a nuclear bomb into it.
Back on Earth, the president is about to blow the bomb up without it being in the hole as he doesn't think Bruce will be able to dig to the required depth.
The Colonel flying the spaceship Willis is on, is trying to get the bomb out the spaceship, so he can then pilot the ship back to Earth and avoid being blown up by the bomb.
Bruce needs to stop him, hows he going to do this?
BY damn well giving him one of the greatest speeches ever written that's how.

(Scene: Inside the space shuttle, Music: Slow building dramatic strings)
Bruce: For God sake's think about what your doing. Why are you listening to someone whose 100,000 miles away? We're here, no one down there can help us. If we don't get this job done, everybodies gone.

One of Bruce's men: 1 minute (until bomb detonation)

Bruce: I've been drilling holes in the Earth for 30 years.And I have never, NEVER missed a depth that I have aimed for. AND by God I will make this one, I will make 800ft

One of Bruce's men: 42 seconds

(Camera shot of bomb)
Bruce: But I can't do it alone Colonel, I need you help.

Colonel(looking very stressed): You swear on your daughter's life and my families that you can hit that mark?

Bruce (super serious): I will make 800ft. I swear to God I will.

Colonel: Then let's turn this bomb off (manly handshake).

The thing is there's no real point to this article I just want everyone to remember how good Armageddon is, people these days don't sing it's praises enough. And it truly has everything: pathos, acting, explosions, man's hubris, Aerosmith, comedy Russians, Owen Wilson's death, asteroids, Greenpeace, that bloke who isn't Ving Rhames and of course the legend that is Ben Affleck.

So the next time Deep Impact is on Tv (it'll be on at around New year) I hope you think to yourself "I wish this was Armaggedon, because that was so the better movie because at the very least it features the acting talents of Ben Affleck and he's amazing."



So thankyou Michael Bay you make a trip to the movies special.
(In all seriousness if you mess up the Tranformers movie I hope you have an underground bunker to escape to because the wrath of nerds is not something to be taken lightly, not to mention the ass kicking from the "real" Optimus Prime you'll be receiving.)

My +10 sword does 50 damage and that's not even a critical hit etc

Yes I know I've been neglectful recently (I've been really busy) but don't you even worry about it, I can promise you that I've been sitting on some articles that I think will prove amusing. But I've had to wait for certain things to happen before I can harvest the sweet goodness of stupidity and knowledge. As ominious (or ludicrous) as this sounds I can assure you the articles in question will actually prove to be very normal (well by my standards anyway) I just thought I'd keep you updated.

Oh and apologies this is going to be about videogames.
But the videogame in question does play host to 8 million players...
I am talking about the World of Warcraft.

Now I don't want anyone to be bored or confused by the knowledge fest that is this article so I'll give you a brief description of how the game works:

1. You buy the Game
2. You install the Game
3. You register your credit card (it requires a monthly fee)
4. You spend all night updating the Game via the internet (if you're "lucky", in my case I had to try to fix a problem that caused my computer to crash.)
5. You go to log into the Game
6. You realise you can't play because it's a Tuesday and that's when the servers are down for maintenance.
7. You curse the day you ever bought this game but hope you'll get to play it because everyone has told you it's really good.
8.You finally get to play and a magical world akin to dungeons and dragons has opened up before you (oh yer you choose a race of character but that really is a side issue).
9. You do some quests (ie collect a certain amount of something by killing stuff).
10. You talk to some real life people
9a. You do some quests
10a.You talk to some real life people
9b. You do some quests
10b.You talk to some real life people
9c. You do some quests
10c. You talk to some real life people
9d. You do some quests
10d. You talk to some real life people
9e. You do some quests
10e. You talk to some real life people
9f. You do some quests
10f. You talk to some real life people
11. You run out of quests as your character is not strong enough (levelled up) to get new quests or go to a new area.
12. You grit your teeth and try to fight the wildlife which is now strong enough to kill you in a few hits.
13. You eventually pass that stage but realise all the quests are exactly the same and you're really not getting that much from this experience but decide to press on as you've spent all this time and maybe it gets better.
14. Steps 9 and 10 are repeated.
15. You get to a dungeon and recognise your character is not anywhere near strong enough to deal with it.
16. You exit the game and uninstall it and go to bed because it's 3am and you've got to be up early.

I'll point out now that I didn't actually have to pay a monthly fee as I was on a 10 day trial. But it didn't stop the fact World of Warcraft appeared to be very shallow and a bit shit. Oh and it kept logging me out on occasion which was damn annoying.

And just incase anyone tries to argue it's point:
A) I did have people to play with.
B) Yes I do like RPGs

So to you World of Warcraft player I say: You're addicted - the 1st step to solving the problem is admitting there is one. Just let it go, I know you've spent a lot of time and money but it's not very good and you're hurting yourself (and possibly family and friends). Go cold turkey and play something less addictive like Tetris or the real life RPG world of drug addiction.

Society has collapsed it's official

This is really bad. I'm sure you can see how.

Straight from the mines of Youtube

Just when I thought I was running out of things to say Youtube mined these gems with its tiny electronic gnome workers.

Watch this:


What a tool.
And yes that possibly is the kitchen from Napoleon Dynamite.
Also why would you put yourself on YouTube like that? Prancing round the kitchen like a fool , he might as well be singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror.
Having said that it is exceedingly funny so well done him.

Right this is Ashley Tisdale (the blonde one from High School Musical) using YouTube to wish everyone a happy new year.


Wasn't that a horrible piece of viral marketing subtley promoting her tour? (Also she is 21 she must be the youngest looking 21 year old ever but that's a side issue).
Anyway if her blatant abuse of YouTube wasn't bad enough check out the reply she got from a "fan".



It's like the live floor show of the Hills Have Eyes.

Youtube - What happens when Tv is handed to the people

Super Intelligent man and the tale of extravagence

I don't quite know where this update is going to go so bear with me. (Also that rhymed and it's important that we accept as a society that anything that rhymes is instantly true).

Anywho, last night I wanted to watch Skins on E4 except we can't get E4 at Nerdhouse (our aerial is old and corroded by Hull sea air) . You see this article was going to be a review of Skins but now it can't be as I didn't see it.

I think Skins must be one of the most over hyped/pushed shows I've ever (not) seen. Usually when it comes to advertising I just let the whole process wash over me (granted I don't go and try out every product I see but I don't really have a problem with the whole consumerism process). This time however even I was starting to get a bit pissed off. The little adverts for the show (not sure the word Ident is applicable here) have been on since before Christmas and have featured in between pretty much every channel 4 show it's getting exceedingly annoying.

Plus it's showing all the smelly signs of being absolutely terrible (not just a bit rubbish, I'm talking full on Wesley Snipes money grabbing awful):
1. It's only on E4 which is still a bit of a test the waters dumping ground.
2. It's about Teenagers going to excess - which is not new or really that entertaining.
3. The Channel 4 announcer person was all like "Watch this it's brilliant!" Which stinks of desperation.
4. It's got the grown up kid from About a Boy in it. Now this guy gets a special section on this blog. This bloke is apparently a bit of a Teenage heart throb/dreamboat but if you actually look he has the hideous face of a Gnome, yes that's right a gnome. And I saw him on T4 the other day and he wasn't witty or compelling.
To illustrate my point June Sarpong was interviewing the Gnomey freak when she tried her hand at some subtlety (which was like watching someone with no arms trying to juggle- sad, ridiculous pointless but at least they tried) in one of the interview questions. I can't remember the exact question but she was trying to ask the boy genius if he would be romantically interested in one of the other female presenters. Captain Clever drops the dialogue ball at this point by not really understanding the meaning of it all and ends up sitting on the sofa with the quizzical look of a simpleton - idiot.
She's trying to be subtle you fool and coming off as obvious - please use your brain it's ever so important.

Gnome Face

5. The show has its own Myspace with each character in the show having their own separate Myspace which let's face it is an internet travesty.

As a final note to this Russell Brand said something really sarcastic and funny about this show when he had to plug it for E4. The exact words aren't important, it was the sentiment that he thought it was appauling and ridiculous. That man's really growing on me like some kind of back combed London fungus.

Three things you'll want to know (but don't know it yet)

Hello again,
It's been a mild while since an update was done but I'm here to rectify that situation with some general facts I think you should know:

1. Remember I did that update about the ITV game show the mint? Amusingly ITV Play have been told by one of the Tv governing bodies (Ofcom I think) that the answers to some of their games have been too obscure. The example given was in the quiz "What would you find in a ladies handbag?" the top 2 answers were Rawl plugs and a balaclava. Well I found it funny even if you didn't.


Kat Shoob from the Mint

2. One of my housemate's has setup a web cam in our living room that takes pictures of our sofa (and possibly us) at 15 second intervals. I don't know if you want to see our house or possibly how we live our lives (playing Wii and shouting at the neighbour's dog - which has been making some odd noises in the past couple of days) but now you have the option. The website is http://helpineedsleep.net/nerdhousecam.php or click here. Oh and I'll point out now that the camera may not always be on so sometimes you won't a surreal story unfolding before your eyes, but then again sometimes you will.

3. My Internet Explorer 7 won't work. Don't update it as it's rubbish.

The things I liked during 2006

So many magazines and websites have done a countdown of things in 2006 so I'm jumping on the bandwagon. The difference being we're a week passed New year so I have the gift of hindsight.
Many said this year was the worst year for music, tv, film and videogames. I'm pretty sure the same people say that every year so here is what I enjoyed (in no particular order).

People Came Back
Nelly Furtardo and Take That returned, you probably didn't care, I didn't to start with but then Take That turned out to be funny (that show they hosted on ITV is the key example here). And Nelly Furtardo released a poptabulous album with two good opening singles, plenty of funky bass hooks and synths that sounded like Mega Drive sound effects.

The Xmen
The 3rd film was enjoyable (too many characters but good nonetheless) but the really great Xmen stuff lay in the comic book Astonishing Xmen. Well written, funny and interesting. Yes this was the year a comic actually took my money (instead of just borrowing it from the library).

Taking Back Sunday
I don't care what you previously thought of TBS their 3rd album Louder Now is worth a listen. It's been in my CD player a helleva lot and it's not so emo this time round it's a little bit heavier. Basically one of my chums who didn't like their previous stuff loves it, so check it out perhaps.

The Prestiege
As previously stated I don't like magicians I think they're tricksy. Anyway this film is about two magicians in Victorian with a vendetta against each other. The performances and direction are exceedingly watchable, the story is intriguing and there is a love it or hate it plot twist. It's a movie I think about often and I want you to see it.

Edinburgh Festival
It's fun, it's different, the locals probably hate it, people keep telling me they're meaning to go. So go there.

Wii
When I started this blog I wanted to keep the videogames mentioning down to a minimum. But the Wii deserves a special mention. Having a house full of people on launch day eating tins of celebrations, playing with motion sensitive controllers then ordering a massive chinese is a memory I will keep for a long time. Every person who has played it loves it and laughs along with it. Family members, girlfriends, people who have "retired" from videogames. I think it genuinely will be loved by the entire world. If you haven't played Wii Sports Tennis go find someone with one and play it. Oh and to my friends in London who I spent New Year with and didn't bring my Wii with me - I'm genuinely sorry, I'll bring it next time.

Bands you don't remember and that I thought were dead.

I'm having to write this on an exceedingly slow computer so if the article suddenly ends without any conclusion it's because I got fed up with the slowness of this machine and I published the article as it was when I had enough with it.

So, bands.
The other day last month a conversation in my house led to us dredging up the past. Basically we were discusing bands we remember from back in the day and wondering where the hell they are now.

The bands in question were:

Kinesis
Serafin
Hepburn
Thunderbugs

So without further ado I'm going to go over who these bands were and what happened to them.

Kinesis
Who on Earth were they: From what I recall a bunch of 6th formers who supported Hundred Reasons and The Lostprophets on tour. Lots of people who I knew thought they were great, I on the other hand was less bothered about them. For a while it looked like they could be the next "Big Thing".
Where are they now: Following the split, three of the members returned to education. Tom Marshall is studying International Relations at Toronto University, Canada. Neil Chow is studying Graphic Design at the University of Plymouth, based at the Exeter campus. Conor McGloin is due to begin a degree in PPE at Oxford University in Autumn 2006, whilst Michael Bromley is currently working as a website designer and is a member of the Church of Scientology. (Yes I stole that paragraph word for word from Wikipedia).


Oh and you might want to know Captain's of industry have made their 2nd album available for download for free from their website.

Serafin
Who were they: Some band around the same time as Kinesis they had this one song that was pretty popular and quite good, although I can't remember what it was called.
Where are they now: Members have come and gone but they are technically still together touring and playing around the London area. They have only released one album (No Push Collide (2003)) but another one exists it just hasn't been released.



Hepburn
Who were they: Before Girls Aloud made all girl groups cool again the music industry in all its wisdom believed the way forward for (in the year 2000 at least) pop music was for all girl bands to play their own instruments, so that it what Hepburn did. The most famous single was called "I quit" and was on the Buffy season 1 soundtrack. Also once they played at my secondary school.
Where are they now: I don't know. Although I'd guess somewhere very far away from pop music.


Thunderbugs
Who were they: A year before Hepburn exisited Thunderbugs tried the same trick. Eg. A girl band who played their own instruments. Their 1st single Friends Forever reached #3 their second single It's About Time You Were Mine reached #43. So they got dropped by their record label.
Where are they now: Again with the I don't know. They fell into obscurity even quicker than Hepburn.

Post No.75

I just thought I'd apologise for the lack of updates. (These last couple of weeks have been exceedingly busy). So apologies.

I don't have time to write anything substantial at this moment in time but I'll try to write an "article" in the next couple of days.

Anyway I'll leave you with a message of Merry Christmas and try to be kind to your fellow man. (If you don't celebrate Christmas then happy generic inoffensive religious festival A and that be kind to your fellow man thing still applies).

3 albums and 13 top ten singles and a knowledge of how to get kids to vote? It can only be Girls aloud.

Things just seem to get weirder these days with Girls Aloud voicing their opinions on politics and actually making some sick kind of sense.

I mean sure I don't agree with everything they say:
"They need people like us to go into the schools and help spread the word," says Cole. "Our fans would definitely listen to us. They'd think, well, if Kimberley and Cheryl and Nicola are interested in it, then I want to know about it".

I'm not so sure that'd work for 6th formers or Year 11 but generally they're talking some sense.
The full article is here and I suggest you read it as it's mildly interesting.

So my main point is maybe I'm wrong perhaps Girls Aloud could provide me with the female dinner conversation I've been looking for.

Oh and of course the obligatory picture of them -




And to think that mate of mine Dave was trying to convince me certain sectors of society shouldn't be aloud(pun) to vote - the elitist git.

Social Issue #4,355,988C

How to solve the Iraq situation:



Sorted!

See it's not difficult to write a political blog Rob Cheesewright: http://www.robcheesewright.blogspot.com/

Sound of the Underground

OK everyone I'm afraid this post is going to be a bit of an advert for a band that I like. I'll do a "real" update in a few days - I promise.

So this evening I was taken to a gig by one of my housemates. The headliners of the gig were called The Ghost of a Thousand and he knows them because he went to secondary school with one of the guitarists and is good mates with them. (That's just a bit of irrelevant information for you).

The point is T-GOAT (as they're known or something) played an absolutely amazing live set and were freakin awesome. They jumped about a lot and made a bit of a scene which is what live rock music is all about. In the next few months they have an album out and they'll be touring or about near you. Go see them if you get the chance as they are superb. Also they are in this month's RockSound magazine.

Information you need if you want to find out more.
Myspace: www.myspace.com/theghostofathousand
Website: Doesn't seem to be working
Album title: This is Where the Fight Begins
Album release date: 19/02/2007

Oh and they were with a support band called The Mirimar Disaster they were good too.

Tune in next time for an "article" that hopefully won't be a glorified advert.

Take That an institution for 30 something women

In these last two days I have been genuinely amazed by Take That.
Yes, that's right, you have read that previous sentence correctly - Take That have genuinely amazed me - and not in some kind of teenager post ironic way.

Anyway the start of this realisation took place yesterday when I ended up watching a documentary about Take That from their conception to their eventual splitting up. What was so brilliant about said documentary was that every member told the truth about the situation within the band and this "truth" was infact the same as the stereotypes that exist about them.
I've just realised I've written a horrible sentence there, so to put it more clearly: Take That were living up to their own stereotype.

(Just to point out this isn't my own 15 minute internet psycho-analysis they pretty much said this themselves)

Robbie Williams: He drank a lot and got a bit messed up. He has the strongest individual career of all of them but he would trade it all for the family stability Gary has. Robbie still has beef with "The Barlow".

Gary Barlow: Writes and produces successfully for other people and has a loving family and lives in a big expensive house. But he still desires the career Robbie has.

Howard Donald: Howard doesn't even get to release his album. But he does work as a house DJ - maybe he mixes his unreleased album as part of his set. His daughter is the reason he goes on.

Jason Orange: He didn't know what to with himself after the breaking up of the band so he goes travelling and then back to college. He also acts in the play "Gob".

Mark Owen: Releases a few albums of varying success over the years. The singles that come from these albums have varying successes too. Oh and he wins celebrity big brother in 2002.

So like I said I found that documentary pretty awesome.
Then today they performed on an audience with Take That Live.
Not only did they do some mildly amusing banter with the crowd, and have enough attractive background dancers to make it interesting.

But they also performed proper old school boyband style. None of this standing around a piano new school Backstreet boys style or sitting on chairs Westlife style. They got up and had proper ridiculous dance routines, and they did it well.
(Also just to point out most of the talking was done by Howard or Jason who must've been trying to prove they weren't just the other 2 in Take That - there's some good advice for everyone - speak up today otherwise you'll be regretting not saying anything for the next 10 years).

So I salute you sirs may you carry on doing what you do best - living up to your stereotypes and dancing like maniacs.

Whatever happened to the Power Rangers?

Was in trouble with the law last thing I heard. Came back to Power Rangers as the Gold Ranger.


Died on September3rd 2001



Sells crack to children - Actually he salsa dances and was 1st in 2004 Mayan International Salsa Championship.



A "serious actress" and released a couple of albums the debut of which was titled "The Trans-American Treatment".



Missing Presumed Dead... or more accurately TV producing. He was in all 4 seasons of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and the 1st season of Power Rangers:Zeo and for that he should be commended.



Worked on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers/Zeo/Turbo/Wild Force and Dino Thunder. He was also inducted into the World Karate Union Hall of Fame as Master of the Year "American Karate". He has his own karate style "Toso Kune Do" and it's between him and Jason Statham to win my award "the new Steven Segal".

Guildford's top attraction

Let's start at the beginning.
Beards...
I have a beard, you have a beard all women have honourary beards (you can read that how you will).
The point is I like a good beard. And there is no better beard than that owned by the bearded woman of Guildford.
I had actually completely forgotten "it" existed but thanks to facebook.com and myspace.com I've been reminded about of "its" existence.

Anyway the myspace address is this, should you want it:
http://www.myspace.com/guildfordbeardedlady

But for all those of you who can't be bothered to frequent it here are the key photographs:

I don't know that man but she is going to kill him. I've seen that look before.

The caption below this photograph on Facebook.com "Bearded lady at one of her favourite habitats, outside burger king, no problem if she's hungry, plenty of children about. As you can see from the photograph bearded lady carries the standard issue bearded lady shopping bags and leopard skin jacket. In this particular scene bearded lady can be seen scouting out potential babies or young children approaching White Lion Walk or 'The Killing Grounds' as we newspapers have begun to call it."

Oh how I laughed.

The media have done a lot of these - so it's my turn.

The new Bond movie is just around the corner and no one will shut up about it.
So here is my contribution:

Best Bond: Sean Connery (he slaps women about just like Bond does in the books).
(I'm joking)
Best Bond Girl: Sophie Marceau (From the World is not Enough) - All you Denise Richard's fans are fools, she is but a girl. Sophie Marceau is a "real woman" (the kind who steals all your personal possesions when you are asleep) - now that's when you know you've had an experience.
Best Bond movie: Not Moonraker
Worst Bond Movie: All the Roger Moore ones.
Best Bond bad guy: the studio head who had Pierce Brosnan "removed" (from the franchise not murdered).
Best Bond gadget: The Goldeneye N64 game engine.
Most underrated Bond: Timothy Dalton
Best Bond action scene: The entirety of Goldeneye on the N64.
Best Bond song: View to kill by Duran Duran
A Bond film that needs mentioning just because I don't like it: Tomorrow Never Dies.

Oh and here is the video for a View to Kill because it funnied me up:

I'm about to write about my own blog - Does that make me self involved?

I think advertising has gone too far.
Guess what pushed me over the edge -

Well it wasn't a McDonalds advert

or a Cilit bang advert

or that annoying Frosties advert with the kid who sings the song and is now involved in a shit load of internet urban legends.

Nope it was this - posted as a comment on my blog:
"Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!"

Then there was a link to some kind of "scam" website. (Or at least what I interpreted as a scam).
So be warned even "innocent" internet blogs have become a hot bed for weird advertising. It's a disgrace I say.

Quick note to whoever wrote that comment -
A)Thanks for reading my blog
B)Thanks for leaving a comment
C)I apologise if that was some sort of crazy joke I was too stupid to get. Please be clearer next time.

If selection C does not apply please see selection D.


D)I don't apologise you're a twat and no I don't want to give money to any Nigerian Princes.

Facts of the week: Cocaine and Fish

This post may seem a bit random but -

According to the vice President of Columbia Kate Moss is responsible for the countries civil war.
Well kind of...

He actually said that the cocaine industry is funding the countries civil war. He singled out Kate Moss and said;
"When she appeared to snort a line of cocaine, she put land mines in Colombia, she killed people in Colombia, she displaced people in Colombia, she helped finance kidnapping."

Sounds to me like she is almost some kind of super villian.

Well if the World survives the tyranny of a model/super villian from Croydon we have bigger problems as by the year 2050 we'll have run out of resources and will need to colonise another planet.

Or so I read...

This, however pales in comparison to the fact:

"By the year 2050 we'll have over fished the seas so much we'll have no fish to eat."

To break it down for you I have read two completely separate articles one telling me we'll have no "resources" (which I took to mean fossil fuels) and another telling me we'll have no fish.

Sounds to me like something weird is going on. The same year we run out of fossil fuels is the same year we run out of fish. What is the link? Is it that fish are employed to mine for oil? Or something more sinister.
I theorise that the fish swimming causes the planet to rotate on its axis, so that when all the fish die out the Earth will stop turning causing the temperature to rise (it was the turning keeping it cool - making a small breeze (like a windmill)).

So the lack of fish will finally finish this planet off. An increased temperature will melt the ice caps and raise the sea levels. This seems somewhat ironic as the only animals to truly gain from this are the fish, which are now dead.

So it would seem (assuming my theory is correct) that over fishing destroys the planet, don't think Al Gore saw that coming.

Frances Amey keeping it real since 1996

I was eating dinner the other night (the other night about 3 weeks ago) when one of my chums asked me who played Dinah Glass in the BBC adaptation of the Demon Headmaster.
This seemed odd as no one was talking about anything to do with the Demon Headmaster, infact I don't think I've thought of the Demon headmaster in about 10 years.
Anyway my reply was "I don't know". And left it at that.

Time passed.... (several hours)

And suddenly I realised I desperatley needed to know who played Dinah Glass in the Demon Headmaster.
I'm not going to go into how I found out who she was (paid a private detective, who found a computer hacker, who hacked into the government files, which gave me blackmail information on the Triads who were harrassing a chinese laundry, which I then saved whoose customers happened to be the mother and father of the work experience tea boy, who worked on the set of the Demon Headmaster and was a pen friend of the girl who played Dinah Glass).

Actually none of that I just used Tv.com.

The girl's name is Frances Amey and I was exceedingly intrigued as to what she does these days. So I did another search (this time cutting out the middle men and going straight for Google).
It turns out she does a dental degree at Newcastle University and is part of the drama society. This is their latest play:

"'Out of the Corset' is a seductive lesbian romance set amidst the sordid underworld of Victorian London. Follow the journey of Nan Astley as she begins her life as an innocent oyster girl who is slowly led astray by a series of intense and passionate relationships with some very colourful women. Will Nan's tour of debauchery through the tantalizing realms of theatre, prostitution and sex slavery make or destroy her?".

I think it sounds like good stuff.

The theatre group were at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival so I could've seen them, but I didn't.

Cheap Update 2

I was always going to do another one of these I just had to wait for the resources to become available.
Anyway here is some more footage of the subtley sublime Mitchell and Webb. Basically I just really like these sketches.
Enjoy:

As far as I know this could be common knowledge

Yesterday on Teletext I read that a Pelican ate a pigeon.
Then later on the news I saw the footage of the Pelican eating the pigeon (this supposedly freak occurence happened in St James' Park in London).
Anyway now I present to you some footage of the pelican swallowing the pigeon.



I don't mean to be a "negative nancy" but I think this might be the start of the end of days - having watched Ghostbusters recently I can safely say this would be the type of thing that could be a sign of the Apocalypse.

5 Disney movies that make me cry

God damn it has taken me an absolute age (11 days ish) to formulate my answer to the question I set myself (What are the 5 worst Disney films?).
Basically it was a stupid question to ask and thus I'm never asking myself anything again (excluding What would I like to eat? Or what's zero/zero).

Well as stupid as the question is I will attempt to answer it and explain why it took me ages to find the answer.

So without further ado - Worst 5 Disney Films.

Actually no, I'll announce them in a bit. I'll explain myself first, the reason it took me so long to decide on the worst 5 Disney movies is due to the scientific terms of "Disney's shit period(s)" or "The Madness of Disney".
Disney started off by making some excellent movies (Snow white not so much - but it was only the first one so doesn't count) then seemingly went mad between the 60s and 80s making appalling films concentrating and obsessing on anthropomorphism. Then they produced superb films in the 90s (this period ended with Mulan) then caught the madness again and this period has seemingly not ended.

I'll point out now this is a bit of a generalisation there are exceptions - (The Black Cauldron in the 80s was good and Pocahontas in the 90s was really poor).
So in conclusion it took me a while to get 5 truly bad Disney films because a lot of their movies are either bad or indifferent.

Anyway now without further, further ado - Worst 5 Disney films

5. The Aristocats

Set in France a mad old woman plans to leave all her family money to her cats instead of the butler who has lovingly cared for her all these years. The butler is understandably pissed off and tries to abandon the cats on a farm. They come back, and end up posting the butler in a box to Africa. What's so bad about this film? I'll tell you - Human cruelty (butler posted), anthropomorphism, a weird party with animals and swing music at the end and a moral that says "no matter how hard you work, the aristocracy (in any form) will steal your hard earned money". Also the animation is rubbish.

4. Basil the Great Mouse Detective

"I know let's make a film about Sherlock Holmes but instead, right, get this, instead of a man he's a mouse and he has to fight Ratigan the World's biggest rat." Wrong, wrong, wrong no more anthropomorphism and no shitty detective stories with mice. Have you learned nothing from the Rescuers? (1977) (The Rescuers isn't in here based entirely on the fact the "bad guy" Madame Medusa says "Bottles" in a really funny voice). In defense to Disney it's based on a book (not Sherlock Holmes - idiot) so it's not entirely their fault. And apparently it has a large fanbase so I'm in the minority but I still preach to you that the Black Cauldron (year before this) is the better movie. So as far as I'm concerned this is almost the pinnacle of the Disney decline in the 80s but it's not because of:

3. Oliver and Company

This is the Everest of Disney being terrible in the 80s. It's Oliver Twist with Oliver as a Cat and Fagin as a hobo and his gang as dogs. It's absolute crap (dreadful characters, more awful anthropomorphism and it bad mouths 80s business men - yuppies were funny). It's made worse by the fact that when I was a kid we had a video with the trailer for the cinema release on it. I waited years to see it then we finally got it on video and it was so awful. Oliver and Company was a bitter pill from Disney that stole my youth and started me on this dark path of writing blogs.

2. Bambi

I don't feel I need to really go into detail of why this film is so bad. Disney sanitised a perfectly fine dark story and made it all cutesy with more damn anthropomorphism (you are allowed to animate animals in silence - look at Fantasia no words just the orchestra). If you're going to change your source material so much don't use the name of the book call it "Tragic the deer and the forest of forever."

1. The Fox and The Hound

"Two friends who didn't know they were supposed to be enemies" is how the tagline read. "A studio that didn't know it used to make excellent family films" would probably be a more accurate description. This film is so by the numbers the plot was probably knocked up on a post it note. Now I'm not saying that Disney films have the most developed plots of all but they usually contain something that makes them special, that's why they are loved so much. But his doesn't contain anything of the sort, it's an inferior production that's just so pff. Nothing really happens that's worth mentioning but there is an evil bear in it (you can tell he's evil he has red eyes).

Disney the man and machine

Hello there, gosh you're looking swell! I haven't seen you look that well in ages. So what's going on with you? Nothing? Do you want to know what I've been up to? You don't? And you think the only reason I'm being this nice to you is because I want to boast about something? Well that's bloody typical! I haven't seen you in time and you start acting like a complete prick on the first chance meeting we have in this season of Autumn. No don't apologise the damage is done. I'm seriously hurt.... ah I'm only joking don't worry about it, I have tougher skin than that you know. But could you please listen to what I was going to say I was hoping you would find it interesting....

The other day (on a complete whim) I looked up Walt Disney on wikipedia. There were two reasons for this, 1st I heard that when he died his head was frozen in cryostasis. 2nd I heard he was a big rascist. Well basically I was intrigued to see if this was true. Well what I found out was that nope neither of those things are true - he was cremated (yes even his head) and there was no mention of rascism so I assume that's just an urban legend.

There were a couple of other things in the article I found interesting (namely Snow white was known as Disney's folly because it was so expensive everyone thought it would bankrupt the Disney studio and Disney pumped out a load of propaganda films for WWII because they were conscripted to do so by the American army. ( Well I found that interesting even if you don't)). The point is I've realised that I've seen a lot of Disney movies in my lifetime and I've decided to give my list of the 5 best Disney movies and the 5 worst. The difference here is that instead of the obvious ones (ie Aladdin, Little Mermaid) I'm going for the slightly weird ones.

5 Best Disney Movies

5.Tron

The plot is a little complex but basically this dude gets sucked into a computer where programs are real life people and computer users (outside the computer) are given a role of God. It was the 1st ever film with computer generated graphics and it served to be my revision for an Electronics exam. Sure it's cheesy and dated but the plot is actually really neat when you work your way through the "tricky" metaphor. Either that or I like the idea of tiny people worshiping me inside of my computer.

4.The Black Cauldron

Made during Disney's shit period (more on that in the worst film section). It's a Disney cartoon based on a book and aimed at the Teenage fantasy market. There were no songs and the whole film has a darker overtone than usual. Also the bad guy (the Horned king) looked like the physical representation of death. Story wise this kid Taran ends up leaving his life as an assistant pig keeper to help a princess, a bard and some really annoying creature rescue an oracular pig captured by the Horned king. Taran goes on a quest to get a magic sword and sort out this black cauldron business (the Oracular pig was needed to find said cauldron).

3.Muppet Treasure Island

This film was technically made by Jim Henson's company but nevermind I still count it as a Disney film. It's a simple formula really Muppet's + songs + pirates = absurd edutainment. Also in it's favour it had Tim Curry as Long John Silver and Jim Hawkins was the comedian who played George Michael the other day in star stories (I'll write something about that soon). I'm not going to go over the plot of this as it's Treasure Island with Muppets. (If you really want a plot descrition go read the blurb of Treasure island off the back of the book in a Waterstone's then imagine it with Muppets).

2.The Reluctant Dragon

The actual cartoon's alright but the real reasons this is up here is because at home I had this version where this guy takes the book of the Reluctant Dragon to be made into a film. He then spends the next hour wandering round the Disney studio seeing how the animation is done and watching people record voices and also watching other animated shorts. It's like a making of within the film and it's great (well it was great, my youngest sister broke the tape and I remind her of it everytime I see her).

1.Return to Oz

I always felt the Wizard of Oz film sucked it had lost the darker overtones of the book and Over the rainbow is a painfully dated song that just reminds me the general public are idiots. This film was a Disney sequel (from the 80s) that was a lot darker then the original and to be honest it was a little bit mad (talking chicken and a woman who takes her head off anyone?). Dorothy Gale is depressed and keeps talking about Oz, so naturally her Aunt thinks she is a bit mental. She takes her to a local crazy doctor who plans to do tests involving hi- tech (it's the end of the 19th century) machines on Dorothy to find what's wrong with her. Dorothy stays in the hospital overnight - there's a storm and she ends up back in Oz. The Scarecrow isn't king, infact he's frozen as a statue and so are the Tinman and Lion. Basically Oz is a mess. So Dorothy has to find out what's gone on and put it right... trust me it's awesome. Also the film doesn't end with a shitty line like "and Scarecrow I'll miss you most of all." I always thought that was really harsh on the Lion and Tinman they must have really hated that Scarecrow for getting all the attention and he was made king of Oz - the git.

So that's my top 5, I'll do the bottom 5 later when I'm ready. I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.

They've just tried to remake Grease

Ok hands up if you've heard of High School Musical.
Well for all those who haven't I'll tell you about it.
A straight to TV movie made by the Disney channel it follows the exploits of the new girl at school and the captain of the basketball team auditioning for the leads in a musical at said High school.
In the States it's a massive thing with it scoring 9 singles in the top ten or twenty or something like that.
Basically I saw it this evening and it's a bit good. I mean it must be good containing lines such as:

Chad Danforth "You can't be in the muscial Troy your the basketball captain not a singer".
Troy Bolton "Dammit can't I be both?"

See amusing and dramatic and it's like that the whole way through. Infact it's almost as dramatic as the Top Gun 2 script I've got ideas for - one of these days.

Anyway here's a list of why it's good.
A) The beginning is a complete rip off of Grease.
B) The whole movie is quite a rip off of Grease.
C) They never actually make a musical (it's about the auditions).
D) The male lead (character name - Troy Bolton) looks like Mark Hamill
E) It is filled with Neighbours style acting (ie overly dramatic)
F) The director is listed as a Director/Choreographer - so he must know what he's doing.

Here is why it's bad
1) No big screen kiss at the end - all musicals should end with one it's tradition.
2) Post credits there is a really odd coda.

Well here is the end sequence.



Hopefully after seeing this you'll want to see the entire thing (it's being shown on the BBC over Christmas). Oh and this routine looks like it's stolen off of the opening of Bring it on.

Update: That last video has been removed from youtube by someone (probably Disney - though it is television so it should techinically be in the public domain). Anyway watch this fan made thing it is brilliant.

A real update - not one of those fake ones I've been doing

Recently on this blog I've been getting away with just adding videos and not really putting in content. The reason for this is A) I've been feeling lazy and B) there has been nothing to really write about. You don't really want second rate ramblings do you? No I thought not.
So today I've tried to rectify this by adding videos but putting in my own written content to link the two together.

Anyway Girls Aloud are great!
They seem to be a proper genuine pop phenomenon the kind that just doesn't seem to be about anymore. Most pop acts these days seem to be either serious vocal acts (the Sugar Babes), shitty pop punk esq bands (Fall Out Boy (not real emo)) or Lily Allen and Sandi Thom (there's a genre there but I'm too tired to work it out, oh and by the way I do quite like Lilly Allen - she's alright). But Girls Aloud are old school generic fun pop music from girls who are nice to look at and aren't that strong vocally.

Yes, so Girls Aloud if you have noticed they are the only real survivors from the crazy world of Popstars/Pop idol and X factor. (Apart from Will Young and Myleen Klauss who for the sake of this article I'm ignoring). And although it's obvious why they are popular (I've told you back in the previous paragraph ( - they're old school) I'm going to use some videos to illustrate the other reasons they're excellent.



That's their performance of Jingle bell rock it illustrates the fact they are dead hot and sugary sweet. It's like eating lava with canderel.


That's their "live" performance of Jump on this show they did for T4 where they went and performed in people's hometowns. Needless to say the show was shite. If channel 4 want to make shows for Teenagers/Students they should employ me as I'm cheap to employ and I wouldn't make the mistakes most of these show designers do (ie using June Sarpong as a presenter). Anyway what's important here is that Girls Aloud must have a choreographer who finds it amusing to make them start and end in hilharious statue esq positions (you might not be able to view the end it may be corrupted - sorry).



That's their new single Something kinda ooh. This illustarates the fact they can't really dance or that their choreographer is a git and wants to make them look stupid.

So in conclusion Girls Aloud are superb based entirely on the fact they are manufactured, attractive and funny leading me to believe I should be dating some kind of sexually appealing clown robot.

Oh and just to answer the most important question (who is (are) my favourite(s) Girls Alouder) - Cherryl Tweedy and Nicola Roberts are the best. Tweedy because she is blatantly the hottest. Nicola I've no idea (according to one of my mates it's because my brain thinks she is the least popular one and I'd have more of a chance with her. (This may or may not be true my mind is an idiot)).

Cheap update 1

David Mitchell and Robert Webb are brilliant that's an actual FACT.
So their new show the Mitchell and Webb look is thus brilliant.
I figure that some people forgot to see it or haven't seen this superb duo before so I present to you some of this genius:









Well that's it for today. Come back soon for more cheap updates.

BTW: MTV, ATDI and RGB FYI :P (Yes I feel dirty and ashamed with that kind of title)

Several updates, in two days?
This is a sign the summer is finally over I'm actually starting to use this blog again.

Anyway apparently teenagers aren't watching the shows that are actually being made for them (that's why Top of the pops got cancelled - teenagers weren't watching it) instead they're wasting their time with Desperate Housewives.

So after hearing this I started to get a bit worried that there would be no more teenage shows (think about it no OC, no T4, no Hollyoaks). But then I realised there would always be MTV, their entire output is shows for teenagers (granted American teenagers). MTV have got loads of money so there is no way they'll go bankrupt and they'll never change so they will make shows for teenagers for as long as western society survives.

Well anywho after thinking MTV were great I decided to watch more of their shows. And that's when I finally realised that pretty much the majority of their output is actually diabolical. I could write the whole list of dreadful dreadful shows they make but the highlight for me is a show called MADE.

Basically horrible loser teenagers try and achieve something that they just weren't meant to do: The social outcast nerd (with no balance and a complex about her looks) tries to become the cheerleader, the non cheerleader tries to become the homecoming Queen and they had a girl become an American football player (just to clarify I've no problem with girls playing American football but she was playing against guys which I'm sure is not legally allowed). Anyway bottom line is it's retarded but funny. I couldn't find any footage of MADE but I found this spoof which like all good spoofs is damn close to the original.



Bizarrely the soundtrack to the real Made features repeated use of 10 second exerts of different songs one of which was Invalid Litter Dept by At the Drive In which I have to say is one of the greatest songs EVER from one of the best albums EVER.

Here is some ATDI footage off French TV. A live performance of One armed Scissor followed by Invalid Litter Dept.



And yes the sound is a little off but it's all about the performance.

And finally something completely un MTV related. I found this footage of The Real Ghostbusters edited together with some German song.



I just thought it was neat.

It's official the internet is the scariest place ever

OK sorry another update is needed.
Just as I was logging off I got contacted by one of my chums who runs a clothing line for mountain biking and such. (Rythumandflow.co.uk)
He just found this video on youtube.com

Disclaimer: This video is not for squeemish people it's a bit nasty.


Anyway we have no idea who this guy is he's not sponsored by rythumandflow.co.uk and we have no idea why he found that necessary.

The internet can be a weird weird place.

Update: Found out how this all came about. That guy knew a friend of a friend and heard about rythumandflow.co.uk and chucked it in when he decided to do that. (Still don't understand why that was necessary). Anyway just for a moment that was really rather freaky.

(And yeah even though the mystery was solved I'll keep this update simply because it's the only legitimate not encouraging violence kind of way to include a video like that. This also provides an excellent way to shoehorn in rythumandflow.co.uk (just like The Sun does, making an advert look like an article).

Transformers a religious symbol in disguise

Yet again I'm doing a "dual" update because I'm feeling wordy today.

I recently bought the Transformers movie on DVD for the bargain price of £5 and it was worth every one of those 500 pennies (or 1000 half pennies). It's a really funny film with amusing dialogue and an amazing soundtrack. It's filled with 80s power rock tunes and when combined with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles soundtrack of "white" hip hop provides a musical overview of the late 80s / early 90s. Also just worth a mention one of the tracks on Tranformers: the movie is provided by Weird Al Yankovic, so does that mean it's ironic? I just don't know.

Anyway after watching the film I went on to reading up on Tranformers via wikipedia just to see how many seasons there were how long it ran for - that kind of stuff. It was after I scrolled the page to the bottom that my head metaphorically exploded. The Transformers universe is absolutley massive there's so many spin offs and back stories I was at a complete loss.
And people say kids don't learn anything from TV.

Also worth a mention Tranformers: the movie was Orson Welles last film (he died in the middle of recording his voice for it) which also proves the angel of death has a sense of humour.

So weeks later I show Transformers to one of my good chums. He points at the TV and shouts (in the Optimus Prime Vs Megatron sequence (2:40 on this video)).



"Look he's shot in the side, you know what that is? It's a Christ reference!"
Just to explain Christ was pierced in his side by the lance of Longinus. So now any side wound equals a Christ reference.
Well anyway I thought back to my Ten commandments - thou shalt worship no false idols (well thats the modern take on it).
And thought yeah, maybe we have made Optimus Prime a false Idol he's a robot and a truck.
A man and machine.
Think about it...

(For all of you who are confused I'm being profound).

You Know this song deserves to be no.1

I don't know how many of you have noticed but a lot of my updates have actually been completely ripped off of Popjustice.com

And today is no exception...

Earlier on at the beginning of June I was championing this song as my "official" song of the summer. But then it disappeared, without a trace.

But now it has re-appeared and this time with a video!
SO watch this:



The band are called Superjupiter and they are Norwegian.
You know (that's the single's name) is out on October 23rd
I hope this single goes to No.1
And I demand all the Djs I know (all of one) to play this song in their sets.
(Interestingly I did used to know more Djs but I haven't seen them in ages).
(Also interestingly when I previously said interestingly I meant boringly).

The Mint

As I haven't done many updates this month I figured I'd go "a little bit crazy" and do two in a row. So here is the second.

I'm currently watching the Mint which is a really rather shite gameshow on ITV which starts at late o'clock and ends at stupid o'clock. I'm not going to go into the details of the show because trust me you really won't care. I'm here to talk about the one highlight of the entire show...

Cat Porter...
In these lonely early mornings of the summer I find myself wanting to have dinner conversation (not a eupherism) with Cat Porter. She makes the mint watchable and these are the reasons why she's great.

1. She wears evening dresses.
2. She has a nice accent.
3. She lives in Tunbridgewells (which is not that far from me)
4. She was an extra in James Bond - Die another day (to be honest that's just a fact not really a reason to like her).
5. She tells the worst anecdotes ever (that's endearing).
6. She has a degree from Kings College in biological sciences (and I wouldn't mind lighting her bunsen burner (and that is a eupherism) although in all honesty not a very good one more of a chemistry one than a biology one)).

French people don't wear converse

I've been away for a week in France - it was an adventure as I travelled there on the Eurostar which has reduced check in times when compared with flying.
However it also has a band playing whenever the train to Disneyland Paris departs. Seeing men in Lederhosen with tubas and banjos playing "It's a small world after all" at 8am is just not cool and liable to give you a headache. (Also Lederhosen are obviously German not French so I didn't quite get why they were dressed like that - maybe they just liked it?)

So anyway as the title suggests I didn't see a single person in France wearing a pair of Converse. I found that rather strange. ( It's stranger still as one of my mates tells me all the French people he knows wear Converse. (Just to clarify, it probably seems a bit odd that I'm going on about Converse but they are just such cool shoes and I keep seeing them all over the place .... even when I close my eyes. Ha ha again I joke when I close my eyes I see Nikes and those hideous images of Cream the rabbit)).

So back to talking about my trip. While I was there I was eating dinner when my Grandmother suddenly says to me; (by the way my Grandmother was there at dinner with me she didn't just start talking to me from "beyond the grave" or anything). "Do you ever say or do supid things?" And I say (because I'm feeling honest) "Yes actually I do all the time." To which she replies "I was just wondering because on one side of our family there is a real streak of doing and saying stupid things. Your father does stupid things, your uncles do stupid things and your father's cousins do stupid things. Infact when I was at a family reunion I spoke to a relative of ours who was telling me their son says and does stupid things all the time - so it definitely runs in our family".

My reaction to this was not one of dismay but of acceptance. The next time I look back on doing something and think "that was really stupid" I won't get embarrassed I'll just shrug my shoulders and think "well I was always going to do something stupid it is inherently in my nature" - you see it's brilliant I can blame everything on genetics, explain to everyone my stupidity is due to genetics and never have to accept responsibility for some of my behaviour. Now if I can just find that my family is genetically inclined to being Pretentious, Depressing, Complaining, Hypercondriact, Emotionally Hypersensitive, Perverts I'll be sorted.

Nothings happening, nothings happening a lot of people look pissed (off).

It's still obvious to me it's August (despite the shitty weather) because nothing interesting has happened - August is a boring month in the world of me.
Anyway a couple of important CD related dates. New Audioslave album 4th September (though I think the single is shite).
New Mars Volta album 11th September (no story this time just mad song writing and yeah I know they are an "aquired" taste).
New Sparta album 10th October (their new single Taking Back Control is on their myspace and is actually really good).

Also has anyone else seen that new police campaign for Community officers - it's awesome. There are hand drawn pictures of police officers staring off into the middle distance like heroes. It looks like the propaganda out of a fascist state or communist Russia.

Unfortuantely I don't have a picture of said propaganda because I can't seem to find one. (Unless I e-mail the police asking for it which just seemed mean as I was going to mock them over it).

So yeah keep an eye out for funny police recruitment posters.

Have I been reduced to this? (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

Christina Aguilera's current single (Ain't No Other Man) has been harrassing me ever since its video release. I don't even like it.
Whenever I turn a music channel on it's always there waiting with its sparkly dresses, overtly sexual attitude, speakeasy drunkenness and red lips which are like some kind of sex beacon (Nelly Furtado is guilty of that too).
Anyway back to the topic, yer it just seems to be everywhere.
When I went away I was camping in a tent and yet I still managed to hear it on the campsite. And the other day I was in work and it came on the radio... except we don't have a radio at work. Someone had got it off the internet and burned it onto a CD!
Everytime I mention to anyone that this single seems to be following me I get told I'm obviously going insane as hardly anyone else has heard it - insantity is brilliant.

On the plus side in the middle of the song there's a section where Christina sings "Yeah yeah yeah" then follows it with a "No no no". I'm finding it mightily amusing to answer yes/no questions with those responses. Oh and when she wears that red jumper she looks like a blonde Jennifer Love Hewitt which is great because if you had both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Love Hewitt you'd have light/dark twins and then you could walk around acting like Two Face from Batman Forever. (Except better than Batman Forever which was shit. (Yeah Yeah Yeah). It was no Batman Begins. (No No No)).

So in conclusion watch the video I find it annoying.

Explaining a few things

I've been away for a few days hence the lack of updates but I think people have still been reading this blog which is good... however I feel an explanantion is due on the last two posts due to them being a little odd.

Well anyway what happened is one of my chums said my tone on here was a little negative and that I should write something positive. Infact he challenged me to write two positive posts which I did try to do. However on retrospect both Positive Post 1 and 2 sound really negative and sarcastic. And as we all know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but then again wit is the highest form of intelligence so fuck it. (And in all honesty I do think Wallace is a decent town and that Llamas are great).

So yes onto other things. I road tripped (via Corby) up to Edinburgh for a couple of days of the Fringe festival. I learned quite a lot on the trip which I figure I'll share with you:

Surrey and Edinburgh are roughly 7 1/2 hours away from each other which is a really long trip to do in a day.

Corby is a scary place with a history of murders and the pizza there is almost as good as Papa John's in Reigate.

The Fringe festival as well as being brilliant fun is expensive, pretentious and weird (see picture above).

Either Scotland has the largest population of attractive women per square inch or it's that the Fringe encourages drama students which are the hottest type of students.


Above is an example of the kind of attractive girl available there. (I took a photo of her from the bushes....ha ha ha I'm just joking I was sitting on a bench).

The drama dept of Cambridge Uni are damn good actors but when they put on plays translated from the works of Kafka the audience has an uncomfortable and on occasion unintentionally hilharious viewing experience. Also I may have made the lighting director uncomfortable by continuously leering at her, basically she was hot and my eyes took on a mind of their own....stupid eyes.

Finally if you take a paper mache cat with you and take it out your bag people will gather round you and assume you are going to put on a play. (The cat's name is Spuffy she likes views, we found her in my room before we left and figured we'd take her for some reason).

Positive Post 2

What's the best animal in the world?

Unless you said llama you are wrong.
(Although you get half points for the following: Platypus, Flesh eating Kangaroo, Grimace from the crazy world of McDonalds or Rush the dog from Megaman).

So anyway Llamas are great. You can ride them, they spit and Disney made a whole film about a man becoming one (Emperor's New Groove).

So I was exceedingly impressed and happy to know about Llama trekking in the Surrey Hills (which is near where I live).
What happens is you go and pay these people money, then you and a guide take the Llamas for a walk in the forest. You can't ride the llamas (you pull them on a leash) but they carry a picnic, which you stop and eat halfway through the walk. The best thing is these llama people (llama farmers?) organise all kinds of events. You can have:
A Kids birthday party
A corporate event
A winter morning trek
A summer evening trek
The luxury champagne picnic trek (they recommend this as a wedding gift)

Also you can go repeatedy as all the llamas have different personalities so if you choose a different one each time you get a whole new experience.



Doesn't everyone look happy?



That's Grimace from McDonalds. Interestingly I don't grimace when I'm eating a McDonalds it's usually afterwards when I feel lke I've eaten a bowling ball, and I always feel like this no matter how much I've eaten.



Rush is Megaman's dog he's the shit because he can fly, and has a spring which comes out his back, he's basically a dog tranformer. Which is more impressive than anything your dog can do isn't it?